My CPTSD, His CPTSD or ASPD?

[sp2007]

Where to start. I've been in a relationship for many years with someone who is not well. He has told me he has CPTSD, but I have seen medical reports (he shared them with me) that indicate he has ASPD. The story of the relationship is too much to share here, but suffice it to say there has been chronic and extreme hypersexuality throughout the relationship plus vague references that indicate he may actually have been a victim of childhood sexual assault. I have been in therapy for several months now and recognize the relationship as abusive and am trying to extricate myself. I have been severely traumatized by his behavior over the years and also now have a CPTSD diagnosis of my own as a result. My question to all of you - and I am asking solely because I am honestly curious - not because knowing the answer will excuse anything he has done or convince me to stay in the relationship because I feel sorry for him - is it possible for CPTSD from childhood sexual assault to manifest itself in this way?

 

[Weemie]

You'll have to be more specific. Sexual abuse can certainly result in hypersexuality, yes. Abusive behavior is not in the diagnostic criteria for PTSD, but PTSD can cause people to be more likely to abuse if they are unmanaged, have additional factors like combat Conditioned Emotional Responses, or comorbid personality/mood/psychotic disorders.

Untreated mental illness in general can increase the risk of poor behavior, but a reason isn't the same as an excuse. We all have agency, and as legally competent adults we are responsible for our behavior. If we have disorders that increase the risk of harming others, then we are responsible for managing those disorders.

 

[Friday]

My question to all of you - and I am asking solely because I am honestly curious - not because knowing the answer will excuse anything he has done or convince me to stay in the relationship because I feel sorry for him - is it possible for CPTSD from childhood sexual assault to manifest itself in this way?

Most basically? Nope.

There are a whole lotta shit symptoms that come along with PTSD, but that doesn’t cause people to take that shit out on others.

 

[sp2007]

Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head - he is unmanaged. I have obviously suggested he seek therapy but he seems annoyed at the suggestion. From my perspective as a relationship partner, his hypersexuality is the most hurtful/abusive of his behaviors but there are other behaviors that are also problematic. I struggle with knowing/understanding whether CPTSD from sexual abuse is actually at the heart of it or whether it is just a clever ruse by someone who has ASPD. In a sense it doesn’t matter because I need to leave either way, but it does matter because I am trying to figure out whether I can let him remain in my life in some way. This has been so difficult because I do care about him. I hope this makes sense.

 

[sp2007]

Most basically? Nope.

There are a whole lotta shit symptoms that come along with PTSD, but that doesn’t cause people to take that shit out on others.

My concern is that he is using CPTSD as an excuse for behavior that is actually a symptom of ASPD.

 

[Movingforward10]

I had childhood sexual assault. And I used to engage in hypersexual behaviours. And I used to not understand appropriate behaviour in relationships. And I prob could, in my younger days, say some of my behaviour was coercively controlling.

However, I made the decision at 24 to learn from my mistakes in relationships and not behave in certain ways again. And I didn't. I didn't understand then the reasons why I behaved in certain ways, or allowed others to behave in certain ways to me, but I stopped some behaviours.
It took me a few more decades and a few years of therapy to understand it all.

So, like others have said: yes, no, context, other issues and ultimately: every adult has the ability to think and reflect (unless they have a cognitive issue) and has agency over their behaviour.

 

[sp2007]

Thank you all so much for your replies. They have all been extremely helpful, as have many of the other threads here. As I mentioned, I am working on extricating myself from this relationship. We have been together a long time and there is lots of good mixed in with the bad, which makes it harder to leave and extremely sad/painful as well.

That said, as you all have clearly stated, having CPTSD does not excuse bad behavior (regardless of whether it may be a cause of or contributing factor in the behavior). And, of course, I am not even sure he actually has CPTSD - I have only actually seen one official medical report, which had a diagnosis of ASPD, which is a far more concerning possibility.

The relationship has been very confusing for me because of all this and, as a result of his hypersexuality - and the resulting trauma/CPTSD that has caused for me - I am now highly reactive and unable to function in a healthy way around him.

We have actually been on a "break" for the last two months as things had become very heated following another indiscretion and several months of concerning behavior on his part where he tells me he is depressed/suicidal, and then disappears for hours and hours, including overnight, and refuses to respond to texts/calls just to let me know he is ok. I am supposed to meet with him next week to talk about what we are doing and I am dreading it.

I am concerned he will try to sweep this all under the rug as he has done on numerous occasions and I cannot allow that as the relationship is currently toxic. We have been talking on and off during this break and have actually seen each other twice during that time; the last time we met, he showed me that he was working through Pete Walker's CPTSD book. While that may be an extremely small step in the right direction, it could also just be an extremely devious manipulation, meant to elicit sympathy and keep me in this dysfunctional situation.

I have asked myself what it would actually take for him to convince me that he is serious about addressing his issues and I am not sure. It's like being with an alcoholic, who says they want to stop drinking, but appears not to be able to do so - how do you know when you can trust them again? Big questions. I'd love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to establish and reinforce boundaries to keep me emotionally safe and continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am not young and this is not where I envisioned being at this stage of life. It feels like I am having to start all over and rebuild from the ground up. The whole thing has just been a total mindf*ck. I hope there is light at the end of what seems to be a very long and dark tunnel.

Thank you all again for sharing your thoughts/perspectives. I'm happy to have found this community.

 

[Alien0n3arth]

I was sexually abused as a child and I had hyper sexual behaviours, I used to masturbate up to 6 times a day, I had also some inappropriate behaviours in public. Not an issue anymore, but it used to be. Now I’m kind of tired of anything that has to do with sex. But it might be also linked to my trauma in adulthood.

 

[Helpfulmom34]

There is now a corelation between untreated CPTSD and ASPD(basically one can lead to the other).

I am so sorry you're hurting. I have been of support to those who were going through divorces(one male in the equation had ASPD, the other of the other couple had NPD); I vicariously watched as the women lived through the things they did.

I am not saying x label= x experience, but there's was bad enough to impact me(as a bystander, vicarious trauma and all).

Coming from that, I can say, in my own way, I am sorry to hear of your pain and I am empathetic to that but am also feeling that you are doing amazing work to be able to come to the point you have(and commend all you're doing to heal)♡

Continue on with your healing journey. That is the part one *can control*, in a healthy way.

 

[Helpfulmom34]

Untreated CPTSD can lead to developing ASPD but the symptoms are very different for each(and once someone is diagnosed with ASPD) it means they are at an age where they see how their symptoms are problematic enough to interfere with significant areas of life, yet don't seek improvement(to put it nicely).

The ASPD diagnosis comes at the end of a spectrum(starting with ODD, Conduct disorder and ASPD) the others are there to indicate age group/part of the spectrum, where there are treatment options/parenting styles/parental involvement/medication and support that have a 50/50 chance of improvement.

Though once one gets the ASPD lable it means they know their symptoms impact them heavily and they don't mean to improve and are considered an adult.

I have not seen any correlation between ASPD or CPTSD, and hypersexual behavior in males(though in women with ASPD, sexuality can be seen as impulsive/compulsive, hypersexual as a means to manipulate others).

CPTSD can lead to sexually risky behaviors(as a coping mechanism) or due to emotional dysregulation.

Personally I want to commend the work you have done, to get to where you are in healing.

I do have immense compassion, empathy and even second hand understanding of what it is to heal from this, having been support to these vary situations for two women(not saying all situations are the same or that "it is the same") but I had vicarious trauma from being so in that loop for those individuals(and one of a strikingly similar path) enough to know it is shocking, painful, filled with grief, and how ones own trauma will play up, at these instances and that sometimes *having answers*, only seems to hurt one more.

Please continue on your healing journey as healing yourself, is what you may have positive control over-not the part of the journey that is all his(his diagnosis, his journey within it, his choices/words behavior) that is all for him to heal and only he can do so if he chooses to.

I understand needing answers to an extent, about him(to process) but be weary of roominating on that aspect as that won't help you.

Please don't assume that all of *either label*, equate to what your partner has put you through.

I say this as some fall under that "trap", so to speak and that sort of thinking doesn't help with the healing(it makes folks hyperfixiate, roominate, get stuck on smaller details of a big picture) and not percieve it.

I know all too well, it is very hard to heal from things like this.

Roominating,victim mindset, hyperfixiating, idealizing the past, panicking/panick attacks(this can all simply be part of the grief - it doesn't mean "go back to it or try to fix it" and can be indicative of how triggered and unhealed on is, personally(not as a judgement, its just our minds try to help us in unhealthy ways) our minds are made like problem solving machines (not everything is made to be "fixed") so this can make for messy adaptations that speak to ones own trauma.

The most helpful things I have seen is someone choosing to heal their own childhood, to where they recognize the roots of why they chose such a person, what conditioning and experiences before them made them stay, what "made them", the person that in a way, submitted to this(and longer, without realizing it). It's hard to find balance in these things for many so please go easy on you♡

Both women I knew ended up needing therapy and medication to heal and healing looked different then they may have realized in the sense that they weren't the women they were before this after but they became more self aware and grew, all the same♡
It is a hard journey, I wish it wasn't so hard.

You are in my thoughts ♡