Relationship My Fiancé Left Me Because Of His Ptsd

[Nelson2015]

This may be a long one guys... But Plz read.

I have known my (as of now) ex fiancé since high school. He liked me then and I didn't feel the same way. Little did I know he would become the love of my life...

He graduated a year before me and joined the Army. He was in an infantry unit that was sent to Afghanistan. He ended getting hurt... He was in a vehicle that ran over IUD. He was sent home, and eventually medically discharged because of PTSD and a TBI. During the 8 months it took to actually send him home from the Army we talked, and we fell in love. I know he was going through a rough time before he came home. He came home to a cheating wife... Who he promptly divorced. He was also dealing with the PTSD.

When he came home he fine... I didn't see the PTSD most of the time... Just in crowds and that kind of thing. You guys... He was the sweetest most nurturing human I have ever knkown. I was treated like a princess for almost 3 years. We lived together for 2 years... Got engaged... planned a life. Then it all changed...

We have had a rough 6 months financially... family emergencies... stupid life stuff... having to move... and just one thing after another. The way he changed wasn't gradual at all. One day we were laughing and having a great loving together... The next he was shut off and distant. And there it stayed. No affection... No I love yous... No sex. He was diagnosed as clinically depressed literally the day he changed. The man you never ever wanted to be away from me now wanted to stay at his friend's house (His friend also has PTSD). Of course I thought he was cheating on me. He was hiding his phone and stuff. Come to find out he was hiding it bc of trust issues that he didn't know he had for me. I have never done anything to make him mistrust me, and he knows that. He was also guarding his phone bc he had changed his background picure to a picture of him and his unit.

I strongly believe that he was not/is not cheating on me. I know that happens sometimes with PTSD but he just isnt...

One day he broke down and told me the home where we were living during the rough 6 months was a trigger. I told him to go stay with his friend and we would get through the rest of the month until we moved.

A few days later he informed me that I was his trigger. I'm not proud but I pushed him during a fight. He said it wasn't my fault but I triggered something.

We ended up breaking up. He opened up to me about some of the details with his flashbacks the night we broke up. That meant a lot to me.

He told me that he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't know why. He doesn't know when that even happened. I have done a lot of research on combat PTSD with TBI bc I'm not going anywhere. He needs me. I'm the only one who loves him unconditionally and knows what's going on.

When we first broke up a couple weeks ago he told me (in tears) that we will never get back together. As the weeks have gone by we have been talking and seeinguys each other occasionally... Even having sex a few times (Not the best thing I know). He says that we may have a chance in the future now. He says he may be able to fall back in love with me. Could he be realizing that he is numb and has buried his feelings? He told me that he didn't want to give me false hope and to move on when I wanted to... but he also says lets see what the future has in store.

He went to our nephews bday party yesterday and said it was had without me. He has been sending me selfies and we have been having great convos over text. It almost feels when we first started talking again.

He is seeing a therapist and going to a support group as far as I know.

At this point I feel like he is feeding me lies sometimes about the most random stuff. It could just be that he is so angry and different and I'm paranoid? He has never hurt me, but his anger is there. And it's scary. It's part of the reason we broke up... He didn't want to scare me.

I just want some advice from people in my shoes or people in his shoes... Is there any hope for us? What's going through is mind when we are having a good chat and sending funny memes to each other all day?

Thanks for reading.

 

[Nelson2015]

@Becksknox
I saw you post on some other boards... I'd love to hear what you think.

 

[Sweetpea76]

A lot of times there is a "honeymoon period" when you are in a PTSD relationship before the sufferer has a bad episode or is very symptomatic. Then the proverbial stress cup overflows and the beast comes out to play. It is hard to tell what the future may hold, he may be back, he may not... but he is still talking to you, so that may be a good sign.

Here is an article that will help explain what happenes when a PTSD sufferer has to deal with a lot of stress... like your hard six months, or starting therapy. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

Also, don't feel like you caused his symptoms or are a trigger. That is not on you. He has to learn to manage his stressors and own them... there is a big difference between a trigger and a stressor. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/

You aren't alone. A lot of supporters have been through a PTSD retreat with their sufferers. Sometimes they are able to progress and be healthy enough for relationships again.

 

[Nelson2015]

Thank you for your advice. His cup overflowed in such a short amount of time... Literally in a 2 Week period we went from being fine to being broken up.

In the 2 weeks since we broke up he has been very talkative... Better now than he was 2 weeks ago. We talked for about 8 months before he came home from the military and it kind of feels like we are back at that stage.

I think after we moved out of our apartment when breaking up he realized that I was not a trigger. Idk...

@Sweetpea76

 

[Nelson2015]

@Sweetpea76

I read the link you sent about triggers versus stressors. So obviously I was stressor, and he is better around me now that we don't live together. Do you think he wants me in his life so he can learn to do seal with me as a stressor? Maybe he wants to be with me but just can't right now?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sufferers can barely manage themselves when they are symptomatic, so relationships with other people can really overwhelm them. It is hard to tell what he is thinking or doing... he probably isn't even sure himself. I would say that it is a good sign that he is still talking to you and still seeking you out at least. It is very easy for a sufferer to totally isolate and/or cut people out of their lives if they don't want them around.

The best advice I can give you is to step back, relax, breathe... and just go with the flow. Stress is not your friend either. Take care of yourself and give him a little room (ie no big relationship talks, or stressful questions about what he wants for the future etc). If you guys are enjoying spending time together or having nice chats and swapping memes, then enjoy it. That may be the only type of relationship he is capable of having now. As long as you are happy with it as well, there is no harm in letting it ride.

 

[Nelson2015]

Thank you!! I really do enjoy just talking. I know there is no need to talk about the future right now. He needs to work on himself, and neither one of us have a crystal ball. He did tell me that he has never wanted to see or talk to anyone that he has ever dated after they broke up, so I feel like it's a good sign. @Sweetpea76

 

[Keepingthefaith5]

I'm currently in the same spot. Lots of hugs! All you can do now is give it time. My vet randomly pushed me away today because of a misunderstanding on how he perceived my response. Last night we had an amazing time and even in past weeks and months. I'm praying for you and your situation and hoping you find peace and clarity in your situation. I know today can be a huge triggered as well.

 

[Nelson2015]

@Keepingthefaith5 Thano you... My thoughts are with you as well. There have been a few times where he has perceived what I say in the wrong way... He is starting to realize it days later and he apologizes. He has never told me that today was hard for him until this morning... even after 3 years... but he has speny the day texting me from work and sending me funny pictures. I hope that I somehow made his day better.