Several weeks of being very functional, able to deal with people, do stuff, be a person. Then a crash, back to hiding, self hatred, running away, need to keep my arms clasped in front of me.
I had convinced myself I was OK, and had only ever been faking. Then back to an urgent need to find an answer, searching reading but not able to take it all in. After running away from a tai chi class yesterday I asked my self what it was all about, and saw two images. First of a jumble of wooden legs, and the edges of a carpet square leading to lino - the view of a child sitting under the table; then one that was wider sensory, of the smell of an old open back bus with the smoking section upstairs and the very technicolour rough texture upholstery with grainy red leather edges at eye level. Would be before I was eight, when we got a car.
So what use is that to me? I'm seeing the world through the eyes of a child. This morning I was woken by a child calling for Mummy. How is that supposed to help? I'm so angry with myself.
I had convinced myself I was OK, and had only ever been faking. Then back to an urgent need to find an answer, searching reading but not able to take it all in. After running away from a tai chi class yesterday I asked my self what it was all about, and saw two images. First of a jumble of wooden legs, and the edges of a carpet square leading to lino - the view of a child sitting under the table; then one that was wider sensory, of the smell of an old open back bus with the smoking section upstairs and the very technicolour rough texture upholstery with grainy red leather edges at eye level. Would be before I was eight, when we got a car.
So what use is that to me? I'm seeing the world through the eyes of a child. This morning I was woken by a child calling for Mummy. How is that supposed to help? I'm so angry with myself.