Looking for hope

[Fallfox984]

I am not in any sort of crisis right now. I am actually doing well. I feel like I have direction since my wife who is not living with me right now took a job in a different state and I am moving too to start a new life. The marriage has some hope but I have to get on with life. Although I have SI sometimes it isn’t always. It comes and goes. I watch it closely and I talk about it. My mother’s suicide impacted me much greater than I was aware of until I started my PTSD healing journey. The thought of imposing what I have been through upon my kids is unthinkable

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with your mom. My mom attempted suicide while I was home when I was 10. That messed me up pretty bad, I think. I decided not to have kids because I was scared that one day I wouldn't be able to handle life and I'd follow in my mom's footsteps. I didn't want any child to have to go through that. The fact that you think about how your kids would be impacted--and the fact that you think about your kids at all shows that you're not a terrible parent. I would have done anything for my parents to have any reflection or sense of how their actions impacted me, both then and now. Even if your kids never know how much you think about them, it still says so much about who you are as a parent that you do. I'm glad to know that you're experiencing better days. It gives me hope for my own healing

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

It does get better, sometimes unexpectedly, opportunities open up. It’s hard, but it is worth persevering. I’ve been mentally ill my whole life and also struggle to feel seen and loved, but the good times do come. I really like being alive even though it’s not smooth sailing. SI comes and goes, but it’s not permanent.

For me, only way is forwards. It’s tough stuff, but even if I’m feeling pretty bleak, I’m at the point that I know I’m not doomed, and it is possible (and worth it).

You do get invaluable introspection on yourself, along the way. Makes it a lot easier. Being curious is challenging, scary sometimes… and it’s a kind of lifesaver. Stuff that feels like an excruciatingly painful reality to come to terms with becomes the key to understanding and then managing things.

Nowadays I bounce back fairly quickly. Still get it handed to me (Like yesterday… the past few days), but I’m learning how to revive myself, and slowly learning how to not overwork myself so I can manage my stress cup…

The balancing act does get better. Less burdensome.
I know it’s extremely hard while deep in the trenches, but all my hope goes out to you.