Visions of hurting my abuser

[beckyblue10]

I can't stop having daytime day dreams/visions and nighttime visions when semi awake of doing awful things to my abuser (dad). I have early childhood flashbacks sensation of SA but no visuals of it so I don't know if it is real or not but I feel terrified and want to stab, punch, shoot him at close range as an adult. Like I am protecting my child self. It's usually his head I want to attack. I don't feel any remorse or guilt or shame over these actions. Usually the opposite, I feel relief. I feel my whole body being as angry and aggressive as it possibly can be and feels really good. I am seeing my trauma therapist this week but wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

 

[arfie]

oh my, yes, and not just in honor of dear old dad. as a child sex trafficking survivor, i have a host of janes, johns, etc., i fantasize about committing vigilante justice upon. some days i fear my fantasies of harming abusers are serial killer league. repressing those fantasies only seems to intensify them for the next spin on the not-so-merry go-round. anger channeling has been my safeguard. channeling those destructive fantasies into something less destructive than dissecting still breathing corpses in bathtubs helps me put them behind me, at least for a time.

small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

 

[beckyblue10]

oh my, yes, and not just in honor of dear old dad. as a child sex trafficking survivor, i have a host of janes, johns, etc., i fantasize about committing vigilante justice upon. some days i fear my fantasies of harming abusers are serial killer league. repressing those fantasies only seems to intensify them for the next spin on the not-so-merry go-round. anger channeling has been my safeguard. channeling those destructive fantasies into something less destructive than dissecting still breathing corpses in bathtubs helps me put them behind me, at least for a time.

small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

Thank you for replying it really helps that I am not the only one to I am very sorry for what you have been through, your visions seem as dark as mine. I have been reading a bit about channelling and using anger as a way to heal and manage triggers and negative voices but telling them stop, get out, you do not control me in an angry way. I think it's really going to help me. It one thing I don't feel guilty or shame about so maybe my body is telling me that these visions are helping me. Thank you

 

[Sues]

You're not alone in this. I've fantasized off and on for years about how to beat my abuser to death with my hands, a baseball bat, in the face, head and neck. It's very satisfying I think because in my fantasy I am able to fight back and not only win, but stop and destroy him.

 

[arfie]

your visions seem as dark as mine.

in my own case, the channeling, etc., seem to have helped tremendously. i haven't gotten as far as picturing free love and unicorns when i am reminded of these persons, but the bitter anger which so dominated my early adulthood has abated enough that i can hold sincere healing hopes for all. no exceptions. being free of that anger (mostly) is a preview of heaven.

keep stepping, becky. healing happens. i hope it happens to you.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I get visions like that when I remember specifics of that one person. I know it's not real and highly unlikely will happen but after meeting him, it's the only way I can truly calm down and feel safe.

I know want him to die, I want him to live and see what can become of a person if they are treated in such a way.

 

[Friday]

Just remember that fantasies and reality are wildly different things, and you’ll be okay.

Fantasising about a thing, and doing a thing? Are nearly polar opposites. What one imagines is nearly never the reality. Not even a tenth, or a percent, on reality. To imagine? Is just that. To tell you what you imagine, what you feel/think. That’s a useful tool. As it tells you about YOU. To do a thing, meanwhile, is a very complicated interplay that is only minority “you”, at best. And at worst? Not something you could ever imagine/think/feel, but is very, very, real. No matter how much you hate/loathe/revile/regret. It’s still REAL.

To think a thing, and to do a thing? Could not be MORE different.

Many, if not most, think a thing.

Few do.

Once you cross that line? There is no going back to the warm assurance of imagination.