R
radiowednesday
Hey everyone. Been enduring some extremely traumatic stuff on my own (can't go to anyone for help with it and it seems like it's going to stay in my life for awhile) for a number of years now and it's really f*cked me up, and I'm noticing that it seems to be affecting my capacity for love. Sometimes it feels like the only person I have the energy to care about is myself and it makes me feel extremely guilty and sad for the people in my life. I'm really worried that if anything terrible were to happen, I won't be able to protect the people I care about because I'd be too wrapped up in taking care of my own self.
Last night I was imagining a scenario in which I was on a hot air balloon with someone I love, bound for escape from something terrible happening on the ground. The balloon was too heavy with the weight of the both of us, so something had to go. In that imaginary scenario I chose to push the other person off. It felt like that was something I wanted to do. I was horrified by the thought after that and tried to recall good memories we had together to remind myself that I fundamentally care about this person. But all it did was leave me completely numb at that time. I don't even know why.
Has PTSD and living with ongoing trauma ever affected your capacity for love and selflessness? Or is it just me, haha. Am I just fundamentally a terrible person.
Last night I was imagining a scenario in which I was on a hot air balloon with someone I love, bound for escape from something terrible happening on the ground. The balloon was too heavy with the weight of the both of us, so something had to go. In that imaginary scenario I chose to push the other person off. It felt like that was something I wanted to do. I was horrified by the thought after that and tried to recall good memories we had together to remind myself that I fundamentally care about this person. But all it did was leave me completely numb at that time. I don't even know why.
Has PTSD and living with ongoing trauma ever affected your capacity for love and selflessness? Or is it just me, haha. Am I just fundamentally a terrible person.