Lying In Therapy

[Suzetig]

Thanks everyone - I'm feeling a bit better about telling her, not less anxious so much as accepting it as part of my growth. I've been journaling about relationships and what makes me so guarded - and she knows all about the very guarded part of me so I know she'll get it. And it will be freeing to have it out there.

In saying that it also would mean a shift in our relationship to something more open and integrated, which I suppose is the aim of therapy but is quite scary for me. But most things about this disorder and the process of revovery are quite scary!

 

[Abstract]

It makes total sense to me that all of this has largely been about gaurdedness and trust (if I am understanding correctly -?). Sometimes holding some of ourselves back can put up walls and make us feel a little safer. It sounds like you didn't feel safe at all in the start. Lying isn't the only way to put up walls of course but it certainly could be one way of doing so. When it comes to walls it often feels mostly about an internal feeling for me. Not even that much about what others think or see.

In that context it also makes sense that the kind understanding response you expect is more frightening. You are essentially deciding to take down a few walls and expect the possibility of new trust being born out of it. Never easy when you have trust issues! I also understand and have experience the fear and reaction to experiencing something appositive to what we are used it (and the simaltaneous gut fear that it will be the same as the past). Both of these, as uncomfortable as they are, are the sign of healing.

I so agree and relate to what you say about relational therapy being very healing and very difficult. Excruciating sometimes. Its fabulous you have reached a place where you can risk this with her. Good luck allowing yourself to show more of your authentic self and let her in a bit. Remember there are other ways of backing up if you need and ones that are more helpful in terms of relationships.

 

[I_will_recover]

@Suzetig

 

[Suzetig]

I love it, thank you :p

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh hee, how true. :joyful:

You are very brave @Suzetig . :tup: . I was thinking, I can't bring up things - don't see a reason to- that are past. And lso, if someone did say "that was terrible", the only thing I think I'd feel like saying would be, "It's ok! It's not so bad." So you're really doing amazing. :notworthy: :hug:

 

[Pakadlangitok]

I totally understand. Whenever I leave my house I am lying. At my T I just did not disclose a lot but then wrote her a letter she read IN SESSION. It was important she read it while I was there. We discussed it and it was over. No big deal to a good T.

She knows you feel vulnerable. She will get it :-) I encourage you not to waste a good T! And I should take my own advise. My T has been checking in and I have not been answering because I stopped talking. Ugh.

 

[Mach123]

I used to be honest to a fault. Of course even that's not true but what I found was I just used it as another way to hurt myself. Now I try to take a look at things and see what is in my best interest. So what I'm saying is don't stress about it. She has no right to get "mad" at you for anything and besides, how much of that is actually you? I find in most cases the person I'm afraid of is me and I'm projecting that onto the other person who is trying their best to like/love me, but I won't have it.

Do what's best for you, that little fib is nothing. My therapist knows what I can tell her or what I'm able to tell her. I only see her 45 min a week how can she really know me?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Suzetig

You pull my heart strings. I think you're taking a huge step forward just in acknowledging this.

Perhaps you could take your email with you, but as you said, try to psych yourself up to telling her face to face. If she's half the therapist you've described, I think she'll surprise you in a good way in how she responds. Giving her the whole picture will help her to know better how to help you. You obviously have a trust relationship with her, why not trust her with this?

Making yourself vulnerable is so hard! I think you need to pat yourself on your back!!!

 

[I_will_recover]

Check back in with us. We're rooting for you :tup:

 

[Suzetig]

Thank you - I don't see her til the end of the week so I'm in that pre-therapy contemplative place just now. Thing is, I know she'll be ok - it's me that's giving me a hard time.

 

[Suzetig]

And she was absolutely fine - as is so often the case it was a much bigger deal to me than to her. She understood why it was such an issue for me and we talked a lot about trust and guardedness but she wasn't at all angry or blaming - in fact she didn't think I had done anything wrong and didn't think I had lied so much as having done what I needed to to have my needs met.

She's a fab therapist and I'm reminded again about why I stay working with her.

 

[Abstract]

That's fabulous. So glad for you and credit to you for your courage.