Looking for hope

[Fallfox984]

I've been in therapy for the past year and have had lot of realizations that have mostly just felt heart-shattering. I have CPTSD and the depth of not feeling loved/cared for/seen, even in my adult life feels awful. I've always had SI to some extent, in the sense that I've always kicked the possibility down the road but just having the choice has made me feel safe. Lately as I learn more about my grief, my depression and hopelessness feel unending. I truly can't imagine a time where I won't be sad to not have been loved, or when I won't have this massive wound in my heart. It feels so hopeless and it makes me wish I could speed up life so I can just get to the end. I feel like I've seen all I needed to see of life, and if this is the extent of it, I don't think I want to be here for a long time. I feel awful thinking that way because there are others who truly do have bigger struggles than me, who are able to learn and grow from them. But I can't see past any of this. I can't see anything good on the other side. Those of you who have been in this journey for awhile, please tell me there's something better out there. I just want to know that there are good things on the other side of all this pain.

 

[arfie]

i know, for certain, that i am glad i tackled the long and winding road of recovery. i love my life and myself these days, even with need for ongoing work on the residual symptoms.

healing happens. i hope it happens to you

 

[Midnightmoon]

It's a long journey, longer than any of us anticipated when we started I think.....if anyone was truly honest about how awful this process can be at times at the start I think no one would ever attempt it. But healing happens, over and over again because no feeling is permanent, even the most horrendous circumstances have the chance to ease with time and support and care, just not as quickly or painlessly as we'd all like. I'll hold some hope for you with me for you until it sparks in you again.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I haven’t been at this too long but my life has gotten so much better. I just show up and do the work. I just started EMDR and it is already bearing fruit. I am actually excited about creating a new life for myself. One that is intentional and not driven by circumstances and the legacy of my childhood. I am just starting and it is a wild ride, an adventure.

 

[PamelaS]

I've been in therapy for the past year and have had lot of realizations that have mostly just felt heart-shattering. I have CPTSD and the depth of not feeling loved/cared for/seen, even in my adult life feels awful. I've always had SI to some extent, in the sense that I've always kicked the possibility down the road but just having the choice has made me feel safe. Lately as I learn more about my grief, my depression and hopelessness feel unending. I truly can't imagine a time where I won't be sad to not have been loved, or when I won't have this massive wound in my heart. It feels so hopeless and it makes me wish I could speed up life so I can just get to the end. I feel like I've seen all I needed to see of life, and if this is the extent of it, I don't think I want to be here for a long time. I feel awful thinking that way because there are others who truly do have bigger struggles than me, who are able to learn and grow from them. But I can't see past any of this. I can't see anything good on the other side. Those of you who have been in this journey for awhile, please tell me there's something better out there. I just want to know that there are good things on the other side of all this pain.

Welcome. You are in a safe place. My father committed suicide when I was 16. It haunted me for years, and I swore that I would never do that because of the pain it leaves for those left behind. I have been through a lot, and was able to keep my vow until life became more than I could bear and all I could do was want the pain to stop. I am past those hopeless days, and thank God I did not die. Daily I am gaining more and more strength and encouragement and empowerment to move forward to a better place. I am thankful that I am no longer stuck and am continuing to move forward. It is worth the effort. YOU are worth the effort. YOU are valuable. YOU can get to a better place. It may not be easy, but it’s worth the effort. Thank you for reaching out. Looking forward to a better future for you. We are here to walk alongside one another and help one another to get to a better future for you. So glad to be here with you.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

My mother committed suicide and when I have SI I think about all the guilt and pain I have carried over her death. I am a terrible parent but I love my kids and I simply won’t do that to them.

 

[thursday]

What terrible to read that after you've been in therapy for a year, feel in such a dark and lonely place. I understand that you can't carry your heavy load any longer. Please know that you are not alone and that there is someone who sees your suffering. You can't see Him He wants you to call out to Him. I'm talking about Jesus here. You might not know Him, or think He's forgotten you or never cared. But He does. He waits for you to surrender. He will help you carry your cross. And then He will send people on your path to assist you on your journey.

 

[PamelaS]

Hello Lost in the Woods,

My mother committed suicide and when I have SI I think about all the guilt and pain I have carried over her death. I am a terrible parent but I love my kids and I simply won’t do that to them.

Please do not condemn yourself by saying that you are a terrible parent. You have admitted that you love your children. You love them enough to not put them through the hell that you have gone through as a result of your mother’s suicide. That means that you are a good parent who cares about your children! We all have mistakes we’ve made, and we can always improve in how we parent, but we are all a work in progress. I have learned to be very careful of the words that I use. Because they reinforce things. My goal is to move forward to a better place. I believe that that’s your goal too. So in order to do that I’m going to ask you not to condemn yourself by speaking those words over yourself. You are simply human and you are doing the best you can after what you’ve been through. Your desire is to do the best you can and hope that that’s good enough.
Please know that you are not alone, you never have been, and you never will be. Thank you for reaching out. I understand completely. Please feel free to reach out to me at any time. Whenever you feel yourself leaning in a direction that is not going to go to a good place, always reach out for help first before you do anything. There is always someone who knows what you’re going through. There is always someone who can come alongside you. I am so very, very thankful for this forum, and how it has helped me and enabled me to help an encourage others, which further helps me. I encourage you to reach out and do the same. Share your needs. Receive encouragement and direction. Never suffer alone. I understand and I care. I have a deep love for you even though I don’t know anything about you other than you have walked through something that haunted me for many years. And I know how it affects how we function. If it doesn’t offend you, I would like to pray for you. If it does offend you, then I respect your boundaries. I am very happy to agree to disagree agreeably. I hope that this has given you some hope for a better future and confidence that your heart is in the right place. Keep moving forward. Keep reaching out for help. Keep getting to a better place. Everything you do to invest in yourself will benefit your children.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you. I could use all the help I can get from the big guy upstairs. I am pretty messed up from the early childhood stuff and I have not been a good parent. I never physically abused my children but they have emotional scars. I would like disappear and not talk to them for long periods. I was really floundering and they would trigger me and I would not know what to do except separate myself from the situation.

 

[PamelaS]

I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you. Are you doing any better now or are you still struggling? How can I pray for you? What do you need?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am not in any sort of crisis right now. I am actually doing well. I feel like I have direction since my wife who is not living with me right now took a job in a different state and I am moving too to start a new life. The marriage has some hope but I have to get on with life. Although I have SI sometimes it isn’t always. It comes and goes. I watch it closely and I talk about it. My mother’s suicide impacted me much greater than I was aware of until I started my PTSD healing journey. The thought of imposing what I have been through upon my kids is unthinkable.

 

[PamelaS]

I am not in any sort of crisis right now. I am actually doing well. I feel like I have direction since my wife who is not living with me right now took a job in a different state and I am moving too to start a new life. The marriage has some hope but I have to get on with life. Although I have SI sometimes it isn’t always. It comes and goes. I watch it closely and I talk about it. My mother’s suicide impacted me much greater than I was aware of until I started my PTSD healing journey. The thought of imposing what I have been through upon my kids is unthinkable.

I’m glad you have been working on yourself and that you are doing better. Keep up the good work, so that there is no chance of going back. Be a kangaroo! That big old tail behind them, makes it impossible to move backwards! Best wishes!!