Lost

[Ms.Cranberry]

I am so confused and don't know what to do. I met an incredible guy a few months ago and we hit it off immediately. We texted for hours every day. Recently (a week ago) we became intimate. Everything was wonderful until this past weekend. He stopped talking to me and vanished. He texted me yesterday telling me that he had flashbacks and disassociated over the weekend. He said that he wants me to leave him alone...that I'm a sweet woman and beautiful and that I deserve someone who can make me happy. He went on to tell me he is embarrassed by his PTSD and that although he told me he had OTSD he never told me how bad it was. I got very upset because I don't understand. I asked him if I had done something or if it was because he didn't like me. He was very firm with saying that it wasn't that he doesn't care...it's that he can't be with someone while he's broken. I am a nurse...while I am sadly uneducated on PTSD I feel I can understand a little bit and I am open to learning. He got very angry with me and told me to leave him alone and he wants nothing to do with me. Do I just cut my losses and walk away from this wonderful man or do I patiently wait? I know it's only been a few months but I genuinely care for him. I feel like its my fault that he feels this way. He was really happy as well...and when he was angry with me because I was asking questions and trying to understand he told me that he feels guilty for feeling happy when he saw three of his friends die right in front of him. I don't know what to do.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Do what you want to do.

He sounds like a beautiful caring person, and he is being very honest with you about what he has to deal with and how he copes.

He doesn't have a choice in that, but you do. If you do your reading and choose to wait for him and give it a go, then you will need to deal with the extra stresses of having PTSD too. And if you decide that it's not something you want to do, then you have a choice to move on.

There's no right or wrong in this.

 

[anthony]

What sounds strange to me, which has nothing to do with PTSD, is that I am assuming when you say you were 'intimate' that you had sex for the first time. If that is the correct reading of that, then it sounds to me like he is just being an arsehole and I wonder whether he even has PTSD... and is using it as an excuse he read somewhere. Sounds more like he got what he wanted, sex, then bolted. Not exactly uncommon for males who want sex, wait around for it, then leave.

In Australia we have a saying for it, a WOMBAT. Eats, Roots and Leaves!

 

[cherryblossom]

In Australia we have a saying for it, a WOMBAT. Eats, Roots and Leaves!

Somewhat off off topic, but I thought it was "Eats, shoots and leaves" ;)

 

[Spiderallis]

Well, if he mentioned PTSD beforehand, I'm less inclined to think it was just an exit strategy. Being diagnosed usually comes with therapy. Treatment makes a world of difference. Honestly it doesn't sound like he's had much counseling. You've not done anything wrong, his reactions are driven by tangled emotions that he may not be able to express very well. If it's been a while and you really think he's a great person, he might appreciate a very casual hello- or he might not answer the phone. You clearly like him a lot if you're on a PTSD forum asking for advice, I wish the best for you- but please understand he's going to be 'broken' until he decides to work on repairs.

 

[Ms.Cranberry]

He mentioned having PTSD long before we were ever intimate and I know he actually has it. He woke me up SCREAMING and it terrified me because it is completely different to be told something and then experience it.

We have talked a few times before actually dating and he would just disappear any time we started really talking. I do really like him and I'm trying to do research to see if a) I can handle it and b) to see if he is actually being honest with me because it did cross my mind that he was using it as an out. But I really don't think so. What I've been reading seems to line up a lot with what I've seen with him.

And I suppose I'm here because I need more than just what's written. I need advice from other people who have hands on experience. I am a realist...and I am not one to linger in a bad relationship. I just have this feeling that he will be back and I'm trying to understand from his point of view. He has told me way too much and invested too much time for it to have been just sex. I think that is what has panicked him anyway. But I could be wrong as well. I don't know.

 

[heidi]

It sounds like he wants to spare you. I can see how screaming in his sleep would be embarrassing to him. When you're with someone new you don't want to embarrass yourself. That's a pretty intimate thing to share with someone ie screaming in your sleep. He might realize that his PTSD (the elements of it) are already making itself known to you (even this early on). It's really terribly sad and I'm sure this guy is worthy of love but maybe he knows more then you how difficult it is to deal with and how much your life would be affected.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

The silence can be maddening; it can last days, weeks, months or even years. I too often wonder if it was the PTSD or me, but in the end, perhaps it doesn't matter. You see, the only behavior you can control is your own, something I still struggle with. Our situations are very similar but I have no advice to really offer you of immense value.

Patience and time, I suppose. Prepare to detach, balance hope with realistic expectations.