Lonely, Lost and Detached

[2notbedefeated]

I feel bad that I haven't been able to really touch base with everyone in almost a week. I have been so much busier than normal. Kids and me have been sick - me is still trying to get better. The challenge of helping kids that wait till the last minute to get homwrk done. You know, when kids get homework it's really the parents that get "taken hostage" to that whole ordeal - Homework, It's not just the kids that it - I hate it, too!!

Kids challenging my parental authority. It is very hard, hard, hard, so hard, and exhausting trying to get my kids to the simplest things! Sometimes I just don't know what to do with their resistance to........to get dress, to go to school, to take a shower, to do homework, to be nice, to do chores, etc. Ugh!. The incesant fighting between the two of them is driving insane!

Lately, I have really been wanting to throw in the towel, pull the cover over my head, and stay in bed, wishing I could go to sleep, avoid all those challenges. I secretly wish I could go back to sleep and never wake up.

Husband having to look for another job. His last day is this Friday. I ,so, want to stay where we are currently living and not have to move to another state. I seems like the theme of my life. Moving, moving, why can't we just stay put?!

I feel alittle detached and out of touch. I feel tired and frustrated. My husband's energies are in trying to find a job. I know my feelings will pass, hopefully?! But he really hasn't spent alot of time with me lately. I'm lucky if I get 10 minutes out of the whole day chat with him - of course the 10 minute thing has been going on for several years now.

I feel so isolated with all my feelings, memories, and PTSD stuff. I just feel like a walking zombie or something. Empty, void of connection and feelings to others. I feel lonely cause only a couple people know my situation and others don't know what to do with me at times.

I feel like I'm trying hard. but if this is the case then how come I feel so crappy all the time. I feel I am trying to stay ahead of my flashbacks, feelings, and memories so they don't catch up with up, but this is exhausting to do, but I've done it all my life and don't know how to do this "thing" any different.

Trying hard not to beat up the wounded child in me. Trying hard, but It is very hard. How do you guys and gals do it? It's the only one way I have ever related to myself. Okay, well......

I hope to touch base with some of you some time in next couple of days if I'm lucky and things slow down alittle bit. Here's a **hug**for all those who need one. Hi, to "newbies" :) Welcome.

 

[Mercy]

[quote ] "Trying hard not to beat up the wounded child in me. Trying hard, but It is very hard. How do you guys and gals do it? It's the only one way I have ever related to myself. Okay, well......" quote 2notbedefeated]

I really 'get this'. We know we shouldn't beat up on ourselves, shouldn't become like the perps to our own selves. Every time we beat up our wounded child, we bind ourselves closer to our perps. The hope is that we can separate ourselves and be freeof them and the influences they have over us now..

One way to start breaking that pattern is to practice never calling yourself names, and never putting yourself down. I suggest, one way to tackle this is to write down every nasty thing you can remember ever been called. Then write down the names you call yourself. If there are words in common, chances are someone else taught them to you. It takes practice to erase these words from our thoughts but it is worth it. When I learned not to call myself a perfect little whore, I could learn that I wasn't a little whore, filthy, and grasping for attention.( You have to make one of the men who came to the brothel pick you by grasping their attention.) Being a whore was not my choice but I only learned that when I stopped calling myself one.

Hope this helps. I'm sure there are other ways too.

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks Mercy, yes, I will write down those things you suggested. If I can go one whole day without beating myself up for one thing or another, then that would be a major accomplishment. That is what I will try for the next 24 hours.

I have therapy tomorrow which will make that a major challenge. Also, I tend to self-harm on this day as well. If I can refrain from hurting myself on therapy day, then I have accomplished something major.

When I go through a flashback or starting going into some werid kind of regressive state (and by the way, what is it that is going on in me when this happens), my hubby says, I usual cry out in a very little voice,.......
"Bad, bad, bad, bad girl, I bad, bad, girl, I sorry, I sorry, I sorry, bad bad bad girl, bad bad bad."

So I said that to just now realize that someone must have "programmed me to think that way about myself as a 5 year old child. Hmmmmmmm, no wonder it is so hard to change my thinking and how I relate to myself.

I know these things sound so little and puny to other bigger things, but even these tiny little steps take alot for me to attempt to take. Okay, I was about ready to write a critical negative remark about what I have chosen and starting to think these goals will not be all that important, but................I won't do it. I hope that if I can just focus on one day at a time I can do it.

Have you ever heard the saying, "I can accomplish one thing for today that would appall me if I thought I had to keep it up for a life time?"

So its one day, perhaps one hour at a time right now.

 

[pandora]

I agree stop with all the name calling will only pull you further down. It is hard to stop but I am living proof it can get better.Write out and read positive things out.....replace the negative name calling with better thoughts and NO NAME CALLING..I swear it helped me.
Take Care!Pand

 

[2notbedefeated]

Just an update on this challenge I put to myself. I believe I did catch myself from time to time wanting to say something negative about myself and I purposely chose just keep my lips closed. I thought it, but I didn't speak.

I guess that's a start. I will continue to work on this. The support group for sexual abuse survivors that I just joined two weeks ago one, of the group rules is that we are not allowed to speak negative to ourselves or about ourslelves. Ouch! That is a hard one for me to work on. I hope I can eventually apply this with my "thinker" and "renew my self talk and thinking"

 

[cragger65]

Hey 2Not, I can so relate to this. I've been working on not seeing myself as "a total failure" or "a horrible human being" for a long time, but I have to admit it's starting to work. Now they are just empty thoughts, they carry no power. Trust me hon, worth the effort, no doubt about it.

 

[patrick]

Hi 2Not,

I'm going to be watching to see how you do with this. It is, if not the biggest, at least one of my biggest issues. I hope you have some success at stopping the name calling, and that I can see how your were able to do it.