Mom Posted Youtube Video...ideas On Response?

[DogwoodTree]

Also, I just want to say thanks to everyone who has read and/or responded to this thread. It helps tremendously to type this stuff out (so I have to organize my thoughts and evaluate them and this whole situation more objectively).

It also helps so much to hear comments back from all of you. I've been on this forum long enough to know that if you see something I'm thinking that is distorted or unhealthy, you'll say so. So when I'm getting positive and validating feedback, I know those comments are reliable indicators of how I'm doing with this...that I'm not just fooling myself.

 

[Nessa7]

One thing that I am concerned about that hasn't been mentioned is how much access your mother's church might have to your oldest child. If her reach is wide enough that your child may befriend members of her church, it might be necessary for your oldest to have some advanced warning. I'm trying not to phrase this in a way that makes it sound too sinister, but high school students can be encouraged to evangelize their friends.

 

[DogwoodTree]

how much access your mother's church might have to your oldest child.

Well, we homeschool, so that gives us some good insight into who our kids hang out with. They're involved in several social groups where we're not directly supervising their every move (which is healthy for growing teens), but most of those are either in another town or are not church related. However, that kind of influence could come through fellow homeschooling families, since that's more of a regional network than localized to each town individually.

I'm hoping I can teach all of the kids enough about healthy boundaries and respectful relationships that they'll recognize dysfunctional behavior no matter who it comes from. So then I wouldn't have to specifically tell them "bad things" about their grandmother, but their own red flags would go up if she engages in these unhealthy behaviors with them.

At our new church, we attended a "new members" meeting recently. I spoke with the lead pastor afterwards to give him a very simplified version of my concerns, mostly so I could ask him if his church currently has any involvement with her church, or if they're familiar with the movement she's in and possibly moving in that direction. His responses were very reassuring. It doesn't sound like he's interested in going that way at all.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@DogwoodTree again... You have a good head on your shoulders and you are doing great. Don't react even if she pushes your buttons. The one thing my therapist always told me was... "The best revenge is to do nothing, cause it pisses them off." They may up the ante, but without a reaction they soon figure out that they can't get to you.... So keep ignoring whatever she does.....

 

[DogwoodTree]

They may up the ante, but without a reaction they soon figure out that they can't get to you.... So keep ignoring whatever she does.....

Overall, this is working pretty well so far, so long as I'm super consistent with it. One little slip, like expressing disagreement on something at work, and she lays into me. We have these brainstorming meetings, where we try to figure out how to deal with a particular project or problem. And I've gotten to where I don't feel safe suggesting any ideas at all because she just criticizes me and acts like all of my suggestions, questions, and concerns are stupid. It seems like she has the "right" answers in mind already, and she's testing me to see if I'm smart enough to figure it out, then is quick to point out all the ways my ideas fall short of her ideal. It works a little better if I just ask for her opinion up front, and then go with that if possible. But we're not functioning very well as a team if her ideas are the only ones that matter.

Anyways, I'm trying to get more involved with service teams at my church so I can experience healthier relationships. It feels really foreign for people to treat me with such respect and to be so cooperative and patient and encouraging to help me learn whatever job I'm assigned to do. Even though I don't have any friends there yet, it feels like I don't have to work so hard to hide the autistic traits. Some of those traits are even valued for the ways I can uniquely contribute. That's a whole new experience right there...to be valued for who I am, not for how well I conform to someone else's expectations. I got a hint of that tonight at a meeting at church, and I really-really-really hope it continues.