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My Abuser keeps wanting to contact me.

I’m still having trouble accepting what they* did was abuse because it was mostly psychological but when I met them online years later as an Adult they created this fantasy world again with us that now included graphic discussions of sex & how he liked to dominate.

At first I loved it, the attention, the 5hr texting marathons, feeling like he wanted to see me again gave me hope to get things off my chest for closure, but now poof! Here he was again giving me his undivided attention, despite pretending to be someone else I laughed it off & despite the subtle put-downs and character shaming I still had this idea in my head of us meeting for cofffee. Even my Therapist suggested coffee (which in hindsight probably wasn’t a good suggestion due to my vulnerable mental state 😞) I’m an Empath who hates not getting along with people, even grudges I hate, so the more I pushed for meeting the more my abuser joked around by cancelling twice saying he was too busy (all under his online fake name) He wouldn‘t admit who he was so I told him how I felt about the previous abuse, my ptsd, how I even looked up to him as a Father figure. This was a Colossal mistake. His texts became more explicit with the main theme being Submission/punishment. I felt trapped in a fantasy I couldn’t get out of because of my past trauma with him. I felt like I was going crazy and he had control over me. 😣

After I finally blocked him & told him to NEVER contact me again I’ve been stuck in a VERY dark, lonely place but only starting to get better by practicing self-care, self-soothing & imposing STRICT boundaries.

Despite opening up to my abuser they only sided with him in the 3rd person with comments like ‘happens alot these days’ and ‘Your trauma is yours alone, only you can fix your Trauma’ 😓 I’ve read loads on Narcissistic abuse & he fits the bill (huge lack of empathy). I’m still ashamed I ever let this happen...they are a Highly respected intellectual on the outside world with many supporters who think he’s simply great 🤮

Was he simply fulfilling a sexual fantasy of his or was it something worse? The personal questions, the digs at my personality, caused me to spiral. This is what I’m struggling coming to terms with as meeting someone in your youth, you truly believe them to be nice, caring people but seriously felt like I was being groomed all over again as an adult and objectified.
 
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I’m still angry at myself for letting a complete sociopath into my life again.
It felt like deja vu, so naturally felt myself regressing back to the headspace of a teenager and they just revelled in it I think. I couldn‘t be the mentally strong woman I needed myself to be & became weak. Although I’ve blocked them they gave me their number for our prior WhatsApp chats and struggling 😔 I certainly DON’T want to contact this cruel individual but because of all the trauma/shared history together it’s especially difficult when my PTSD has gotten worse 😞 Advice please?
 
I know it’s absolutely terrible 😞narcissists & gaslighting have really messed up my health recently but get so frustrated thinking that they have had the last word and are off laughing somewhere about it, how petty is that?…(yes they are evil like that!)🫤
l believe it’s the trauma bond thing. (Why did I tell him that 😣) I don’t know why I still think & often obsess over a cruel, sadistic abuser, it’s the shared fantasy thing I think? and it’s awful…however I’m starting to feel stronger within myself now. They know exactly what they’re doing to people‘s emotions and vulnerabilities but karma will get them. 👍
 
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