...Ok, I am not sure what this will feel like, but I will try to write it down, because I can not say it loudly. But I can not even write this as myself, only as her, because it´s not my memory, it´s hers. And in this language, which is not mine, because otherwise I wouldn´t be able to let anyone read it. I am sorry it is so long... But maybe letting it go will somehow make it less scary...
She was really very little, maybe three years old. That kind of child that hardly speaks. But there were no words for this - something. There are some nice, pleasent memories, she was playing outside at the sandpit, making cakes from sand. He was looking at her, smiling, they were talking together, he borrowed her a cigarette - of course, it was not lit on, but she pretended it is, and he was looking at her, smiling - she believed he loved her, too. But then - there is this memory - it doesn´t fit - probably more memories similar to each other, not much, but is still enough, even one single memory would have been enough. He told her to come with her. There were no other people in the house, he made sure no one will see him. He told her to go to his room.
***Trigger***
The door closed. Why is the door closed? They are both standing. And here it comes, she already knows. His voice, filled with something like desire (horrible to hear this tincture in somebody´s voice, even now). "Show me... show me your little but..." She doesn´t know why, but it´s not the first time, she knows it already and anyway, in this age, it´s not such a strange request from a family member, her mummy told her the same thing while she was still wearing nappy, it´s not so long ago... But why does it feel so wierd? Why is he looking at her in that way? But you know him, it´s your uncle, he is kind to you, don´t be silly, be a nice girl, listen to him... But there is something in his eyes, she didn´t like the way he was looking at her (and she can´t stand that look, even now, from a man who is attracted to the grown-up body, which isn´t hers...). But you must be a good girl, just do as he says...
She took of her trousers, and his hand is on her skin, a big hand - but now, that´s not the way mummy used to look at her nappies - it´s strange - and he doesn´t even notice how scared she was. She doesn´t like it. But she keeps smiling, that smile is still frozen on her lips. The movements of this big hand are harder, he squeezes her - and no, she doesn´t like it, why doesn´t he see, why doesn´t he notice her - his eyes are closed, he doesn´t see her and she is so scared and all alone.
He undos his own trousers, but only a little bit. A piece of clothing with stripes. And something comes out. It´s large, pink and brown. (Today, seeing a man naked is the most horrible thing in the world, not even mentioning the idea of touching him...) It looks like something interesting, she didn´t see such a thing before, she´s a little bit curious. He takes her hands and makes her touch the thing. It is even bigger now. She feels the texture and softness of the skin. The skin moves slowly here and there, as he shows her what to do. She tries to do the same, as it pleases him and she is a good girl. But then he makes strange noises and she wants to stop. But she can´t. He holds her hand. "Move it that way." Then it´s his hand, again, on her body. She stops making these strange moves. He doesn´t like it. He wants her to continue. She is scared, but she doesn´t cry, she doesn´t scream, she doesn´t even move. His eyes are closed and he makes this strange noises and she is all alone and frozen and he doesn´t notice, he doesn´t care.
***Trigger ends***
Then there is something missing. She doesn´t remember coming back from this room, she doesn´t remember how did she feel after that... It´s like she stayed always in there, trapped in this memory, frozen in fear, without a voice to speak... She never grew up, as the rest did during the next eighteen years. And she kept all the blame, because she didn´t scream, she didn´t run, she didn´t try to fight... But she had no chance, as he did not care. He did not notice she was here. And he left her that way, forbiding to speak, to tell her mummy... she felt so alone as if there were no words for such loneliness in any language...
And she kept all the blame, because for the rest of her family he was a nice old man, a poor thing who lost the ability to move one arm during an accident many years ago... Sometimes she felt sorry he didn´t die instead and hated herself for thinking so. But it had to be her fault, they all liked him, they all could look at him, only she couldn´t stand his face, his voice, his smell... He didn´t hurt anyone, except her - why only her? What did she do wrong? Did she do something to seduce him to do such things to her? Why? Why? Why? Why? Was it a punnishment or something? She always tried to be a good girl... But she kept blaming herself to survive all these years, seeing him, dying inside any time he spoke...
...I´m sorry, maybe this is a stupid question to ask, but - I think I will have to speak this out loudly? The part highlighted as trigger... Because I can´t imagine doing that. Maybe to a friend of mine, he knows almost everything, but not these details... I don´t want anyone to know, I feel so ashamed for this, for not running away... But these flashes of touching and feelings keep coming back... will it get better if I tell somebody in real life? But it just feels so horribly... Too horribly to be spoken, I don´t want him to hear these words from me, I am still scared he will stop loving me because of this, it feels like that it was my fault, because I didn´t mind at first, I didn´t try to fight, I was just frozen with this stupid smile on my lips, frozen, not moving, just a puppet... And I wouldn´t stand losing him... She wouldn´t - She loves him more than anything else... But I don´t want to bother him.
But she wants somebody to know, she needs somebody to listen how exactly she felt, because now - like for the first time in forever - she maybe has words for this - something - and she can´t stand this loneliness anymore.... But she is afraid she would lose him... What should I do? Can you tell me, please - is it neccessary to describe the memory to someone??? He is the only one I would (maybe) be able to tell... But it just feels so - horribly selfish to ask this from him, since I already asked for so much... And I am scared... But I also know I am not that selfish as I think I am, I am sorry, this must be confusing... But still... I feel lost... Should I tell??? Thank you for reading this... And thank you for your answers...
I apologize for such a long post...
She was really very little, maybe three years old. That kind of child that hardly speaks. But there were no words for this - something. There are some nice, pleasent memories, she was playing outside at the sandpit, making cakes from sand. He was looking at her, smiling, they were talking together, he borrowed her a cigarette - of course, it was not lit on, but she pretended it is, and he was looking at her, smiling - she believed he loved her, too. But then - there is this memory - it doesn´t fit - probably more memories similar to each other, not much, but is still enough, even one single memory would have been enough. He told her to come with her. There were no other people in the house, he made sure no one will see him. He told her to go to his room.
***Trigger***
The door closed. Why is the door closed? They are both standing. And here it comes, she already knows. His voice, filled with something like desire (horrible to hear this tincture in somebody´s voice, even now). "Show me... show me your little but..." She doesn´t know why, but it´s not the first time, she knows it already and anyway, in this age, it´s not such a strange request from a family member, her mummy told her the same thing while she was still wearing nappy, it´s not so long ago... But why does it feel so wierd? Why is he looking at her in that way? But you know him, it´s your uncle, he is kind to you, don´t be silly, be a nice girl, listen to him... But there is something in his eyes, she didn´t like the way he was looking at her (and she can´t stand that look, even now, from a man who is attracted to the grown-up body, which isn´t hers...). But you must be a good girl, just do as he says...
She took of her trousers, and his hand is on her skin, a big hand - but now, that´s not the way mummy used to look at her nappies - it´s strange - and he doesn´t even notice how scared she was. She doesn´t like it. But she keeps smiling, that smile is still frozen on her lips. The movements of this big hand are harder, he squeezes her - and no, she doesn´t like it, why doesn´t he see, why doesn´t he notice her - his eyes are closed, he doesn´t see her and she is so scared and all alone.
He undos his own trousers, but only a little bit. A piece of clothing with stripes. And something comes out. It´s large, pink and brown. (Today, seeing a man naked is the most horrible thing in the world, not even mentioning the idea of touching him...) It looks like something interesting, she didn´t see such a thing before, she´s a little bit curious. He takes her hands and makes her touch the thing. It is even bigger now. She feels the texture and softness of the skin. The skin moves slowly here and there, as he shows her what to do. She tries to do the same, as it pleases him and she is a good girl. But then he makes strange noises and she wants to stop. But she can´t. He holds her hand. "Move it that way." Then it´s his hand, again, on her body. She stops making these strange moves. He doesn´t like it. He wants her to continue. She is scared, but she doesn´t cry, she doesn´t scream, she doesn´t even move. His eyes are closed and he makes this strange noises and she is all alone and frozen and he doesn´t notice, he doesn´t care.
***Trigger ends***
Then there is something missing. She doesn´t remember coming back from this room, she doesn´t remember how did she feel after that... It´s like she stayed always in there, trapped in this memory, frozen in fear, without a voice to speak... She never grew up, as the rest did during the next eighteen years. And she kept all the blame, because she didn´t scream, she didn´t run, she didn´t try to fight... But she had no chance, as he did not care. He did not notice she was here. And he left her that way, forbiding to speak, to tell her mummy... she felt so alone as if there were no words for such loneliness in any language...
And she kept all the blame, because for the rest of her family he was a nice old man, a poor thing who lost the ability to move one arm during an accident many years ago... Sometimes she felt sorry he didn´t die instead and hated herself for thinking so. But it had to be her fault, they all liked him, they all could look at him, only she couldn´t stand his face, his voice, his smell... He didn´t hurt anyone, except her - why only her? What did she do wrong? Did she do something to seduce him to do such things to her? Why? Why? Why? Why? Was it a punnishment or something? She always tried to be a good girl... But she kept blaming herself to survive all these years, seeing him, dying inside any time he spoke...
...I´m sorry, maybe this is a stupid question to ask, but - I think I will have to speak this out loudly? The part highlighted as trigger... Because I can´t imagine doing that. Maybe to a friend of mine, he knows almost everything, but not these details... I don´t want anyone to know, I feel so ashamed for this, for not running away... But these flashes of touching and feelings keep coming back... will it get better if I tell somebody in real life? But it just feels so horribly... Too horribly to be spoken, I don´t want him to hear these words from me, I am still scared he will stop loving me because of this, it feels like that it was my fault, because I didn´t mind at first, I didn´t try to fight, I was just frozen with this stupid smile on my lips, frozen, not moving, just a puppet... And I wouldn´t stand losing him... She wouldn´t - She loves him more than anything else... But I don´t want to bother him.
But she wants somebody to know, she needs somebody to listen how exactly she felt, because now - like for the first time in forever - she maybe has words for this - something - and she can´t stand this loneliness anymore.... But she is afraid she would lose him... What should I do? Can you tell me, please - is it neccessary to describe the memory to someone??? He is the only one I would (maybe) be able to tell... But it just feels so - horribly selfish to ask this from him, since I already asked for so much... And I am scared... But I also know I am not that selfish as I think I am, I am sorry, this must be confusing... But still... I feel lost... Should I tell??? Thank you for reading this... And thank you for your answers...
I apologize for such a long post...
