Sexual Assault Mental Problems - Scared Of Things That Might Start To Arouse Me & Being Unable To Control Myself

[Bruvluv]

I think because of my continuous sexual assault in my childhood, I’m growing sicker and sicker in the head over time. I’m scared it might worsen to me getting aroused to very bad things as the thought of being raped and me having sex with my brothers ( who were 14 and 6) as a toddler already does. I was watching a video about a lady owning rats and the thought of a rat having sex with a human, a woman, came to me. I knew it wasn’t possible but i was kind of curious and I wanted to see it happen so I searched it up. Previously, I’ve been searching up beastiality videos because at first I was curious and it disgusted me when I watched it… but over time I got used to it and now it almost doesn’t faze me anymore. I’m scared things like this will start to arouse me and I won’t be able to control myself and I’ll eventually start doing the things i see in videos.
Any advice?

 

[Sideways]

I won’t be able to control myself and I’ll eventually start doing the things i see in videos.

You’ve said this in the present tense - as though watching these videos is still something you do. Are you able to put the brakes on that behaviour? Have something else that you can agree with yourself “next time I want to watch these videos, I’m going to … instead.”

Putting the adult lock on your phone in settings can sometimes be helpful. It adds one more layer that you have to go through before you can just start searching and scrolling again. Anything that puts more time and effort between you and the behaviour you don’t want to continue doing, you know? Gives you more space to make the decision to do something else until the habit has gone.

Ultimately, there’s a reason you’re watching these videos. And yeah, there’s a good chance it’s something to do with your trauma. Are you working with a therapist to process what you experienced? Do they know that you’ve got an unhealthy coping strategy that you’re using to try and deal with the emotional fallout?

There’s nothing particularly weird or disgusting about what you’ve described. Heaps of us folks here have dysfunctional ways to cope with what we’ve been through. A big part of the recovery process is going to be learning how to use other coping strategies, ones that are kinder to you, and don’t, of themselves, retraumatise you.

You might find some helpful resources/threads discussing either self-harm (SH) or intrusive thoughts. This sort of stuff comes up a lot on the forum.

 

[Friday]

If you’re afraid of developing a paraphilia working with a therapist who specializes in trauma & paraphilias might seem a great fit.