Hey everyone,
It will be another vent thread I'm afraid. I got triggered today at my internship.
I decided I wanted to go to med school because I have this deep inner need to help other people. Especially when life is at it's worst, I want to be there and help them through. I got through the first two years of med school without much problems. Then, in the third year, the trauma happened. My grades plunged. I locked myself inside, gaming at least 10 hours a day. It happened again. I don't know how I got through the third and fourth year, but when I see the grades that I got, I'm ashamed.
I'm in the fourth week of my Psychiatry internship, I have one more week to go. Today I found out that one of the patients under my care, had been abused and neglected, she opened up. I like the lady a lot, somehow I felt some kind of connection. After I found out, I started dissociating, I couldn't feel my body anymore. Tried rubbing my hands, scratching my skin, all nothing. I'm still kind of stuck in that state. I read up on EMDR, which I'll start in a few weeks. It said you had to think of your most painful memory. I started to have flashbacks at that point. I tried to write something in my diary, but it was hard to focus.
I feel horrible inside, like I'm dying in excruciating pain. I can't cry, I don't know why, I know I need to, I can feel I'm full of emotions but they won't come out.
I can't deal with this. If I get to round two, and things become as bad as they were a couple of months ago, I don't know what will happen and that really, really scares me. I'm afraid this time I won't be string enough to stop the plans or self-hurting. I feel sad because the past two weeks I've been doing quite good actually.
I feel like the most horrible person in the entire world. Thoughts like how I don't deserve a life, don't deserve to be happy, I need to be in pain. I brought it all onto myself. I'm doomed. It's hard to stop once my brain starts thinking these things. If I see how I was a couple of months ago, and compare that with the state people are in when they get admitted to the ward..... I was well beyond the threshold to get admitted. I don't want to get to that point ever again.... ever.
I have a caged monster inside me and it's tearing me apart from within
Chewing on my brains, making scratches on my skin
It wants to run outside, how do I keep it in
The little sanity I have left, it really needs to win
It will be another vent thread I'm afraid. I got triggered today at my internship.
I decided I wanted to go to med school because I have this deep inner need to help other people. Especially when life is at it's worst, I want to be there and help them through. I got through the first two years of med school without much problems. Then, in the third year, the trauma happened. My grades plunged. I locked myself inside, gaming at least 10 hours a day. It happened again. I don't know how I got through the third and fourth year, but when I see the grades that I got, I'm ashamed.
I'm in the fourth week of my Psychiatry internship, I have one more week to go. Today I found out that one of the patients under my care, had been abused and neglected, she opened up. I like the lady a lot, somehow I felt some kind of connection. After I found out, I started dissociating, I couldn't feel my body anymore. Tried rubbing my hands, scratching my skin, all nothing. I'm still kind of stuck in that state. I read up on EMDR, which I'll start in a few weeks. It said you had to think of your most painful memory. I started to have flashbacks at that point. I tried to write something in my diary, but it was hard to focus.
I feel horrible inside, like I'm dying in excruciating pain. I can't cry, I don't know why, I know I need to, I can feel I'm full of emotions but they won't come out.
I can't deal with this. If I get to round two, and things become as bad as they were a couple of months ago, I don't know what will happen and that really, really scares me. I'm afraid this time I won't be string enough to stop the plans or self-hurting. I feel sad because the past two weeks I've been doing quite good actually.
I feel like the most horrible person in the entire world. Thoughts like how I don't deserve a life, don't deserve to be happy, I need to be in pain. I brought it all onto myself. I'm doomed. It's hard to stop once my brain starts thinking these things. If I see how I was a couple of months ago, and compare that with the state people are in when they get admitted to the ward..... I was well beyond the threshold to get admitted. I don't want to get to that point ever again.... ever.
I have a caged monster inside me and it's tearing me apart from within
Chewing on my brains, making scratches on my skin
It wants to run outside, how do I keep it in
The little sanity I have left, it really needs to win
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