Money Yuck!!

[duff]

Does anyone else have trouble sticking to budgets and/or having a hard time following through with things like paying bills? I feel like, when I'm really grounded it isn't hard for me to keep track of all the details and follow through and set up a budget and stick to it. But, I've had a few intense episodes in the past year where I just seem to bleed money or lapse on deadlines and start sinking my credit score and can't seem to feel/realize the long term consequences of my choices. I notice it happens in dark periods where I can't really see any future for myself or my life in general, and I'm dissociated from the actual reality of my life.

I am saying it here because a) I don't know how to say it to anyone in real life because I am so embarrassed by it and b) I am wondering if anyone can relate and/or share any strategies for dealing with/preventing this kind of thing.

It's never been bad enough to bring me to rock bottom - I always have had food and a home - but it's also SUCH a far cry from my financial goals for my life overall. I get really bummed out thinking about it, and feel like every time I start getting back on top of things something else comes and erupts my equilibrium and there goes all my hard work. It is very discouraging. I don't have trust of or experience with emotional stability in a way that could keep me in financial stability long term, and I hate it so much.

Thoughts?

 

[Marguerite]

I have periods of the same actions. At the time I feel overwhelmed by the need to pay my bills on time, but I think it may be another form of self injury. Then I over compensate by paying too much and having an unnecessary credit.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm the same, I hate dealing with official things and finances. I put off paying a bill, even if I can afford it, because I don't want to check my account, and make that phone call to pay it or organise direct debit.

It's part of my life that I'm constantly stumbling along with my head buried not wanting to look, managing, but never planning or saving. I don't go out much and I do have a job, so I stay upright. But I think it is an area where I'm very childish.

 

[Hashi]

This is a big issue for me. I relate it to having lived for so long in a dissociative fog. Things haven't felt real, particularly the future hasn't felt real.

can't seem to feel/realize the long term consequences of my choices

Exactly. Consequences haven't been real either. Derealisation has been a huge problem for me. But then I'd have a moment of waking up - often literally, in the middle of the night, but also figuratively - and feel the consequences and feel terrible.

I'm starting to be able to address it now I've done a lot of work to process trauma. Before that, I was still too much in the realm of trauma/avoidance/dissociation/derealisation.

Something that makes it additionally hard is the amount of stress I feel around anything legal or financial. There are some obvious reasons - like having been in a property transaction a few years ago where the solicitor and the other party both became violent and abusive (long story). I don't think it's only that, though. Addressing things now means having to face the consequences of what I've done/not done in the past, and having to forgive myself for that and all sorts of difficult things...

 

[Hashi]

Some practical things. Do you have the option of monthly plans for paying bills as you go along, and having the amounts taken automatically out of your bank account (in the UK this is called direct debit)? I also set up payments to go automatically out of my account to savings and to pension, even if these are small.

I only have one bank account and one credit card, and I don't carry the credit card. I only use it if I have to make a big expensive purchase, because of the guarantee and the insurance. I almost always pay with cash instead of charging even my debit card. Cash feels more real, and when I take it out I have much more awareness of the amount of money going through my hands. Plus when I take it out I see my bank balance displayed on the screen and the receipt.

I've given up budgeting. I know everyone says you should but it makes me feel too much like a failure because I can never stick to it. Instead, each month I automatically have something go to savings, something to pension and my bills paid, and then I try not to take too much cash out to spend.

I know you're talking about the emotional aspects and the unreality of consequences. I find that having the practical things in place helps a bit with keeping things on track. Paying with cash increases my connection to the reality of what I'm spending. Like I said, I've found it hard to do anything much about the problem while I was still processing a lot of trauma, but it helped to at least limit the financial damage and take some tiny steps to a better financial position.