ScubaChick
New Here
I apologize in advance for this being a long one and for it being about personal romantic drama but since it does involve my carer I don’t know where else to go with this.
My carer, aka my boyfriend, I think is I think leaving me. Giving up on me. Leaving me out to dry. I’m scared…I’m scared that this is going to put me into a horrible tailspin that will only worsen my PTSD and depression. He and I have been together for two and a half years and like everyone else, especially when it comes to matters of depression and PTSD, we’ve had our problems. I have tried to take care of our problems and address and discuss them as they have risen but most of the time he sits there in silence and lets me do the talking. I’ll even stop talking to let him talk and he’ll sit there and say nothing. We’ll sit there for five minutes or more until I finally break the silence. He is horrible at communication and his lack of communication and letting me know what is going on with his schedule and his kids is the main cause of everything. Unfortunately due to his lack of informing me it typically happens that we have plans and either a) he neglects to tell me up until the last minute that the kids have a baseball game or concert of some sort or b) the ex wife has decided to pull a fast one on us and dump the kids on us thus ruining our plans. Due to this I think I have developed some resentment towards his kids. I don’t hate them or despise them like our friends think; I love them very dearly and would do anything for them and have given much of myself for them which was major for me since I am not really that good when it comes to kids since I have never really been around them much. No I don’t hate them, I have learned to resent them due to the fact that every single time he and I have plans to have date night or do something with my family or our friends SOMETHING comes up. I have tried, begged and pleaded with him to just let me know what is going on and to keep me involved when there are things like orchestra concerts so that I can make a note in my planner to attend. He doesn’t. He is so bad with scheduling he has even forgotten about his own son’s orchestra concert once or twice. No one in that house, not even his own kids know what is going on.
To make this long story short let me cut to this past Wednesday. We were out to dinner with some friends and I don’t remember what caused the conversation but at one point one of our “friends” looked at me and said “You hate his kids. You despise them. Get over it. They are more important that you and you knew what was going to happen when you got involved with a man that had kids in the first place.” As in I shouldn’t get upset when our plans get changed and he doesn’t tell me. I lost it. I totally lost it. I have been working very hard with my therapist in trying to not get triggered and she triggered me and I didn’t even see it coming. I yelled and told her that she knows not what she speaks of and that she has no room to talk when she hasn’t walked a mile in my shoes. I stormed out (of a very nice social club mine you…OMG) and ended up on the steps outside bawling. He never came out to see if I was okay. Instead when they all walked out to leave after an hour he walked by, looked at me, told me good night and kept walking. I jumped up and grabbed his sport coat and yelled him for not being there for me when I needed him most. He continued to walk away, got in his truck and left. I ran after him barefoot in the rain (this chick can’t run in heels like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City) and drove after him and ended up at his house. We fought. It was ugly. I was so upset that our “friend” attacked me and he never came to see if I was okay. He sat right there and heard everything and didn't care if I was okay when he KNOWS that I have PTSD. No, he sat there for over an hour chatting and laughing with our "friends" while I sat outside bawling having panic attack after panic attack. All I needed from him was to come out, give me a hug and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Just be there for me. THAT'S IT.
Fast forward to Thursday. I didn’t go to work. I was up all night having panic attack after panic attack and throwing up everything that had been in my stomach for the past week. I finally talked to him late morning and he told me that he didn’t want to see me Friday because he needed time to himself to think. Okay, fine. I left him alone. Saturday I called him several times before he finally called me back. He met me at the park to talk. We talked and I told him that I was sorry for losing it and that I wanted to change. I told him that I wanted him to help me bond with his children better. I begged and pleaded with him. He just sat there. The only thing he said to me after 45 minutes as to anything he had done wrong was that he doesn’t communicate better. I feel like he pulled that out of his butt just to say something. We left with nothing solved except for him telling me that he’d call me later. He didn’t. He didn’t call me yesterday either. I went to church alone and had to see his parents and pretend that everything was okay. Instead he was out boating all day with the kids and our friends. The only way I found that out was because I was sitting on my boat in the harbor when they came in. I killed them with kindness and didn’t bring up anything. I’m sure they wanted drama, but I won’t give it to them. I'm bigger and stronger than that. They will NOT win.
So yeah, I don’t know where he and I stand. He obviously has problems with confrontation because he’s avoiding the situation now. It’s the same thing as when I was in the hospital from my stroke and almost died and he didn’t come home. (He was out of town on business and didn’t make an effort to fly home early when I had already almost died TWICE.) His “best friend” was just in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and almost died too and he didn’t go visit him except once when I made him go. I am questioning his character…because I don’t think I can be with someone who can’t deal when life throws us curveballs.
No, I am not innocent here. I have made mistakes because I am human, but I am at least willing to work on them to become a better person for him, his kids and myself. I have forgiveness in my heart for his mistakes but I don't think he does in his. I thought he was willing to work out problems out as he did go to a meeting with me to visit my therapist for some relationship counseling but now he’s running. I thought he loved me and cared and was willing to work with me on my PTSD issues as well as others, but if he leaves he obviously didn’t love me as much as I love him. So much for that “unconditional love” he pledged to me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is worth fighting for when he is showing me so many signs of not wanting to deal with problems. I think his "happy go lucky" persona has taken over to the point where reality is something he just cannot deal with.
I'm so lost. I know that he hasn’t been much of a carer if this is how he acts…but he’s all I’ve got. I'm scared to be without him even though he obviously has given up on me.
How do you get by without someone to lean on when your world is a mess? Am I right by thinking that maybe it's not good to be with him anyway when he can't handle REAL life?
Thanks in advance for any and all advice. I’m so lost and everything is closing in around me.
My carer, aka my boyfriend, I think is I think leaving me. Giving up on me. Leaving me out to dry. I’m scared…I’m scared that this is going to put me into a horrible tailspin that will only worsen my PTSD and depression. He and I have been together for two and a half years and like everyone else, especially when it comes to matters of depression and PTSD, we’ve had our problems. I have tried to take care of our problems and address and discuss them as they have risen but most of the time he sits there in silence and lets me do the talking. I’ll even stop talking to let him talk and he’ll sit there and say nothing. We’ll sit there for five minutes or more until I finally break the silence. He is horrible at communication and his lack of communication and letting me know what is going on with his schedule and his kids is the main cause of everything. Unfortunately due to his lack of informing me it typically happens that we have plans and either a) he neglects to tell me up until the last minute that the kids have a baseball game or concert of some sort or b) the ex wife has decided to pull a fast one on us and dump the kids on us thus ruining our plans. Due to this I think I have developed some resentment towards his kids. I don’t hate them or despise them like our friends think; I love them very dearly and would do anything for them and have given much of myself for them which was major for me since I am not really that good when it comes to kids since I have never really been around them much. No I don’t hate them, I have learned to resent them due to the fact that every single time he and I have plans to have date night or do something with my family or our friends SOMETHING comes up. I have tried, begged and pleaded with him to just let me know what is going on and to keep me involved when there are things like orchestra concerts so that I can make a note in my planner to attend. He doesn’t. He is so bad with scheduling he has even forgotten about his own son’s orchestra concert once or twice. No one in that house, not even his own kids know what is going on.
To make this long story short let me cut to this past Wednesday. We were out to dinner with some friends and I don’t remember what caused the conversation but at one point one of our “friends” looked at me and said “You hate his kids. You despise them. Get over it. They are more important that you and you knew what was going to happen when you got involved with a man that had kids in the first place.” As in I shouldn’t get upset when our plans get changed and he doesn’t tell me. I lost it. I totally lost it. I have been working very hard with my therapist in trying to not get triggered and she triggered me and I didn’t even see it coming. I yelled and told her that she knows not what she speaks of and that she has no room to talk when she hasn’t walked a mile in my shoes. I stormed out (of a very nice social club mine you…OMG) and ended up on the steps outside bawling. He never came out to see if I was okay. Instead when they all walked out to leave after an hour he walked by, looked at me, told me good night and kept walking. I jumped up and grabbed his sport coat and yelled him for not being there for me when I needed him most. He continued to walk away, got in his truck and left. I ran after him barefoot in the rain (this chick can’t run in heels like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City) and drove after him and ended up at his house. We fought. It was ugly. I was so upset that our “friend” attacked me and he never came to see if I was okay. He sat right there and heard everything and didn't care if I was okay when he KNOWS that I have PTSD. No, he sat there for over an hour chatting and laughing with our "friends" while I sat outside bawling having panic attack after panic attack. All I needed from him was to come out, give me a hug and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Just be there for me. THAT'S IT.
Fast forward to Thursday. I didn’t go to work. I was up all night having panic attack after panic attack and throwing up everything that had been in my stomach for the past week. I finally talked to him late morning and he told me that he didn’t want to see me Friday because he needed time to himself to think. Okay, fine. I left him alone. Saturday I called him several times before he finally called me back. He met me at the park to talk. We talked and I told him that I was sorry for losing it and that I wanted to change. I told him that I wanted him to help me bond with his children better. I begged and pleaded with him. He just sat there. The only thing he said to me after 45 minutes as to anything he had done wrong was that he doesn’t communicate better. I feel like he pulled that out of his butt just to say something. We left with nothing solved except for him telling me that he’d call me later. He didn’t. He didn’t call me yesterday either. I went to church alone and had to see his parents and pretend that everything was okay. Instead he was out boating all day with the kids and our friends. The only way I found that out was because I was sitting on my boat in the harbor when they came in. I killed them with kindness and didn’t bring up anything. I’m sure they wanted drama, but I won’t give it to them. I'm bigger and stronger than that. They will NOT win.
So yeah, I don’t know where he and I stand. He obviously has problems with confrontation because he’s avoiding the situation now. It’s the same thing as when I was in the hospital from my stroke and almost died and he didn’t come home. (He was out of town on business and didn’t make an effort to fly home early when I had already almost died TWICE.) His “best friend” was just in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and almost died too and he didn’t go visit him except once when I made him go. I am questioning his character…because I don’t think I can be with someone who can’t deal when life throws us curveballs.
No, I am not innocent here. I have made mistakes because I am human, but I am at least willing to work on them to become a better person for him, his kids and myself. I have forgiveness in my heart for his mistakes but I don't think he does in his. I thought he was willing to work out problems out as he did go to a meeting with me to visit my therapist for some relationship counseling but now he’s running. I thought he loved me and cared and was willing to work with me on my PTSD issues as well as others, but if he leaves he obviously didn’t love me as much as I love him. So much for that “unconditional love” he pledged to me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is worth fighting for when he is showing me so many signs of not wanting to deal with problems. I think his "happy go lucky" persona has taken over to the point where reality is something he just cannot deal with.
I'm so lost. I know that he hasn’t been much of a carer if this is how he acts…but he’s all I’ve got. I'm scared to be without him even though he obviously has given up on me.
How do you get by without someone to lean on when your world is a mess? Am I right by thinking that maybe it's not good to be with him anyway when he can't handle REAL life?
Thanks in advance for any and all advice. I’m so lost and everything is closing in around me.
