Healingthehollow
Bronze Member
Hi everyone,
I joined this site because since withdrawing from my anti depressants my emotions around my past abuse have become much more ... real.
I've been living behind a barrier when on the medication- for 12 years now and coming off it is hard because my ptsd is through the roof, but at the same time I feel like I'm actually dealing with it for real this time.
My story is that I was sexually abused by my father ever since I can remember until about 14 or 15 ( obviously due to trauma for so long I don't have clear memories of exact ages) when my dad died when I was 16 I fell apart and got heavily into drugs and alcohol and during those self destructive years I was raped on three different occasions by supposed 'friends'.
I dealt with it by pretending it didn't really effect me. That I'd accepted that that was the way life was for me, but I guess now that I'm not as chemically numb anymore I'm actually feeling it for real now.
I lost my oldest sister to suicide when I was 11 because of what my father did to her as well.
I'm lucky that he is no longer in my life because I seriously couldn't breathe in a world that he shared the same air as me.
Of course the other 3 guys still lurk out there somewhere but they were not even a fifth as painful as the betrayal of my own dad using me.
Some days I feel so dirty I feel like everyone can SEE it about me, that they know the truth about me... about what I was made to do, what I had done to me. I feel so alone and I miss my sister desperately.
I know I'll be okay it just burns me so deep some days that I cant function and I just want to scream at everyone around me to make it alright. But I know its up to me to make it alright
Anyway, that's me.
Thank you for listening and I hope this finds you well.
xo
I joined this site because since withdrawing from my anti depressants my emotions around my past abuse have become much more ... real.
I've been living behind a barrier when on the medication- for 12 years now and coming off it is hard because my ptsd is through the roof, but at the same time I feel like I'm actually dealing with it for real this time.
My story is that I was sexually abused by my father ever since I can remember until about 14 or 15 ( obviously due to trauma for so long I don't have clear memories of exact ages) when my dad died when I was 16 I fell apart and got heavily into drugs and alcohol and during those self destructive years I was raped on three different occasions by supposed 'friends'.
I dealt with it by pretending it didn't really effect me. That I'd accepted that that was the way life was for me, but I guess now that I'm not as chemically numb anymore I'm actually feeling it for real now.
I lost my oldest sister to suicide when I was 11 because of what my father did to her as well.
I'm lucky that he is no longer in my life because I seriously couldn't breathe in a world that he shared the same air as me.
Of course the other 3 guys still lurk out there somewhere but they were not even a fifth as painful as the betrayal of my own dad using me.
Some days I feel so dirty I feel like everyone can SEE it about me, that they know the truth about me... about what I was made to do, what I had done to me. I feel so alone and I miss my sister desperately.
I know I'll be okay it just burns me so deep some days that I cant function and I just want to scream at everyone around me to make it alright. But I know its up to me to make it alright
Anyway, that's me.
Thank you for listening and I hope this finds you well.
xo
