My Ptsd Affects Him So Much.

[sweetcandy]

My trauma comes from an abusive past boyfriend and my father. I'm a little frightened to write this online, I'm feeling quite anxious writing this.

When I was a child I was beaten severely by my father. It lasted all my life. I was also beaten severely by a past boyfriend. I passed out from being beaten at least three times. I was in hospital a few times. I've also been sexually abused and verbally abused. I think I remember being held at knife point at one stage. The biggest thing that has come from this is my extreme distrust of other people, though deep down I know I should trust some people a little bit more.

Anyway, one friend in particular knows quite a bit about me and knows I suffer from PTSD due to all the abuse I've suffered most of my life. He's researched the symptoms online but I don't think he understands how much it affects my day to day life and my relationships with other people. I don't want to continue to remind him of all the trauma I have gone through. When I am triggered, I feel really selfish. He has tried to help me a lot but it impacts his wellbeing. He means well but my PTSD affects him really bad, it stresses him out when I'm triggered. A lot of the time it is him that triggers me and he doesn't even know it. (He is not an abusive man, he is so supportive of me). He practically does nothing to me and I will get really defensive. A lot of the time I overreact because I'm scared, its the first healthy relationship I've had with a man where I've never been beaten. He has never done anything to hurt me, ever. I've pushed him away because Im scared. He cant cope and I care about him so much that I can't bear to see him stressed out coz of my PTSD. I feel like I am making progress in my recovery because he is in my life but I don't want this to affect him. How do I make it easier for him? How do I trust him more? I'm very clingy to him which affects him so much and I don't know why. I'm so confused.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm guessing based off what little I read in this post that you are NOT in therapy?
You NEED to be. You're right, you friend/boyfriend can't continue to be your main source of support. It IS hard on him. Now before you start beating yourself up, he IS an adult and needs to take care of himself first. Might recommend that he take a look at the supporter section of this site.

Going to therapy will actually allow you to work through those battles you listed so that you get LESS triggered by these things and help you figure out how to deal with those triggers on your own.

 

[sweetcandy]

Thank you for your reply. I forgot to mention that I am in therapy. It has helped a lot to recognise my triggers.

 

[Tinyflame]

@sweetcandy I am so sorry for what you've been through. :(

I take you at your word of your friend's good character, but please be careful you are not missing signs that repeat the history you know, just out of familiarity. No one shows the signs at the start.

Welcome to you. :hug:

 

[Powder]

It could be that he is triggered by you, not your PTSD, because of his own trauma that maybe he's amnesic about.

My sister-in-law once told me that every guy she ever dated ended up telling her that he had been sexually abused as a child. She thought this was odd, statistically at 100%, and I think she had maybe 5 or 6 crushes/dates/boyfriends in her history. She thought it was significant.

I would hazard a guess that in her case it is. She was held up at gunpoint and is very triggered by any kind of gun. She had a string of abusive, alcoholic stepdads. She has signs of C-PTSD, but I don't know because she has not shared or sought a PDoc, just marriage counseling.

Traumatized people attract others who have similar vibes due to different or similar trauma reactions. I notice that usually the trauma itself is different and the level of reaction is different, but the common ground is often a sensitivity to this as a life experience to heal.

Often we want to heal our wounds in the context of a relationship. That can be a good or bad thing depending on the level of recovery of both members and willingness to change for the better of the relationship and the self, and the other person.

Long post to say that HE should also be receiving a diagnosis and appropriate treatment or recovery for his stuff. Sometimes it takes ten years or more of trying before trauma is ready to surface and heal. It's good to have more than one supporter. Trust. Don't expect to feel that right away.

It took me 10 years to trust my husband, really. I tried, but I couldn't feel it until then. Now it is mostly there. When very triggered, it evaporates for a period of hours, and then returns. It is hard on both of us when this kind of flashback occurs. It takes a lot of learning and working on oneself to get through this together. And yes, it will have an effect on him. There is a price to pay to be with someone with PTSD, and he needs to be clear on that. I believe that is a choice someone has the right to make.

My friend's husband has PTSD and OCD and now Epilepsy has been added. She knew about the OCD and PTSD, but not much about what that is REALLY like to live with. Now they have two kids, he has major seizures and can't drive. There are no guarantees in love. She will stick with him through it all and loves him, and he her. Love wouldn't be what it is if it didn't withstand life's greatest challenges. But yes, there is a toll taken on them, too.