Love Fog?

[nay.elizabeth]

Do any of you ever feel like you're sometimes not REALLY in your relationship?

I love my boyfriend with all my heart. So far, we're on the same page with what we want in our relationship future. We've known each other two years and been together since January. He spent a year trying to get me, and even when I told him I'm severely broken and have Herpes due to my rape, he told me he doesn't care, it doesn't define me.

He's the best person I've been with. Ever. But there's days where I just don't feel it. I don't feel in love, I don't feel like I'm even with him. He's just there....in the back of my mind, no real connection. He'll text me he loves me or to tell me something, and I'll just look at it, unresponsive.

I sometimes have days where I don't talk to him. It can be 2-4 days and I just space out. He panics, thinking I hate him, wondering if he's upset me. I tell him it's because I'm in a bad mental place and need time to myself. He doesn't respond to it but I know he hates it. There have been times where I'll want to see him, and when I finally do, I'm not "there". He'll hug me, kiss me, tell me he loves me and missed me, and I just blank out. Unresponsive. I can't hold him and FEEL it. The world around me falls silent and I'm gone. He'll hold my hand or hold me when we lie down together and I mentally go somewhere else where he's not touching me and I'm by myself.

When I go through this, and lately it's been more frequent, I have to ask myself if this is what I want. Do I do this because I don't want to be with him, or am I doing this because I go through what I call "PTSD cycles" and I just check out from life?

If anyone else has any similar situations or feelings, I'd appreciate some feedback.

 

[watundah]

It sounds like you are dissociating and the intimacy may be triggering something..

After 20 years I still question what real connection is. I am closer to her than anyone, ever, and she is soooo supportive of any crazy thing that I want to do but I always hold her a bit at a distance. It's the trust and vulnerability issues that I've been working through. I hope some day I can let her past that barrier. When we argue I shut down and feel like, "fine, just.go," but in my heart, I don't mean that. It's a crazy defense mechanism that comes out of nowhere.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

It sounds like you are dissociating and the intimacy may be triggering something..

After 20 years I s...

You may be right; it may be fears of being close.

While it's disheartening that we think these things and have these behaviors, it's also nice knowing I'm not the only one.

I sometimes wish he'd leave me and find someone without my issues, my burdens, but the idea of him leaving is terrifying.

I'm not a relationship girl. This is too much for me.

 

[Friday]

Emotional numbing & distance is pretty normal.

I explain it to people without PTSD as having the stomach flu. Imagine your faaaaavorite food. The food you could eat every day for the rest of your life and still be all Yum! Happy happy happy happy! Now... How much do you want that food when you're curled up puking your guts out in the toilet? Um. Not at all. And if someone brought it into the room as you're heaving? No no no no the smell! Get. It. Awaaaaaay. Hurl. Rest forehead on cool porcelain. Hurl again. Please. Dear. God. Get. It. Away. Go. Just go.

And yet? The moment you're over the flu? It's still your favorite food, and yum. Mmmmmm. Bring. It.

In the early years, when I'd lose my emotions, or a wall would come up between myself & someone, or I'd get locked into an anxiety cycle or whatever and I was more in the past than the present, any kind of PTSD storm, really... I treated my feelings as "real". That if they didn't exist, in that moment? Then that was it.

It took me a fair bit of time to realize if I waited it out, then just like the flu, I'd be fine again soonish. Let this storm pass me by, know in my head I loved them, and wait it out. Act as if. Because I knew I loved them. I'm just a little busy puking at the moment.

Side benefit: Not treating feelings as reality maaaaajorly cuts down on drama. Whether it's panic/anxiety, or the sudden void. And cutting down on drama? Cuts down on stress. Tranquillo. Calm. Breathe. :) Cause less stress? Faster return to normal.

 

[usvsourselves]

wow. I'm brand new here and this is the first lost I've actually read completely through (comments and all). this so feels like me. I'm so glad I thought to look for this. thank you for putting this out there for people like me to read. it's nice to know I'm not crazy!

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Emotional numbing & distance is pretty normal.

I explain it to people without PTSD as having the st...

That's a very way to explain what it's like. I may have to borrow that!

I try not to speak with him when I'm circling through Emotional Hell because whatever I say isn't ME, it's my stupid thoughts. I avoid talking to him when I'm not my usual self because whatever I feel is angry and insane and ridiculous. He once told me whenever I feel upset or sad or down to call him but I told him I won't because I need to find ways to deal with it alone. I don't want to depend on him to get through things because that's not fair.

I know I can call him to calm me down but he isn't my therapist, he isn't my medication.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

wow. I'm brand new here and this is the first lost I've actually read completely through (comments...

I think everyone is a little crazy, some just hide it better. Haha! ;)

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @nay.elizabeth - I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Please remember to be kind to yourself, and to him, as much as you can.

Have you told your man that you feel like this? If not, do you feel comfortable discussing it with him? It sounds like he is very devoted to you - it might help him understand a bit better, and act appropriately. I'm a supporter, not a sufferer of PTSD, but if you want a supporter's point of view - I would want to know, if I were him. Tell him how he can support you through this.

Wishing you all the best - hugs if you'd like them.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

I don't know if I can or want to tell him. We have one issue that has been triggering me something fierce and I'm sick of thinking about it and holding animosity and resentment toward him because of it.

I am so....drained and broken and just sad. I feel no current connection because I just need my time. I need to focus on me, detach from him emotionally for a bit. I can't deal with this...I have to come away or I'm going to get so bad I can't recover from it.

I honestly don't know if I even want to talk to him about any of this. Maybe in time I'll feel human again.

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes to me, it is, though I love him like the devil that I know. To him? That is what love is... he feels security in the closeness in a way that I do not.

 

[Harvey]

I think that it would be a good idea to talk to your boyfriend about this issue. Maybe not every little nuance, maybe just scratch the surface at first. I honestly think that relationships are built on honesty and openness and trust, so maybe you could take a leap of faith and test the waters. Tell him a little bit of your struggles. Tell him that sometimes you just need time to yourself. Can you work on at the very least sending him a text that says "I need space"? This way you can have your needs met (space) while he can be assured that you're not upset at him for something that he has done. I think it would also be good for you to work on grounding so that you don't space out so much. I know grounding is a helluva thing to get under control, so I don't mean to imply that its easy or anything like that. However, I think we owe it to ourselves and to those who love us to try and be our best (despite the hand we've been dealt.) I think you've got an awesome boyfriend based on what you've said. I think that he's worth taking the risk for by opening up to him and being honest about your struggles.