Made A Horrible Mistake

[ronin47]

Figures this would happen during the summer when I'm not in therapy. Just my luck.

It's excruciating to write this because of the shame I feel, but I feel like I need to get it out.

So, as I mentioned in another thread, I recently got done with the Spring semester, and the end of the year was just a catastrophe that defies description. I had one particularly harrowing experience that involved a term paper. It was a paper that made up at least half of the points for the entire class. I had all of my notes ready and tried typing it up the night before it was due, but I was so tired from having a both a presentation and exam that same day that I couldn't concentrate. I decided to do it the next day and email it to the professor sometime in the evening. I knew he wanted it by 12:30 pm but I figured it wouldn't be a huge deal if I got it to him later than that, just as long as it was in by the due day.

That didn't work out so well. I opened my email at 4:15 to find a message from my professor reading, "If I don't have your paper by 5:00 pm today you will get a zero for the paper and an F for the class."

Needless to say, I panicked. For real, my hands cramped up and everything, which only happens when I'm really stressed out. In my frantic effort to finish the paper before the deadline, I definately crossed some academic honesty lines. Point blank, I plagarized.

And, inevitably, I got caught.

The professor gave me some very stern words that I fully deserved, told me I would fail the class, that he would infom his colleagues of my behavior so they would be vigilant in evaluating my work should I be inclined to try such a stunt again, and said he would NOT report the incident to judicial affairs since he strongly believed this was "out of character" for me.

What was I thinking? This whole thing is like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Ever since he sent me that email telling me he had discovered my academic dishonesty, I've had this heavy, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. He's always been one of my favorite teachers and a great inspiration. It just tears me apart to know that I've dissapointed him like this. What's more, all of my future professors will know about it to. Now that I've lost their respect, I've lost a huge chunk of my self respect. This definately marks a major low point for me. I feel like a convicted felon. I feel more shame, guilt, despair, and grief than I even know how to put into words.

I don't know how to recover from this. The only person who's really been hurt is me, and that's both my greatest pain and my only solace. I've got nobody to blame for this terrible situation except myself, and the only one who has to pay for it is me.

Something in me wants to just drop out of college because I don't know if I have the strength to go back and face what I did. Then again that school was the first place I experienced true inner peace and happieness and learned to feel like a normal human being. It gave me a life and future outside of my trauma.

I just don't know. Thanks for letting me vent. How do I get past this?

 

[Reclusive]

Forgive yourself and don't do it again. You're the only one punishing yourself. You're making yourself out to be a bad person. Recognize that you're a good person who freaked out and did something wrong - but it didn't hurt anyone, just yourself. Quit punishing yourself and resolve not to do it again. Self-forgiveness is definitely needed here. Be gentle with yourself. Imagine you had a daughter who got in trouble at school - do for you what you would do for her if she was feeling the way that you do.

 

[Cheshire]

Oh hun... I know exactly, exactly how you feel, because I did the same thing, almost exactly the same circumstances even. I still beat myself up over it to this day.

My honest opinion - don't drop out of college over this. You'll be even more disappointed in yourself if you do that than if you can keep pushing through it despite the really crappy feelings you have about this. Like your professor said, he believes this is out of character for you, and if you're honest with yourself, this was borne of extreme stress, exhaustion and panic. He's done what he had to do according to college rules re plagiarism, I assume, but it seems like he's taken your situation into account too, and hopefully he passes that on to his colleagues when he speaks to them about it.

Again, my opinion.. the way to get past this is to keep going, work hard, and rebuild their trust and respect in you and your own respect for and trust in yourself. Chalk it up as a mistake, learn from it and move forward from that point on.

Hugs to you xx

 

[AngelaMarie]

Yikes, this must be very hard for you!!! Obviously by your post you know absolutely 100% that you made a huge error. That is most important. Also, you said that your professor knew that this was out of character for you. That is a big plus. You can not stop college for this. You need to move forward, never do it again and show everyone it was a one time thing. Gosh, I have made some huge mistakes in my life!! We all have. Keep going and prove that you have learned from the situation. (((Hug))) I hope the hurt gets better soon.

 

[catjudo]

The professor gave you a kind gift by not reporting the incident to the school for further disciplinary action beyond the failing of the paper. It would be a shame to squander such a gift by dropping out of school. As others have said, down the road you will regret that action even more than you regret your academic dishonesty.

That being said, IMO, you need to rethink this incident a bit more. Yes, you realize that this was wrong, etc but be honest, you knew it was wrong before you did it and you did it anyway. And to think that individuals who engage in academic dishonesty are only hurting themselves is faulty thinking. When a professor gives an assignment it is, in part, to get information about how students are doing in the class and then use that information to adjust their teaching as necessary. When a student plagiarizes, the professor doesn't get truthful information they can use. The end result is that ultimately all the students needs are unmet because according to the information the professor gets from the assignment all is going well and students are getting everything they need from his teaching, when this is not the case.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

I have never felt driven to plagiarize a paper, so I can only imagine how panicked you must have felt. I also have had professors who I admire greatly and I can imagine how absolutely embarrassing it must be to have upset him so much.
If you're going to start to get past this horribly embarrassing decision you made, you should really sit down and talk to your professor. I am surprised that he told his colleagues about this, which leads me to believe that he really did not expect this from you and wants to keep you away from this behavior. I honestly think that this is him looking out for you and keeping your school work honest. If you're honest with him, that you panicked and you didn't think clearly about the worst that could happen if you didn't finish the paper. Maybe you should have talked to him about some difficulties you were having with the paper and you didn't because XYZ. Who knows, there are probably some nuggets in there that have been very valuable learning experiences for you and I would share those with your professor so that he knows that you at least aren't trying to justify your actions or that you're going to give up or whatever.

It's hard now, but I'm absolutely certain that you'll be a better person for it in the end. :)

 

[ronin47]

That being said, IMO, you need to rethink this incident a bit more. Yes, you realize that this was wrong, etc but be honest, you knew it was wrong before you did it and you did it anyway.

You're absolutely right. I guess in the moment not failing the class was what mattered to me most, even more than my integrity. I should've known I would get caught, but at the time I suppose the slim chance that I wouldn't and pass the class was what drove me. In hindsight I know I should've realized I was going to fail the class anyway and I should've at least done it gracefully and honorably.

 

[Lionheart]

Don't beat yourself up about it, that way you can move through this with the grace and honor you speak of.

 

[Kintsugi]

Ronin, it sounds like a lot of people have already delivered this sentiment to you, but I will put my thoughts into my own words in case they help shed more light in this dark.

Seriously, I felt like this two days ago. The papers I had to write weren't even a big deal. I was doing an independent study with one of my favorite professors, a man with a very stern and professorial exterior and squishy warm interior that is often hard to perceive but undoubtedly present. I thought hard and seriously about plagiarizing. I've had a class with him every semester since last year. I've never given him reason to believe I would need to plagiarize. I very well could have gotten away with it. The only thing that stopped me was that I have a keen eye for picking out unusual syntax in writers I know well, and his eyes are much keener than mine. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be sitting where you're sitting now.

And if I were sitting there and my reasonable self could speak to me, she would tell me that my a*s was saved by my professor's good will in not further reporting me. Perhaps scrutiny of my work would be appropriate given my mistake, but I would tell myself to make sure they realized I would never do it again through continued honesty in my work. My emotional self may want to quit school, but my rational self would say, "if he had reported you, you would have been kicked out, and no one would be to blame but me. But he didn't. He gave me a chance to persevere and to succeed, so I will."

As others have said, don't punish yourself further. If it will make you feel better, contact your professor with your sincere remorse after your grade is already posted so that he knows you are earnest and well-meaning in your remorse. I know and I'm sure that he knows that you never expected to do this and now will never do this again. You got your slap on the wrist. Just shrug your shoulders and move on. I assume you are an undergrad. No one cares what you do before you write a thesis. Really. Let yourself off of the hook and look at all of the work you performed over the semester. Now it's summer and you deserve a break. Friends of mine have done much worse and been temporarily kicked out but welcomed back and returned to their lives better for it. Life goes on and on.

(((Ronin))) Congratulations on surviving the semester. I finished at 1:00pm yesterday.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Crap happens. Just go apologize and tell the truth about it. From that point on if they want to pay close attention to your work, let them. They should anyhow, to all students' work.
So just keep up your hard work.

 

[Copper Stope]

Hi Ronin, what a nightmare you endured. Kudos to you. You have character and perseverance. Give yourself credit. You care so much and you are a hardworker. Employers would rather have one of you than 10 others who have never had to struggle. I plagerized-I was so frustrated with myself for having not thought of rumaging through the trash sooner because I retrieved computer printouts that had the code I needed for one specific problem. It felt so good to get to sleep again otherwise I would have had to camp out at the computer center to finish my assignment. Another rich experience I had was in a class full of stupid frat boys who probably never spent one sleepless night studying for an exam; at least not for this class. They had copies of all exams on file, so all they had to do is memorize the multiple choice answers. They all got As, I earned a C and also my instructor got acrush for me because one day after he demonstrated how to traverse a tree and asked for someone to volunteer to give a demonstration. I was the only to raise their hand. I did a super job and my instructor was super impressed. I can remember twice in eight years it took to earn my degree, that an instructor liked me. (I started out in nursing and change to a biz major). I was a single parent-I had no time to relax. Now I'm trying to get my career back on track. It's always been a battle for me-in the workplace I was stigmatized, etc.