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Love In The Wake Of Trauma

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radiowednesday

Hey everyone. Been enduring some extremely traumatic stuff on my own (can't go to anyone for help with it and it seems like it's going to stay in my life for awhile) for a number of years now and it's really f*cked me up, and I'm noticing that it seems to be affecting my capacity for love. Sometimes it feels like the only person I have the energy to care about is myself and it makes me feel extremely guilty and sad for the people in my life. I'm really worried that if anything terrible were to happen, I won't be able to protect the people I care about because I'd be too wrapped up in taking care of my own self.

Last night I was imagining a scenario in which I was on a hot air balloon with someone I love, bound for escape from something terrible happening on the ground. The balloon was too heavy with the weight of the both of us, so something had to go. In that imaginary scenario I chose to push the other person off. It felt like that was something I wanted to do. I was horrified by the thought after that and tried to recall good memories we had together to remind myself that I fundamentally care about this person. But all it did was leave me completely numb at that time. I don't even know why.

Has PTSD and living with ongoing trauma ever affected your capacity for love and selflessness? Or is it just me, haha. Am I just fundamentally a terrible person.
 
You are not a horrible person. I know how you feel. I often feel guilty because I feel like I can't help those I love because of what I'm dealing with. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just that your brain can only handle so much and before you can help other people, you have to help yourself.
 
Has PTSD and living with ongoing trauma ever affected your capacity for love and selflessness? Or is it just me, haha. Am I just fundamentally a terrible person.

The opposite, here; self hating through & not able to do self care so much, able to move my ass if doing it for other people, just not connecting the same well / not expressing connection well at all even though the feelings are still there and a deep current.

So: Yeah, you're not a terrible person even remotely, nor a special weird snowflake. It's common, & I hear it passes with healing, too.
 
In my experience, from those I've met with PTSD in my travels, I'd say that love and selflessness and relationship struggles are quite common for those who have PTSD. Some of us struggle more than others, but you're in no way an odd ball. In my experience as you heal you have more energy to put toward loving others and being more selfless.
 
I'm dealing with this very issue. After 10 years of a marriage to a great guy. I've realized I've been fooling myself for so long that it's gotten me where I've always ended up.... Nowhere. I'm extremely detached and numb. We no longer have sex, intimacy or physical affection. I can't bear the thought of hugging, kissing or giving emotionally or physically to my marriage. I understand completely.

For these reasons, I am proceeding with the thought of divorce. I need to work on me and my deep seeded issues. I have no idea if and when I will be able to consider contributing to a relationship? Until then, I must take care of me. Just want you to know, you are not alone in these feelings. I truly wish you the best.
 
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