My Sister Masturbates In Our Shared Bed

[cherryblossom]

@Philippa, thanks for taking the time to re-read. I now see where you got your interpretation from. I can assure you that I definitely did not mean my comment to be interpreted that way. Perhaps I should have been clearer with my words. I don't think it's perfectly normal for her sister to be masturbating next to her. Far from it. Nor do I think it's her issue. I certainly don't see having less inhibitions as a good thing, I'm sorry if that is how it came across, it's certainly not what I meant.

I'm more than happy to clarify / answer any queries about anything I have said - just please ask me directly, rather than using the guise 'moderator'. I give my opinion as a member, as a person, not as a moderator. We are all individuals, and give our opinions as individuals. Administrative matters are different, we all follow the same set of rules. But my opinion is mine alone, and will be just as likely to be right or wrong as the next person. I have no problem with you or anyone else calling me out on an opinion I have given - it's easily sorted with a little discussion as hopefully you can see. But it is wrong to 'lump' all moderators together when actually your issue was with my post.

 

[anthony]

I'm a little disturbed that moderators here are telling this person that she is somehow inhibited sexually because she doesn't like her sister masturbating next to her! What the hell is that about? Her sister is being inappropriate. What about that is not obvious?

No staff said any such thing as you claimed. Please re-read and cite the exact wording, instead of your interpretation. What was said is:

For whatever reason, she has no qualms about masturbating in front of you. Masturbation is a normal part of life, particularly as a teenager, learning about your own body, and the responses that occur. It's nothing to be ashamed of. She obviously feels comfortable doing that in front of you. If you aren't happy with that situation, then you need to change that. If talking to her doesn't work, then move to your own bed. It doesn't have to be a big deal. You are at an age where you both need your own space. You are both individuals, and she clearly has less inhibitions than you, which is why you need your own space to grow as individuals.

It simply states her sister has less inhibitions about her acts, her body, and her masturbating, than what she does. Masturbating is not a traumatic event, nor is it abuse. There is a difference between a sibling masturbating in the privacy of their own bed versus a flasher or such pervert doing such acts as a stranger. Teenage years, this is normal, sorry to say.

When I was in the military and we would go away for long periods, we all masturbated and nobody really cared if someone walked around the corner and caught them, because its a matter of f*cking off and go elsewhere whilst the person relieves them-self from sexual tension.

 

[Philippa]

I guess it is hard to seperate you from your position as moderator, and because moderators hold a certain amount of power on forums I can see the potential for wrong thinking, or accusations (I realize there were none in this case, but as I originally read it), to hold influence on anyone on the receiving end...especially a young person so easily open to suggestion.

I'm really sorry that I jumped to this conclusion cherryblossom. I did not mean to hurt you if I did. My heart was in the right place, even if I was wrong in my assessment.

 

[Philippa]

I've already addressed the mistake with cherryblossom anthony.

I never said that what her sister did was abuse, in fact I was the one saying people are jumping to the abuse conclusion too much lately. I said it was inappropriate of the sister and thought cherryblossom was minimizing elsas experience of feeling disturbed by that. Maybe read my words again.

Her sister is not masturbating in the privacy of her own bed...she is masturbating in the bed she is sharing with her younger sister and pretending her sister isn't even there and that it doesn't matter if it makes her uncomfortable. That is not normal. Masturbation is normal...masturbation right next to your sister is not.

 

[Pencil]

Teenage years, this is normal, sorry to say.

Here I disagree vehemently. Boys / men jacking off in front of each other / with each other/in groups is the norm. Heard about the boy who took part in a jacking off competition? He came second, fourth and seventeenth. Among women it is NOT.

I wouldn't regard Elsa's sister's behaviour as abuse per se, but it would spook the HELL out of me. What Elsa seems to be trying to say is that her sister has been the only person in her corner - but the corner has now become an uncomfortable, as well as incomprehensible place. For a 15 yo, this is a scary and lonely place to be in. I see the sister's behaviour as a sign of gross disrespect for Elsa's being, never mind her boundaries and expressed needs. The issue is not whether there is another bed for Elsa to go to or not, or whether Elsa needs assertiveness training or not. The issue is that she is losing / has lost the only person she has ever trusted - in a rather repulsive manner. The sister is not merely okay with her own sexuality - there is something off about her behaviour.

Elsa, I don't blame you for feeling let down, confused, lonely, etc.

 

[Philippa]

If she were just quietly playing with herself and it was unnoticeable to anyone then it would be within the realm of perverse, but harmless.

The fact that she masturbates for over an hour every single night, and the bed is shaking, while elsa is on it, and turns and checks to see if she is being noticed then pretends it never happened or shrugs it off...that is definitely off. She isn't caring at all how this is affecting her sister, who had previously been her best friend. I agree with pencil.

And yeah, girls don't get together and masturbate the way guys seem to do. I've noticed men tend to assume that women do these things because they find them normal...we don't.

 

[ill]

@anthony, if I'm understanding what you wrote correctly, these men were attempting to masturbate in relative privacy ("around the corner"). If I am reading and understanding you correctly, that's a rather different beast than this one. First, they're men. Second, in the army. Third, they're still attempting a veneer of privacy. Fourth, I bet if one man started sidling up to another in his bed and attempted to masturbate beside him, it would either be considered a really funny joke the first time and/or a fight would ensue. Fifth, they're also adults.

How are we defining abuse? I've searched both this and sister site My Sexual Abuse for an official, working definition of (sexual) abuse but haven't found one. It's entirely possible that I overlooked it so if anyone does know and could direct me to one, that would be awesome.

In Canada, a counselor would have to report this to Children's Aid, regardless of whether Elsa had said anything to her sister at all. This would be why: http://www.children.gov.on.ca/htdocs/English/topics/childrensaid/reportingabuse/index.aspx

Some definitions of non-contact sexual abuse:
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/definitions.html
Dendrite
http://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/find-legal-answers/sex-and-law/sexual-assault
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/sexual-abuse-or-rape-topic-overview

 

[ill]

There is a difference between a sibling masturbating in the privacy of their own bed versus a flasher or such pervert doing such acts as a stranger. Teenage years, this is normal, sorry to say.

What is the difference when both involve unwanted exposure to a sexual act? "Teenage years" isn't an excuse to ignore other people's boundaries and if it is normal to ignore consent or lack thereof, then it really shouldn't be.

 

[Pencil]

I agree with ill.

And I keep wondering what the reaction would have been if 'sister' was 'brother' or 'father'. Total outcry, I suspect.

 

[Barconian]

If both girls were comfortable with the situation and were happy for each other to do their thing! Then fair enough. But they aren't and it is abuse in the nature of not showing any respect for Elsa on her sisters part and the mother brushing it off. And why is there such a strong need for the sister to sleep in Elsa's bed for such a long period of time, when the sister has her own room and her own bed, even if there are no sheets and blankets... The sister could make her own bed!

It is blatantly obvious that there is an emotional problem in that house, for 2 little girls to need to cling to each other in such away, which can become a life long trauma for Elsa.

If someone did that to me, which they have! And didn't stop. I would have thrown her sorry arse out on the street for not respecting my needs!!! Because I was disgusted in the behaviour of my partner at the time and I felt violated, for having to lie there putting up with her behaviour, whilst I was trying to sleep... She never did it again and all was good in my case. Not in Elsa's case, she had to put up with it and couldn't stop the problem, even by taking it up with her lazy minded mother who just shrugged it off, like many parents that have shrugged off their kids needs in this forum alone. Why are there so many of us with PTSD... Other people forcing their bad behaviour on towards us and getting away with it.

 

[anthony]

Among women it is NOT.

According to who? Have you gone and watched what teen girls are doing today? They're worse than what boys used to do, and now both boys and girls are equally sexually active and promiscuous. There is no discrimination between the sexes today in relation to masturbation, exploration, so forth. The Internet has broken down all those boundaries, and thus we hear of teen girls masturbating in their bedroom, even if their sister is present.

You can't say it's ok for boys, but not for girls. This is 2014... not 1970. All these boundaries are gone between the sexes in relation to... sex.

 

[Pencil]

and thus we hear of teen girls masturbating in their bedroom, even if their sister is present.

Okay, then we must just inform Elsa that she is being old fashioned and unnecessarily prissy. I stand corrected.