I didn't realize that posting the story would be so hard. If i manage to post this.. its try 3 after rewriting again. I keep making excuses like "this is too long!" or "my story is pathetic, and it was all my fault anyways!" but in my mind i know i need to send this. So I'm going to shorten it quite a bit and just do the first parts for now...
Between ages 1 and 2 my dad left our family after trying to kill us. He was drunk and so he wasn't charged with anything but he was told he can only see my brother and I on Saturdays if he arranges a supervisor, He didn't, he just left. I have some very horrible memories .. or pieces of memories of him abusing my mom and brother.
So when i was 4 my mom attended a woman's support/bible group, my brother was old enough to stay at home alone for a few hours but I had to go with her. The group meeting was held at one of the lady's houses. I would go down into the basement family/game room to play with toys from when her son was younger, or watch veggie-tales movies they had bought for the Sunday school class - These people were very active members of the church. The lady's husband would be home and he would spend his time in that basement also. He was a very trusted man, and a youth paster at the church. He taught me how to draw stars in that 5 line way.. I loved drawing stars. He also played innocent games with me. My mom had told me to be good and listen to him. Every Wednesday I had fun down there playing with him. He was my best-friend! I always was so proud to have an older friend. And i remember having feelings of love toward him.. like a dad maybe.
After about a year the games we played changed into secret games, I wasn't allowed to tell anybody about these games or my mom will die and go to hell, and my brother would hate me, I will go to hell.. etc I was a very christian child and believe in god like a fact, always knew he was "real". Anyways so i never told anybody about our games. The games were always roleplaying games, i would always play the part of baby, dog, or cat.. He always came up with the games i just played along.
When i played these games he would always make an excuse for me having to take clothes off. Like the cat have to pee, baby needs diaper change, Dog need to pee too and he always watched me and made an excuse to touch me.. He must have known when i really did need to 'go' because i always did when he mentioned it. He would tell me to pee standing up like a boy does and when i got messy all over my legs he would wash me and touch me. When we played 'baby' he would say "baby needs diaper change" and would pretend to change my 'diaper' taking my panties down and touching me.
When i played as a cat he made me pee in their cat's litter box. After-wards he always told me if i told that i would get in trouble for peeing in all these bad places/ways.
I still thought the games were fun .. when ever i was uncertain if the things we did were okay, he would assure me that this is what friends do, and this is what god likes. Said i was being a good girl.
Gradually our games moved into a bedroom in that basement with a water-bed. I remember thinking that water-bed was the coolest thing. In that room he would drink beer and smoke cigarettes he would tell me to try it too. I didn't like beer or cigarettes. He would also put me on his lap without my panties off and have his thing touching mine a blanket covering both of us. I still hadn't seen what his thing is and i didn't realize what was going on I thought it was his leg or something.. He always touched me there and said all friends do that.
He then started showing me porn movies telling me good girls touch each-other and men. I didn't like watching these. His threats also got more serious, saying if anybody find out he wouldn't be my friend anymore, he would kill me and my family, god would help him kill every person i know. I still believed that everything we did was what god likes. And keeping it a secret was gods idea. This is also when he showed me his penis I remember it was big and scary and ugly. He told me to touch and rub it, and put it in my mouth. This is when i started to hate going in that basement sometimes. When i didn't obey and do what he said he would hold me down and do it to me. I threw up when he put that in my mouth too far. He always got mad at me. He would hit me on my private parts or my behind. He would always explain why he does it, and that i need to behave and be a good girl.
I started to do things with my other friends too, telling them to keep it a secret. Showing them what friends are supposed to do to each-other.
Then one day when i was 7 he said that he wanted to take me camping with some other kids and their families and my mom gave him permission. His wife told her all about this camp. I was so excited to go to a kids camp and I still thought of him as my best-friend. I had begged for my mom to let me go. But when i got to this camp there were no other people. He took me into a room, i don't remember how we got there or where this room was, but it was dark and scary and i was tied to a counter or soemthing. He had tried to penetrate me before but i always squirmed away from it, saying that it hurts when he does that, and always got away from him and he always said he was sorry and so I forgave him. But this time I couldn't do anything, he did it to me and i was screaming but nobody came for me. I have no memory of what happened after but i ended up in the hospital. I never had to see him again. Everyone was telling me how sorry they were that this happen to me, and I was put in a class where they explain good touch and bad touch, and teach me how to talk when i go to court.
Finding out that all of our games were wrong really hurt. I felt really guilty and dirty, and i didn't know how to tell anybody. I still had to keep them a secret. Sometimes on wednesdays i would be excited to see my friend.. but then i have flashbacks of what he did to me, and all the pain he caused me.
It was a really confusing time and i didn't know how to communicate. I ended up completely forgetting about what happened. I developed a speech impediment and would stutter and lisp. but i only remembered what my mom told me when i asked about what happened. Or when my counselors told me what happened. They think that he was always good until oneday he raped me.
The memory of everything came back at 12 but every time I think I remember all of it there is more that comes to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 13 after a long stay at the hospital.
Throughout my entire childhood some of my uncles had touched me as well. I didn't think anything of it back then, and only at 12 did i decide not to have any contact with them anymore.
Currently I am too afraid to leave the house. I hallucinate that there are men watching me always in a dark silhouette form. I had to blindfold my favorite stuffed animal because I believe it can watch me. I haven't willingly left this house in a year. I stopped talking to anybody until very recently. I'm trying to get help but I can't phone my psychiatrist because I'm afraid of her. I can't go anywhere. I'm always hiding and hyperventilating. I cry for days sometimes without any control over it. I am suicidal most of the time. I'm a mess. :(
Thank you anyone who reads this.
Sorry about my bad writing skill.
~Misery
Between ages 1 and 2 my dad left our family after trying to kill us. He was drunk and so he wasn't charged with anything but he was told he can only see my brother and I on Saturdays if he arranges a supervisor, He didn't, he just left. I have some very horrible memories .. or pieces of memories of him abusing my mom and brother.
So when i was 4 my mom attended a woman's support/bible group, my brother was old enough to stay at home alone for a few hours but I had to go with her. The group meeting was held at one of the lady's houses. I would go down into the basement family/game room to play with toys from when her son was younger, or watch veggie-tales movies they had bought for the Sunday school class - These people were very active members of the church. The lady's husband would be home and he would spend his time in that basement also. He was a very trusted man, and a youth paster at the church. He taught me how to draw stars in that 5 line way.. I loved drawing stars. He also played innocent games with me. My mom had told me to be good and listen to him. Every Wednesday I had fun down there playing with him. He was my best-friend! I always was so proud to have an older friend. And i remember having feelings of love toward him.. like a dad maybe.
After about a year the games we played changed into secret games, I wasn't allowed to tell anybody about these games or my mom will die and go to hell, and my brother would hate me, I will go to hell.. etc I was a very christian child and believe in god like a fact, always knew he was "real". Anyways so i never told anybody about our games. The games were always roleplaying games, i would always play the part of baby, dog, or cat.. He always came up with the games i just played along.
When i played these games he would always make an excuse for me having to take clothes off. Like the cat have to pee, baby needs diaper change, Dog need to pee too and he always watched me and made an excuse to touch me.. He must have known when i really did need to 'go' because i always did when he mentioned it. He would tell me to pee standing up like a boy does and when i got messy all over my legs he would wash me and touch me. When we played 'baby' he would say "baby needs diaper change" and would pretend to change my 'diaper' taking my panties down and touching me.
When i played as a cat he made me pee in their cat's litter box. After-wards he always told me if i told that i would get in trouble for peeing in all these bad places/ways.
I still thought the games were fun .. when ever i was uncertain if the things we did were okay, he would assure me that this is what friends do, and this is what god likes. Said i was being a good girl.
Gradually our games moved into a bedroom in that basement with a water-bed. I remember thinking that water-bed was the coolest thing. In that room he would drink beer and smoke cigarettes he would tell me to try it too. I didn't like beer or cigarettes. He would also put me on his lap without my panties off and have his thing touching mine a blanket covering both of us. I still hadn't seen what his thing is and i didn't realize what was going on I thought it was his leg or something.. He always touched me there and said all friends do that.
He then started showing me porn movies telling me good girls touch each-other and men. I didn't like watching these. His threats also got more serious, saying if anybody find out he wouldn't be my friend anymore, he would kill me and my family, god would help him kill every person i know. I still believed that everything we did was what god likes. And keeping it a secret was gods idea. This is also when he showed me his penis I remember it was big and scary and ugly. He told me to touch and rub it, and put it in my mouth. This is when i started to hate going in that basement sometimes. When i didn't obey and do what he said he would hold me down and do it to me. I threw up when he put that in my mouth too far. He always got mad at me. He would hit me on my private parts or my behind. He would always explain why he does it, and that i need to behave and be a good girl.
I started to do things with my other friends too, telling them to keep it a secret. Showing them what friends are supposed to do to each-other.
Then one day when i was 7 he said that he wanted to take me camping with some other kids and their families and my mom gave him permission. His wife told her all about this camp. I was so excited to go to a kids camp and I still thought of him as my best-friend. I had begged for my mom to let me go. But when i got to this camp there were no other people. He took me into a room, i don't remember how we got there or where this room was, but it was dark and scary and i was tied to a counter or soemthing. He had tried to penetrate me before but i always squirmed away from it, saying that it hurts when he does that, and always got away from him and he always said he was sorry and so I forgave him. But this time I couldn't do anything, he did it to me and i was screaming but nobody came for me. I have no memory of what happened after but i ended up in the hospital. I never had to see him again. Everyone was telling me how sorry they were that this happen to me, and I was put in a class where they explain good touch and bad touch, and teach me how to talk when i go to court.
Finding out that all of our games were wrong really hurt. I felt really guilty and dirty, and i didn't know how to tell anybody. I still had to keep them a secret. Sometimes on wednesdays i would be excited to see my friend.. but then i have flashbacks of what he did to me, and all the pain he caused me.
It was a really confusing time and i didn't know how to communicate. I ended up completely forgetting about what happened. I developed a speech impediment and would stutter and lisp. but i only remembered what my mom told me when i asked about what happened. Or when my counselors told me what happened. They think that he was always good until oneday he raped me.
The memory of everything came back at 12 but every time I think I remember all of it there is more that comes to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 13 after a long stay at the hospital.
Throughout my entire childhood some of my uncles had touched me as well. I didn't think anything of it back then, and only at 12 did i decide not to have any contact with them anymore.
Currently I am too afraid to leave the house. I hallucinate that there are men watching me always in a dark silhouette form. I had to blindfold my favorite stuffed animal because I believe it can watch me. I haven't willingly left this house in a year. I stopped talking to anybody until very recently. I'm trying to get help but I can't phone my psychiatrist because I'm afraid of her. I can't go anywhere. I'm always hiding and hyperventilating. I cry for days sometimes without any control over it. I am suicidal most of the time. I'm a mess. :(
Thank you anyone who reads this.
Sorry about my bad writing skill.
~Misery
