My Friend's Husband Has A F*ck Trophy Out There

[Jimmy1]

I agree with parts and disagree with parts.

Now, it would be a totally different story if Bob knew nothing about the child until one day a kid knocks on the door and it's a 'Forrest Gump' scenario, she is dying and the kid needs a home. It would also be a different story if the kid was 16 or 18 and wanted to find out who her 'Birth Father' was, there could be other reasons you know.

Take Margaret, she was adopted at birth because in Australia in the late 60's early 70's, it was totally uncool to have an illegitimate child. But she searched through the records to find her mother for a reason. She was having some medical problems and needed to find a history, it turns out there are some genetic probs. Lucky Margaret has none of those, but it's nice to know.

I was going to mention, I'm adopted too.

What does this woman want? If it's just money, then yes she should f*ck off and not ruin a good relationship, they are hard to find. I have been the step father to many a child they can really put a spanner in the works. A DNA test is the way to go though, it would prove beyond a doubt who the father is, what happens after that, well I agree with you, she chose to run off with his money and she chose not to have the morning after pill.

Ever watched 'An Officer and a Gentleman', we have that scenario over here all the time. Girls go to town with the aim of finding a strapping young soldier, getting him drunk then calling in about 12 weeks when it's too late and saying 'Your going to be a daddy'. As much as kids have rights, I have seen promising careers and great relationships ended by bitches after the $$$.

Lets get to the root of my issue.

I have a 24 year old son. He has always been my son, but if you looked at a family photo, you would say that even my step children look more like me that he does. My two natural children, to two different wives have my genetic traits (rugged handsome good looks and heaps of muscle for the boy), and (goddess beauty for the girl). On a more serious note, they have all my traits. Dark hair, hazel eyes, etc, where as he is blonde hair, blue eyes. I did not question it until six years after my divorce when I found out that she could not keep her legs together. She sucked every last drop of blood out of me just about too. I hope she dies a slow painful death.

Anyway, I have spoken to my son and we are going to do the whole DNA test one day, just for my peace of mind, but he will always be my son. I would sue the arse of her and take her house if I was proved to not be the father.

Anyway Raven, the kid does have the right, they should not be held responsible for their mothers doings. The question on my lips would be 'What is her motive'? if it's just to cause havoc, then by all means tell her to f*ck off. If the kid wants to know who her birth father is, then let it be.

By the way, the husband of my second wife did not pay a cent child support to his kids, I raised them. He always wrote it off at tax time claiming he was a low income earner. f*cking arsehole. Well, his kids call me dad, and him Richard. I told them too when they were adults.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[5line]

it isnt all bobs fault !! there is only one asshole in this story and thats his f*ck buddy. his obligation in the matter ended when he and she agreed to an abortion. she didnt get one. now its her responsibility. but it also isnt the kids fault. this IS a tough one......

 

[dutchiedelta]

The anger towards the ex-gf is understandable. But I can also see a young woman at college age that may have changed her mind about having an abortion. For lots of reasons.
Should she have told him? Probably yes but that's water under the bridge.

The boy is innocent in all this. Good that you are so protective towards your friend but at the end of the day (DNA confirmed) it is his child.
Nothing will ever matter more than blood of your blood. Flesh of your flesh.

"Bob" might still be in shock but is it possible he likes the idea of being a father to this child in some way?
It's up to him if he wants to be in contact with the boy or not. If it is his natural child I hope with all my might that he does. Every child needs both parents, no matter how effed up the situation is.

Both Sally and Bob will need a hellavu recovery to overcome this news.

Put yourself in the shoes of this 8 year old child. He doesn't deserve to be called names of have hatred against him. He never did anything wrong now did he?
Without the motives of the mother even, if it is his child, it's up to Bob and Bob alone to decide to be part of the boys life.

My ex couldn't handle the situation between us and was too_____ whatever to fight for a solution.
As a result my children suffered from this. A lot!
Even a bad dad (as long as he's not abusive in any way) is better than no dad.
Some people want to move on without the burden of a child. I say, they can harden and do this but should have thought about it before shooting off their load in a woman.

If a man or woman gets this cold they can walk out the door and forget they ever made a child, to me they are selfish bastards.
Being human is about life, children, relationships and responsibility. Not even financial but emotional.
Don't want that? Use a double strength condom.
Cos walking out the door and leaving your children behind and harden yourself against the love that might be there is inhuman.

 

[Raven]

It would be one thing if he was around for the kid from the start and then walked out. I agree that is pretty heartless. But this is different, and my friend's husband has no obligation to a child whose existence he wasn't aware of until a few months ago. Like 5line said, the baby mama agreed to have an abortion. It's nobody's fault but her own that she changed her mind. At what point can we stop making it all about this kid, and start considering Bob and his wife?

The child doesn't have this god-given right to have both his parents involved in his life. Some kids are raised by single parents. Such is their lot in life. Oh well. And the kid certainly doesn't have the right to just disrupt someone else's life simply because he exists.

My friend drew the line in the sand. She told her husband he has to choose between them or her. He chose her and cut contact with this othe women. He had given this other woman money for an abortion. It's not his problem she got cold feet. He doesn't owe her a cent more.

 

[dutchiedelta]

You are right, the mother of the boy is at fault.
Some children are raised by single parents, also true.

To me, as a mother, it will always be about the child first. Adults come second cos they had a say in matters.
To nookie unprotected or not was both their responsibility.

If Bob wants nothing to do with his son, so be it. Bob and Sally are your friends so perhaps to you it'll always be their pov.
Which makes you a loyal friend. A friend to be proud of.

I'd also be proud if Bob were my friend and at least looked into the matter. Cos it is about the kid and not about the inconvenience for Bob and his wife. (to me that is)
Don't want ankle biters? Keep those pants on lads and ladies

 

[Raven]

But sex is so fun, and ankle-biters are so easy to avoid nowadays. ;) I disagree that having sex with someone automatically ties you to the possible responsibility of children. Sex is just sex.

The whole "if you don't want to risk pregnancy then don't have sex in the first place" adage is like telling someone he shouldn't take a shit because he might get a hemorrhoid. I understand that moving one's bowels is necessary for individual survival and having sex is not. However, if we always avoided engaging in any activities because of "what ifs" then our lives would have been a lot more boring. I shouldn't go horseback-riding because I might fall off. The possibility of pregnancy shouldn't be a deterrent for a guy trying to get it in, especially since the pregnancy is so easily undone and the whole thing can be forgotten. An unwanted pregnancy is more easily fixable than a hemorrhoid or a broken bone from falling off a horse. And I'm saying this as a woman who has made that choice. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and moved on with my life.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Sincerely not having a dig but I have to say it.
Not every woman can get rid of an unwanted pregnancy and move on.

Having a dump is not to be compared with having unprotected sex. Accidents aside, there are ways to avoid STDs and pregnancies.
In this case it's more complicated cos the other said she'd take care of it. I don't know her reasons not to.

The possibility of an unwanted pregnancy doesn't stop many people, not just men. When in the mood the brain goes on holiday often.
If later they end up with the clap or worse, don't expect sympathy from me. You did it, now face up to it.

I don't see a pregnancy as a thing that can easily be undone. Many of the women I worked with had deep regrets and sometimes physical damage.
Most emotional scarred and having to overcome guilt.
Forgetting was not on the menu for everybody that terminated a pregnancy.
So no clue what possessed the mother of (possibly) Bob's son to change her mind.

All I do know is, there is an 8 year old boy now and whatever happens, his interests come first.

 

[Raven]

I see your point, but the mother should have been honest about her change of plans. She should have told the guy that she could not or would not terminate the pregnancy. By leaving him out of this huge decision, she made the choice to go it alone. I have respect for that--it's ultimately her body--but she can't just decide eight years later that she wants him involved now. That should have been something she voiced when the decisions were being made, if she wanted him involved at all. She obviously didn't want him involved back then, and this is not a choice she can go back on. It really was "now or never" nine years ago when she made up her mind. I don't really see why the kid's interests come first, as Bob's wife is just as innocent in all of this so why do her interests not matter?

 

[dutchiedelta]

Very good point Raven. Indeed the mother is the one to blame in all this more than anyone.
Maybe the boy has started asking questions. maybe he has a heriditary disease.
Just no clue why she wants contact now.

It's utter inconvenient for Sally and no doubt she'll be unhappy with this kind of skeleton in the closet.
Only to me, still the child comes first.
Sally never would have seen this one coming but she's an adult. The kid isn't.

Makes me wonder more and more why the mother comes forward now.

 

[Friday]

.
Makes me wonder more and more why the mother comes forward now.

- Money or
- an abusive ex (or soon to be exHusband) she doesn't want to have custody
Are the most common ones.

Slightly less common is
- remarriage & wants to dump her old kid like garbage for the "new" family
- divorced & doesn't want a kid slowing her down or revealing her "age" while looking for a new one.

I mean, there are outliers (like she has cancer, or is being recalled to active duty/deployed, or is being sent to prison and doesn't want her kid in fostercare, or CPS is removing the kid from her care, or something) but those are the 4 most common around here.

3:4 you feel really bad for the kid.
Hell, most of the outliers you feel really bad for the kid.

Money is the most common one, but it's also really easy to avoid. You "just" sign away your parental rights. It's a pretty open/shut case... Since he thought there was an abortion & she's admitted she agreed to one and kept it from him (although without it signing away his parental rights, whether she files for back payments now or in 40 years, he's legally responsible for 18 years of child support if he doesn't sign away his rights). The other ones are hard, though. Because they all involve a child being abused or sent to foster are to be abused. I served with people who adopted other people's kids just to keep them from that, much less their own bio-kids.

I don't know how things are in other countries...but here in the States, military sex rules (including pregnancy) are totally different from Civvie sex rules (including pregnancy). Female Marines? The pregnancy is yours, and yours alone. It's polite to give the father -if you know who they are/ birth control fails- a heads up if you're keeping the baby, but there is no expectation of involvement**. Not unless you're married* Going after someone years later (unless you're dead, and it's a next of kin search) is out of f*cking order. It's simply not done. Civilian rules are a whole 'nother ball game. Civvie rules there is no responsibility placed on the mother. Guy has no say. You're not even under any kind of obligation to tell them. They're messy. Really, really messy.

* Even then, not always, if it's a convenience marriage (friends who want to be posted together or have better pay&housing).

** There's also the flipside where the woman offers to give birth to a baby she's not going to keep if the dad wants it. Most women in the marine corps don't do that. There's no maternity leave in the USMC -or there wasn't- You work until you go into labor, and are back working as soon as you're discharged from the hospital, and you suck it up. But I knew a lot of female sailors who would do that. Especially if they didn't want to be on ship, because pregnancy was a ticket home. Either way, as soon as the baby was born, they cut all ties. Either to dad or adoption).

 

[Raven]

My friend started the process of divorce a few months ago. She basically told her husband that she doesn't care what situation that kid might be in, he's not her family and she's not willing to share her husband with another family. One he got served with the papers, I think he realized she was serious about not wanting either of them involved in this, so he agreed to cut off contact with this other woman. No paternity test was done, he blocked her on Facebook before they got around to it. If she comes after him for money, he's agreed that he will terminate his parental rights.

I would have given my husband the same ultimatum. However, he would have reacted a lot differently to the initial news.