My marriage is falling

[Punky143]

Why is my marriage failing? Many reasons. I've been in individual counseling for over 15 years learning how to deal with life's ups and downs, how to find a voice when all I've ever done is remain quiet and internalize to my detriment. I've learned skills, found my voice and worked hard to be a better person for myself and others. I've been working on addressing past trauma and understanding why I view the world the way I do. It's been hard, frustrating and slow. But I still go, because I want to be better.

That being said, I'm doing it alone with no support from my husband. He loves me but doesn't understand why I go or doesn't want to understand. So after a hard session, I have to pretend everything is fine because if I don't, he thinks I'm upset with him and doesn't know why. He's said many times that he doesn't believe in psycho social bullshit and doesn't need to pay someone to tell him things that aren't a problem. He's asked me many times why it's taking so long and is it really helping. This mentality has had a major impact on our relationship in my opinion. I'm doing the hard work and it's met with jealousy, resistance and the inability to understand me. Although I've explained to him many times why I'm not overly affectionate, he gets offended and takes it personally. He's jealous when I spend time with my daughter. I no longer have friends because he thinks I'm avoiding spending time with him. I gave up trying because it just isn't worth the fallout. I've tried hard to help him understand that's not the case but nothing changes. He refuses to believe he has his own issues therefore anything that happens is because of my doing. What used to be fun spending time together has now become hard work. His insecurities are only getting worse and I know I can't force him to do anything different. He's quick to call out everyone else's faults but not his own. His actions have caused me to handle things on my own and gets frustrated that I don't ask him to do things that I can do on my own. Simple things.

I'm scared and sad that we're down this road but this has been going on for a long time. I'm just getting tired of feeling like I don't do anything right. He never makes decisions and always relies on me to.Yes we've tried marriage counseling but it was always about my mental health issues and wasn't worth the time. He's very good at making others believe he has no issues and can convince anyone he's happy who he is as a person.

I'm sad and scared of the thought that I just can't do this anymore. I've given up on who I am and what I like just to make him happy. I know I can't change him and know it's not for me to do. My goals no longer align with his if he has any. And I'm not going to be the one that does everything for his benefit. It's sad that it's come to this but I know in my heart I can't live like this everyday, dread coming home because I have to entertain him in order to avoid conflict. He believes in the old traditional marriage practices and I don't. I don't have anyone to talk to about this other than my therapist and it's lonely and sad.

 

[Karen]

You've put in 15 years of individual work unpacking trauma, building a voice, and facing the world without the blinders it imposed. That's not small; it's evidence you're capable of change when you commit. But your marriage is eroding because you're carrying all the weight solo, and your husband mirrors back denial instead of partnership. His dismissal of your therapy as "psycho social bullshit" isn't jealousy or misunderstanding—it's avoidance of his own accountability. He offloads his insecurities onto you, resenting your time with your daughter or what used to be friends, then faults you for handling things independently. That's not love demanding effort; it's control disguised as tradition, punishing you for growth he won't match.

Look straight at the pattern: You explain your low affection from trauma wiring, he takes it personally and doubles down. Marriage counseling fixates on your "mental health issues" because he sells a flawless self-image to everyone, including therapists. You're not imagining this—it's him externalizing faults to evade his. Fun time together turned laborious because his refusal to self-reflect forces you to perform, dread home, and abandon your goals. You've already clocked that you can't change him, yet you're still measuring your worth by his approval, giving up who you are to sidestep conflict. That's the trauma echo: internalizing to survive, now sabotaging your progress.

The hard fact is your goals diverged because his stagnation demands you shrink back to fit. Staying means more loneliness, more pretending post-sessions, more exhaustion from entertaining to avoid blowups. Leaving isn't failure; it's aligning actions with the better person you've built. What specific boundary have you tested lately that protects your therapy gains without his input? How does dreading home impact your daily triggers and sleep? Map one non-negotiable change this week—like reclaiming solo time without justification—and track what shifts internally. You're not starting from zero; use the skills you've drilled for years to enforce them here. What's the first step you're ready to own today?