RadioboyWV
New Here
I met a woman 20 years ago. We became great friends fast. I had 'feelings' for her then, but had just divorced---and my little girl moved away with her mother which caused a great amount of adjustment on my part. The woman had three little girls, all around the age of my own, and I was so new to the divorce, I could not imagine being around her girls without mine being included. She had deep feelings for me at the time, but we kept it strictly platonic, and she eventually met someone and moved away. I was remarried 2 years later.
We met again 2 years ago at the end of our 2nd divorces----and I regretted wasting all those years without her. She was the same. We fell in love and things were wonderful for an entire year without incident. However-----she had not taken time to get over her marriage, which was an 18 year trek into the world of an OCD/panic attack driven anti-social man. I was horrified to learn of her life as an executive in her professional life, but nearly a Taliban wife at home. She said she chose to just 'walk behind him with her head down' over fighting. From what I was able to ascertain, he seemed to react to situations not by true 'feeling' but by what he THOUGHT he should feel. The marriage was wracked with incidents of kicking her out, turning off bank accounts after doing so, telling her to meet him in a cell-phone store at lunch so he could have her phone turned off publicly, and so on.
She seemed to drift backward in time once in a while and also brought up WAY too much about her first love at age 16 who had announced in class that he had sex with her best-friend. This caused her to leave school for a week before returning.
As far as her first husband, finding a box of hidden condoms in his vehicle.
I had major neck surgery at the beginning of summer and while in the hospital, I stopped breathing several times in her presence due to pain-killers. She lived with me in my room for 9 straight days. This incident, along with losing her executive position earlier in the month started the ball rolling. It is important to also bring up the fact that the emotionally abusive ex-husband had never completely left the picture and would constantly text her long diatribes of how much he loved her and hopefully she would come to her senses and come home, or send her a diatribe about what a low-life scum she was and she had ruined her life. This continued on and on and I was always frustrated that she seemed to do nothing about it. I always knew I should have gracefully backed away to let her deal with him and the past, but I was too weak.
We had three incidents over the summer, the first was right after I returned home from the hospital and since I could obviously take care of myself, she went back to her former home out of state to visit old friends for two days. During that time refused to acknowledge my existence. She would not speak to me after getting back, but eventually called and things returned to normal.
The 2nd time she had stayed with me for 2 straight weeks, but one morning she announced she was going back home to live with her mother and would see me on weekends, got her stuff and left. About 3 days later as I sat bewildered in front of my computer one night, she popped up on Facebook chat and began talking about her boyfriend from class when she was 16, and how they had all abandoned her, and found someone else. Her first husband and father of her children cheated on her with whores on the road, and she explained that her recent husband had admitted to two long-term affairs. She KNEW I would eventually do the same. She also told me that she was not able to shake the feelings she got while I was in the hospital, and the old girlfriend that I was with at the time she was my friend 20 years ago came to visit. She knew that I would talk to her from time to time, and she could not shake it even though she knew I wasn't doing anything or intended to ever do anything. But the BIGGEST thing was this, and I did not understand the significance at the time, she told me that over the summer she had experienced a feeling of 'numbness' and would just not feel anything about me at all. She could take 'us' or leave 'us.' We attributed that to be in the early stages of menopause----but now I believe (as probably all of you reading this already know) that is not what is going on.
About 3 weeks later, she announced she was not coming to stay with me any longer and I broke off the relationship. I sent her a long letter-----but IN the letter I used the term angrily, "I'm done with this" which became the entire letter to her. She compared it mercilessly to her ex-husband's "get your sh*t and get out" and to her that was all I said. It would have taken very little effort to restore the relationship .All I asked for was for her to let me know that she loved me. I didn't want to marry, move-in, nothing. Just an exclusive relationship. That was it. All I wanted was for her to talk to me----but she explained that any time she tried to discuss her feelings it was always turned against her. Since this was our very first and only 'blow-up' I was totally cut off at the knees that she was so willing to walk away from something she wanted so desperately 20 years ago, and enjoyed SO much before losing her job and my hospital stay. We're both 50, not kids, and I couldn't understand what was going on.
About a week after I 'broke-up' with her and after she made no effort was made on her part to do anything at all, I finally contacted her with a well-thought out letter. I told her that I didn't want to lose her, and we could continue any way she wanted, and we could even date non-exclusive if she needed time, and if the constraint of being exclusive was too much for her to handle. I told her what my therapist had told me-----that in the first place, we had no business getting into a relationship so soon after she had just escaped a mad-man and all the baggage that went along with it------BUT-----the entire time we were together, he had NEVER gone anyway! The line became blurred over who was who.
We wound up having dinner, went to a nice dance, had a wonderful time, and then the very next day she refused to see me again. About a week after asking her out and getting shot down, I sent her an e-mail detailing how upset I was with her behavior and I didn't know her any longer.
She called me on the phone after reading it crying and blurted out that she had gone out with someone else not once, but 3 times. She told me she went out because it was obvious that I wanted our relationship to be 'non-exclusive' and I even told her so in a letter. Of course that term was taken out of context, I was simply trying to find a way to date easily and restore the relationship. I know I shouldn't have done that----I should have just walked away and stayed away. I was giving her the opportunity to still see me, thinking that way she wouldn't feel pressured. It backfired badly.
At any rate, if anyone is still reading this at this at this point------we are finally talking again----a full two months after I "broke-up" with her, but I'm letting her call all the shots, and have ceased with my demands for explanation. No more angry e-mails, or Facebook messages. I am just trying to be her friend again. She had told me several times that my friendship to me was the most important part of our relationship. Perhaps she was trying to tell me something I didn't want to hear, but I don't think so. There was too much great history, and affection for her to have simply wanting to be platonic again at the beginning, but now that is what she seems to want and need.
At the end of the dance that night, we were in the parking lot making out like kids and she said, "we DO have great chemistry." But for some reason, with her abandonment issues, she seemed to 'know' it, but just didn't 'feel' anything more than that. I think what I am about to write to you will make perfect sense to the readers.
When she lost her job, she seemed to 'shut-down'. She also shut ME down in the process fully believing that I would eventually hurt her. After I broke up with her----a week later we had dinner and went to the dance and had a GREAT time, BUT----she also had a very promising job interview coming up at the end of that week. At the interview, she found out that they didn't feel she could fill THAT position, but possibly another one, so the numbness comes back and she goes away AGAIN. Now we are talking a month later because she got ANOTHER job interview, and it is tomorrow. It's almost as if after losing her job and having to go to community college and make a career change at her age was too much to handle. She shut down emotionally. She has never had a chance to deal with her issues.
I am having a great deal of trouble getting over this. We cruised for an entire year without anything happening at all. I want to walk away for good, and would have, but she is still there, and wants me in her life somehow. I find it almost impossible to step backward as close as we were, talking about possible marriage and so on.
I was able to talk to her last week a little about what had happened and she kept bringing up the 'numb' feeling when it came to talking about me. Obviously, when the cloud is lifted with the positive energy of a new job---she begins to uncover those feelings for me too. I asked her point-blank on the phone if she loved me. She said, "I know I have to, I know I do. I was head-over-heels crazy about you before you went into the hospital. I just feel numb all the time and I can't seem to snap out of it."
She also sent me an out of the blue text last week that I found odd. She is recently a grandma. Her text was simple.
"I held the baby tonight. It was a good feeling."
Any thoughts on what is going on would be SO appreciated. I cannot understand any of this and have no idea what to expect. I saw none of this coming, no red-flags except for the ex-husband bothering her. She was true-blue, has never slept around, is just a great woman. But she has treated me like crap, out of nowhere. At least out of nowhere to me.
We met again 2 years ago at the end of our 2nd divorces----and I regretted wasting all those years without her. She was the same. We fell in love and things were wonderful for an entire year without incident. However-----she had not taken time to get over her marriage, which was an 18 year trek into the world of an OCD/panic attack driven anti-social man. I was horrified to learn of her life as an executive in her professional life, but nearly a Taliban wife at home. She said she chose to just 'walk behind him with her head down' over fighting. From what I was able to ascertain, he seemed to react to situations not by true 'feeling' but by what he THOUGHT he should feel. The marriage was wracked with incidents of kicking her out, turning off bank accounts after doing so, telling her to meet him in a cell-phone store at lunch so he could have her phone turned off publicly, and so on.
She seemed to drift backward in time once in a while and also brought up WAY too much about her first love at age 16 who had announced in class that he had sex with her best-friend. This caused her to leave school for a week before returning.
As far as her first husband, finding a box of hidden condoms in his vehicle.
I had major neck surgery at the beginning of summer and while in the hospital, I stopped breathing several times in her presence due to pain-killers. She lived with me in my room for 9 straight days. This incident, along with losing her executive position earlier in the month started the ball rolling. It is important to also bring up the fact that the emotionally abusive ex-husband had never completely left the picture and would constantly text her long diatribes of how much he loved her and hopefully she would come to her senses and come home, or send her a diatribe about what a low-life scum she was and she had ruined her life. This continued on and on and I was always frustrated that she seemed to do nothing about it. I always knew I should have gracefully backed away to let her deal with him and the past, but I was too weak.
We had three incidents over the summer, the first was right after I returned home from the hospital and since I could obviously take care of myself, she went back to her former home out of state to visit old friends for two days. During that time refused to acknowledge my existence. She would not speak to me after getting back, but eventually called and things returned to normal.
The 2nd time she had stayed with me for 2 straight weeks, but one morning she announced she was going back home to live with her mother and would see me on weekends, got her stuff and left. About 3 days later as I sat bewildered in front of my computer one night, she popped up on Facebook chat and began talking about her boyfriend from class when she was 16, and how they had all abandoned her, and found someone else. Her first husband and father of her children cheated on her with whores on the road, and she explained that her recent husband had admitted to two long-term affairs. She KNEW I would eventually do the same. She also told me that she was not able to shake the feelings she got while I was in the hospital, and the old girlfriend that I was with at the time she was my friend 20 years ago came to visit. She knew that I would talk to her from time to time, and she could not shake it even though she knew I wasn't doing anything or intended to ever do anything. But the BIGGEST thing was this, and I did not understand the significance at the time, she told me that over the summer she had experienced a feeling of 'numbness' and would just not feel anything about me at all. She could take 'us' or leave 'us.' We attributed that to be in the early stages of menopause----but now I believe (as probably all of you reading this already know) that is not what is going on.
About 3 weeks later, she announced she was not coming to stay with me any longer and I broke off the relationship. I sent her a long letter-----but IN the letter I used the term angrily, "I'm done with this" which became the entire letter to her. She compared it mercilessly to her ex-husband's "get your sh*t and get out" and to her that was all I said. It would have taken very little effort to restore the relationship .All I asked for was for her to let me know that she loved me. I didn't want to marry, move-in, nothing. Just an exclusive relationship. That was it. All I wanted was for her to talk to me----but she explained that any time she tried to discuss her feelings it was always turned against her. Since this was our very first and only 'blow-up' I was totally cut off at the knees that she was so willing to walk away from something she wanted so desperately 20 years ago, and enjoyed SO much before losing her job and my hospital stay. We're both 50, not kids, and I couldn't understand what was going on.
About a week after I 'broke-up' with her and after she made no effort was made on her part to do anything at all, I finally contacted her with a well-thought out letter. I told her that I didn't want to lose her, and we could continue any way she wanted, and we could even date non-exclusive if she needed time, and if the constraint of being exclusive was too much for her to handle. I told her what my therapist had told me-----that in the first place, we had no business getting into a relationship so soon after she had just escaped a mad-man and all the baggage that went along with it------BUT-----the entire time we were together, he had NEVER gone anyway! The line became blurred over who was who.
We wound up having dinner, went to a nice dance, had a wonderful time, and then the very next day she refused to see me again. About a week after asking her out and getting shot down, I sent her an e-mail detailing how upset I was with her behavior and I didn't know her any longer.
She called me on the phone after reading it crying and blurted out that she had gone out with someone else not once, but 3 times. She told me she went out because it was obvious that I wanted our relationship to be 'non-exclusive' and I even told her so in a letter. Of course that term was taken out of context, I was simply trying to find a way to date easily and restore the relationship. I know I shouldn't have done that----I should have just walked away and stayed away. I was giving her the opportunity to still see me, thinking that way she wouldn't feel pressured. It backfired badly.
At any rate, if anyone is still reading this at this at this point------we are finally talking again----a full two months after I "broke-up" with her, but I'm letting her call all the shots, and have ceased with my demands for explanation. No more angry e-mails, or Facebook messages. I am just trying to be her friend again. She had told me several times that my friendship to me was the most important part of our relationship. Perhaps she was trying to tell me something I didn't want to hear, but I don't think so. There was too much great history, and affection for her to have simply wanting to be platonic again at the beginning, but now that is what she seems to want and need.
At the end of the dance that night, we were in the parking lot making out like kids and she said, "we DO have great chemistry." But for some reason, with her abandonment issues, she seemed to 'know' it, but just didn't 'feel' anything more than that. I think what I am about to write to you will make perfect sense to the readers.
When she lost her job, she seemed to 'shut-down'. She also shut ME down in the process fully believing that I would eventually hurt her. After I broke up with her----a week later we had dinner and went to the dance and had a GREAT time, BUT----she also had a very promising job interview coming up at the end of that week. At the interview, she found out that they didn't feel she could fill THAT position, but possibly another one, so the numbness comes back and she goes away AGAIN. Now we are talking a month later because she got ANOTHER job interview, and it is tomorrow. It's almost as if after losing her job and having to go to community college and make a career change at her age was too much to handle. She shut down emotionally. She has never had a chance to deal with her issues.
I am having a great deal of trouble getting over this. We cruised for an entire year without anything happening at all. I want to walk away for good, and would have, but she is still there, and wants me in her life somehow. I find it almost impossible to step backward as close as we were, talking about possible marriage and so on.
I was able to talk to her last week a little about what had happened and she kept bringing up the 'numb' feeling when it came to talking about me. Obviously, when the cloud is lifted with the positive energy of a new job---she begins to uncover those feelings for me too. I asked her point-blank on the phone if she loved me. She said, "I know I have to, I know I do. I was head-over-heels crazy about you before you went into the hospital. I just feel numb all the time and I can't seem to snap out of it."
She also sent me an out of the blue text last week that I found odd. She is recently a grandma. Her text was simple.
"I held the baby tonight. It was a good feeling."
Any thoughts on what is going on would be SO appreciated. I cannot understand any of this and have no idea what to expect. I saw none of this coming, no red-flags except for the ex-husband bothering her. She was true-blue, has never slept around, is just a great woman. But she has treated me like crap, out of nowhere. At least out of nowhere to me.
