Memories Of Being A Battered Wife

[Let It Be]

I got married to someone I only had known for a month to get out of the house. It was soon apparent that I was going to be a battered wife, emotionally and physically. I had to watch every word, because I never knew when he would strike me. So I went living in fear at home, to living in fear in a marriage. He was killed in a car accident on 07-26, many years ago, and I became what people would call a "widow" at a very young age. People would say how sorry they were, etc. and they had no idea how I had been praying and praying for something to happen.

I knew I didn't have a family to rely on, so to the outside world I would acknowledge their comments and then on the inside, something much different was going on. This was my lie.

I had to let my "secrets" out to a safe person which I did. I wrote about it and said like if anyone thought he was a "nice" person, here is what happened to me while I was married to him.

It's funny how I went along with the lies to "survive" and what other choice did I have at that time.

There is one night I will never ever forget in my life. The night that I was "raped" by him. We had gone out with another couple and he was drinking, but I knew he was putting on an act. He was a very good con person...another story. I could tell, so I decided that I would put on an act and have a good time too. He didn't like it and on the way home in the car, he reached over and hit me. I became hysterical, could not stop, went into the other bedroom, and he followed me. He was using sex to make me be quiet.

The next morning, the wife of the couple called to ask me to go shopping with her. I asked my husband if that would be okay with him. I didn't know if he wanted me to go since I had a black eye, I went with her, and we didn't talk about it, and I acted like everything was okay.

I haven't been in a relationship since his funeral...I went back to my maiden name several years ago, people couldn't understand why...I did it for me...

What I am feeling today, is how I have never felt SAFE.

My counselor told me last week, how some people, just look like they have been abused, and I am one of those.

So, with my HP, I would like to believe that I'm doing better and not allowing people to walk over me, like I have in the past, knowing when a situation is not the best one for me, etc. I gave up my integrity so many times at my last job, just so I could survive, but it did make me so mad...

Even when I had my massage last Friday, the girl said - I know you're going through a lot and I never said a word...so hopefully, one day, this body will not react and feel safe, and not have so much fear...

So, the healing continues...

 

[Die Hard The Hunter]

Well, you haven't been in a relationship since then, much less a marriage, so your subconscious only has those incidents as its frame of reference. Not that a relationship is necessarily what you want right now, but when you feel ready for one, having a healthy, non-abusive partner will probably accelerate the healing process.

 

[shari]

Words that help me:

I am NOT the abuse I went through

Abuse is A story in my life not THE story.

Somedays these words mean more than others.

 

[BethRSA]

Thanks Shari for the good words to remember.

Let it Be,

You said, "And the healing continues." Yes, it does. Bit by bit as the dark past is uncovered. In the light, we can deal with it.

Blessings on your/our journey of healing.

 

[Hemels]

I was abused mentally and physically and raped by my ex partner so i can totally relate to your situation. I find that doing things to raise awareness towards domestic violence helps me heal my pain. Granted this isn't good for everyone.

I wish you well in your healing process.

Hemmy xXx

 

[purple5]

Hi.

I can relate. I still have issues with intimacy from being raped by my ex. I struggle with the fact that some people don't see it as rape if you are in a relationship with them. My ex and i separated 14 years ago, and the only reason he isn't still hounding us is because we moved away and he doesn't know where we are.

We had two girls who he emotionally abused, and some physical.

I am now trying for my 4th attempt at counselling. I have high hopes this time because during the other sessions i was still having to put up with abusive phone calls etc... now I won't have that.

I hope you learn to love again. I'm married again, but still have problems because of the past. There is love out there for you, there are some great guys who would never lift a hand to you. You didn't deserve what happened, and I hope you find the good that you DO deserve.

Purple5

 

[Let It Be]

Yesterday, when I was walking around my favorite place, the lake, I looked over at the cemetary, where on occasion I walk over to, and with it being Memorial Day weekend, and being back here, etc., I had one of those, oh, my, moments, to say the least. I wanted to write about it, and then for some reason, I found this, another, oh, my moment which brings me to say what I need to.

It seems that "my story" about me, has kept me stuck in so many ways.

My story, when someone asks me, did you go to high school here?

No, I went to high school in (name of city) which is a very big city.

So, why did you move here? (here, is a very small town).

Well, because I was married at the time.

So, you're divorced?

No, my husband was killed in a car accident.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

and then I feel so much shame because I know the real story, and it is like I'm still carrying it all.

So, how to let that shame go, change how I feel when I tell "my story", and in just recognizing it, hopefully, I can tell myself, I was doing what I had to so many years ago. I married someone just like my father, but other people don't need to know that, but I know it, thus, more shame.

I kept a roof over my head over all these years (same house) so still carrying around the shame from living with him here. Now to deal with all these feelings, that are still there, and to re-read this thread, oh wow, what a moment for me.

 

[Let It Be]

I need to add something to this.

I have been doing this one visualization where I'm on a plane, so can't get off, and am seated towards the back of the plane. I look up and I see a guy approaching. It looks like, according to his ticket, he will be sitting next to me.

I get to this point and I am freaking out inside. I want to tell this guy, that he will be so disappointed if he sits next to me. I am angry, that most of my experience with the male gender came through my father, my husband, and my brother, who was mentally limited.

So, through this visualization, I see how, I guess you might say, damaged, I was, and sometimes it is hard to accept. So, in real life, I see myself, going into a panic mode, if I see a guy coming my way, as I don't know how to act, just never learned how.

 

[Let It Be]

I need to add something to this, it does help me to just write it out here.

The other evening I saw an epsiode of "House" and at the end, you see one of his team, a female, standing in an elevator. The next shot is House joining her, and I immediately, felt a trigger go off inside of me. Like, I would not have felt safe at all being in an elevator, alone, with a male.

I didn't realize it but what I have probably would have done, would be just to "freeze", be like a statute.

If more than one guy had joined me in the elevator, I believe I would have felt okay, but not being alone with a guy.

So, more awareness, to feel safe, as I had no idea watching "House" would have been a trigger for me, but it was and I felt it.