Relationship My Life Has Scared My Sufferer Away - Again...

[Toto2]

Hi, This is my first post.
My boyfriend who suffers from PTSD and I have been together for just over a year now. Initially after dating for a month, he got cold feet and couldn't continue, then gradually we got to know each other as just friends and before we knew it, we had fallen in love and were in a relationship.

We have so many similarities and so much in common, when the relationship works, it is wonderful. But during difficult times we can't seem to get it right. I am very understanding and patient, as is he. But over time, my trust in him has suffered and I haven't been as understanding as I know I could be.

I have been through some family problems this year which were traumatic for me at the time. During these, my boyfriend didn't want very much to do with me, because it triggered his PTSD. We managed to work things through, but it was hell for me, dealing with my situation and fear of losing him too. We have been ok since aside from the odd difficulty. But it has happened again, the other night, he was here staying the night and I received some bad news that day so I was feeling emotional... he had to leave because the situation was too much for him. Instead of being understanding of this, I got upset - crying on the phone to him asking why he does this (when I know why but I was being selfish). He told me that we were to talk another day as he needed sleep and space from me. He also said that we were over after I became angry in frustration. I felt crushed. There have been texts exchanged since, both of us apologising. I have kept them light and infrequent and he has responded in much the same way aside from telling me he has been feeling sick which I know happens when he has been stressed.

It has only been a day, but I miss him so much. I regret not being able to control my emotions when I know I can and I feel as though I have lost him again. He said he isn't equipped to be what I need in situations like this, but all I wanted was a hug. Unfortunately through my own fear of abandonment, this became exaggerated.

I have woken up this morning with a heavy heart again and feel that I shouldn't message him today, we both need the space.

I don't want him to be alone, he hasn't many friends nor a very supportive family around him whereas I do (thank god). I feel terrible right now for not being able to understand why he can't just be there for me when I know it is because he physically and mentally can't. How do I let him know that I understand and still want him in my life before I lose him altogether?

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense or sounds petty. I am just feeling so anxious.

 

[Ghostybear73]

A relationship is a two way street. You should be able to be comforted in your hard times as well. If you just being upset is a trigger for him, maybe going back to being just friends for a while may be what's best for both of you.

Eventually you not getting your needs met is going to cause resentment on your part and the relationship is bound to crash anyways.

I'm not saying wash your hands of him, just go back to being friends while he works through his trauma. Being friends seemed to work out before, so there is a good chance it will work out again.

You deserve it to be love, nurtured and understood as well. Hope this helps!

 

[nursenurse]

This seems to be more one sided, from your end. It is not selfish of you to need support, and PTSD does not give anyone a license to walk if the going gets tough in a truly reciprocal relationship.

The reason he is gone is that he is just not that into you, to use that old tired line,and he may be too much of an insensitive clod to tell you. What you have been seeing over the past year is what you may see for the rest of your lives together, if you keep running after him like a wounded puppy.

Leave him alone, get your own life on track. If you must have him in your life, let him come back to you, then establish some firm boundaries. He has your emotions on a hook, he lets them go, he reels them back in when it is convenient for him. It sounds like he is not ready for any relationship, he doesn't have the cajones to tell you. But he sure is showing you. And you are worth more than that.

 

[Toto2]

Thank you both for your replies.
Shortly after posting I received a message from him asking that we meet to talk.

He admitted that he was troubled by the thought of this scenario repeating itself and questioning if we are continuing because it is easier rather than looking at the bigger picture. He acknowledges that I deserve to be with a man that can support me and that he can't offer me that in the way that I need.

We have decided to allow each other more space, I told him that I need to prioritise myself for the time being.

I do agree that perhaps we need to go back to being friends, as difficult as that feels, I think that it's kinder to both myself and him whilst he works it through in therapy.

My family life is unfortunately quite complicated and we are both from different cultural backgrounds so there isn't that understanding that needs to be there.

My mind knows that I deserve support and nurturing, but my heart cares for this person a great deal. But I guess that it is all there in black and white, sadly, my intuition agrees with that.

 

[risingsun]

regret not being able to control my emotions when I know I can and I feel as though I have lost him again.

No regrets. You were just expressing your emotions as we all do. Relationships are about reciprocity, give and take. And sometimes you need support as well because you can't be the only one giving it. You are allowed to cry and release your emotions. You are human too. He needs to understand that a relationship is about relations between two people which means that sometimes he also needs to "relate" to another person and be able to listen and offer comfort.

You are deserving of that as we all are. I think that space from this situation will give you a new perspective. Best wishes to you. Rising Sun.

 

[Toto2]

Thank you Rising Sun. Your words ring true and I am doing my best to distance myself from him.

Things already feel different now that I have been told explicitly that he won't be able to support me. I don't have the energy to cry over it, I just hope that the feelings will subside naturally and neither of us feel too much pain whatever the outcome. He is a wonderful person, but just has a lot of growth to do. As do I.

Best wishes and thank you for your kind words

 

[blue_eyes18]

Sweetheart, I completely understand where you are coming from. You're beating yourself up for being human and having emotional needs. Don't. It will only drive you crazy. You most stop blaming yourself for having needs and getting upset at reasonable and justifiable causes. After all, he's allowed to have his emotions and get angry, so why aren't you?

My girlfriend was much the same way as your boyfriend and I can very, very much relate to you. More than you know. The reason that things get so blown up and exaggerated with him is because even small stresses manifest into huge ones and get blown up in the PTSD mind. At least this is how my gf had explained this to me. She said for her, minor anxieties felt crippling and overwhelming. Which I see in our relationship. Small, every day fights that were nothing felt like they were panic inducing to her and resulted in her running away and not knowing how to cope, and ultimately, to us breaking up all the time and getting back together. Which always hurt me incredibly badly. She wasn't able to cope with her stress properly, which meant we could never have a healthy, functional relationship, because her reactions to every day, small fights were extreme. We had to agree to separate until she can get a grip on her anxiety and know how not to let little stresses become extreme ones. This may take years, or it may take weeks. We don't know. I wanted to marry this woman. She wants to marry me. But we have to part ways until she can get a grasp on it and get it under control, or we will always hurt each other. Always. And we will never have a healthy relationship.

For a long time, I became like you. I would beat myself up for not responding differently and basically expecting myself to not have human emotions because it's what my gf needed. She needed me to be a robot. Because anything less stressed her out too much. I learned how to never have emotions or express my feelings because when I did, like you, I got punished. I got broken up with and made to feel like I did something wrong. This isn't healthy at all. You can't expect yourself not to have feelings and get upset. You can't hold it all in and just keep it all inside or you will implode. Or worse, explode outwardly. It's not good.

You're not wrong for how you felt and expressing it. Please get that out of your head. You have nothing to apologize for. Of course you wanted your boyfriend to be there for you. That's normal. And it hurt that he wasn't able to be. It's no ones fault. It's just the nature of PTSD. And it's so hard.

Keep your head up. It sounds like he's got some things he needs to work on if he isn't able to handle you expressing your feelings. It's not his fault either. It's just the circumstances. You have emotional needs; you express them; they feel overwhelming to him; he leaves; you express hurt over his leaving; he feels even more stress and snaps. It's the cycle. Mine was the exact same pattern. Until she finally realized it wouldn't change until SHE got healthier. I kept trying to mold myself, telling myself next time, I'd need less or hold my feelings in more. What good is that doing? He needs to learn how to get to a place he can accept others emotions and learn how to not run from them before you two can ever be healthy. Or the same problems will continue to manifest over and over. Believe me, I spent two years in this cycle. It won't stop until he's either healthier or you are completely destroyed.

 

[Toto2]

Blue_eyes18 thank you for your warm empathy and guidance. It really moves me to read posts like that.

It's so very difficult to keep my boundaries in place when I want to be understanding, supportive and not a stressor or trigger for him. But you are so right, I will likely implode.

We tried space this week which led to an argument and eventually him telling me that it's over because I was unhappy over something that he should have been open about with me but chose not to in order to avoid an argument. I was almost relieved, but the next morning I receive a phone call and he is upset. It goes round in circles.

I have been much better lately at bulking up my own life and am lucky to have the friendships that I have which enable me to continue life without too much disruption when this happens. I do feel like I need to stop trying so hard to understand and work harder at firming up my own boundaries, self esteem and what it is that I want from a relationship because all of that is a complete mess right now and I feel vulnerable and that does neither of us any good at all.

Really helps to read and receive other peoples experiences so thank you so much for sharing.

 

[blue_eyes18]

You're very welcome. I'm glad my response could help.

You said:
"It's so very difficult to keep my boundaries in place when I want to be understanding, supportive and not a stressor or trigger for him. But you are so right, I will likely implode."

What I've only VERY recently come to learn is that it doesn't have to be an either/or scenario. You don't have to either choose setting boundaries over being supportive. Or being supportive over setting boundaries. You can actually have both - being supportive while also setting boundaries. It's just figuring out how to do that that is the tricky part. When it comes to PTSD, stress is a huge issue. So knowing how to confront issues in your relationship is crucial. For me, if I start to feel upset by something, I know that it is imperative that I stay calm and ask her if this is an okay/good time (low anxiety) to discuss something with her. When it comes to discussing issues, timing is everything. If she just had a rough day at work, and her family is driving her crazy, and she has a test in the morning, I know that this will NOT be the right time to talk about another stressful event and will most likely cause her to be pushed beyond her limit. If you haven't read about the stress cup, I highly suggest googling it. It will help explain a lot. If she says no, it's not a good time for her, I respect that and leave it be and ask her to let me know when a good time will be. If she says yes, it's a good time (low anxiety), then I make sure to remain calm and express my feelings. But in a very gentle, non accusing manner. When she isn't stressed about other things, and I approach the subject in a calm manner, she will respond calmly back to me and we will work through it.

If I don't do this, and I just throw my emotions around and at her without thinking and just bombard her with them, she will become immediately stressed and then react based on that stress. And the outcome is always terrible. Lol. But I don't want you to get it in your head that it's impossible to set boundaries while simultaneously being supportive. It's not impossible. It just takes more effort on both peoples behalf. And both have to be willing to give that effort or it's a lost cause.

But it's definitely wonderful that you have such a good support group. I have come to realize just how detrimental that was for me. Hang on to them. They are crucial.

Before I learned how to communicate properly (still learning and have a long way to go) to my gf, I truly did feel like I was a ticking time bomb. I just knew that I was going to explode. And I found myself with such unhealthy habits, like holding it all in and feeling like I was going to burst. Then when it finally did come out, it was a flooding of emotions that just overwhelmed her and pushed her even further away and had the exact opposite effect of what I intended/needed. Being in a healthy PTSD relationship is a learning experience. Trial and error sometimes. And like I said, both people must be dedicated to taking that journey together. It will get hard. That's a fact. But you push through it and only get stronger together in the end if you can make it.

If you do want this relationship to work, make sure you do listen to your emotions and express them. And do not be hard on yourself for having them. You're going to have feelings! Hurt, sad, angry, etc. They're normal human emotions and people in relationships get them all the time. You both just have to be prepared how to work through them together. Rather than feeling wrong and beating yourself up for having them. Do not ever beat yourself up for feeling how you feel.

Whatever you both decide to do, I wish you the best. :)

 

[blue_eyes18]

I don't know exactly what his trauma was, but if it was family related, perhaps talking about family is a direct trigger for him and way more than he can handle. Or if not, it obviously is a stressor he can't seem to deal with. At least not at this time. I know it's confusing - believe me, been there and done that! To us non PTSD sufferers, it's extremely difficult to understand. We think "well, I'm there for him! Why can't he just be there for me!?" But we can't think that way. Because we are then only looking at it from the way WE understand it. Not from the way THEY understand it. And we are factoring out a huge factor of the equation - PTSD. Lol. To him, I'm sure he wants nothing more than to be able to be there for you and comfort you. And the fact that he can't probably already makes him feel awful. So to also then hear how much it upsets you makes him feel even worse on top of how bad he probably already feels. Make any sense? But to you, you just want your boyfriend to be there. Neither of you are wrong at all. Trust me, I've battled with this sooooo many times. I train my brain to understand her perspective but sometimes, I get caught up in the moment and default back to "well why can't she just respond this particular way??" Because she has PTSD and it's not her fault. That's why. And that helps me.

If you find that his inability to be there for you during certain times is a deal breaker for you, and you need a partner that can offer you that, then that's okay. It's more than okay and you are not wrong for feeling that way. But if it's not a deal breaker, try using that amazing support system you have and fall back on them during certain stressful times rather than on your boyfriend.

Like I said, this is all a learning experience and I am still along for the ride. But the one thing I really intended to place into your head is that you are not wrong for your feelings. You are never wrong for that. Remember that.