Need Honest Opinion About Brother

[PlainJane]

Not making a decision about it just yet. I need different perspectives and honest thoughts and opinions. Currently I'm looking to gain permanent custody of my little brother. I've only just begun my own "healing," now I have a ten year old boy that is having serious issues.

-He has a physical condition he was born with.
-He not actually my brother, no blood relation (I've never had any experience with adoption attachment issues, but I know it effects some greatly)
-He's "threatened" something to the effect of; "take the matches away before I go crazy and burn the house down."
-mentioned several times his want to not be alive or to be dead.
-has severe lying problems without regard to consequences
-when talking about his actions he doesn't care who he hurts. He is resolved as to that.

Just giving you a general picture

He's been through trauma, to what extent is not known. So far he's intent that there wasn't any physical or sexual abuse. But we all know that could come out later. He zones out doesn't listen. He is a good boy with great potential. He is sweet. Despite all of these things he somehow has no problem loving himself. He loves the way he looks. He thinks he's the smartest person in the whole world.
I love him, I really do. I am exceptionally worried though that I can't care for him properly. The best that I can do may not be good enough. He sees a therapist three times a week. She is also concerned.

What are some ideas other than giving him up that I can try?

What kind of damage will I be inflicting on him if I give him up?

Here's the selfish part. I am so worried about failing him. "Oh I'm sorry [little brother] I can not take care of myself, let alone you and your mental issues. In fact, i can't even make it through this sentence without thinking about suicide myself. So what I'm going to do is send you with this woman here who couldn't care less about you, where you'll probably endure more trauma. All while I'll tell myself 'I done the best I could.' Sorry dear." Cop out. Obviously, I wouldn't be saying that. But it's how I feel. I'm just so stuck and overwhelmed with him and my grandparents.

Again I haven't come close to a decision, but I need more ideas and perspectives.

Thanks for reading and if you can follow where I'm going with this, I'd really appreciate your response. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. Right now I need cold, hard truth.

 

[The Albatross]

Know how hard that was for you to write Jane. Have to reflect some before I reply.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Jane, I have no solution, just lots of hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

I guess I'd assess if you have the financial ability to take on the role, if you can get or receive benefits of any kind to get him into therapy and keep up his medical expenses... the nuts and bolts of this thing is sadly often, "can I accomplish what I set out to do for this child including the financial obligations?"

Intervening and potentially failing himself or yourself... what would that look like? What would the consequences be?

That's all I got right now... will think some more and see what pops.

 

[intothelight]

Jane,

So many questions pop into my head, but only know the details you provided, I would only suggest the following before making a final decision.....

1. With regard to physical disabilities, is he able to take care of basic care independently (dress, shower, etc.) and will they keep him form living independently as an adult? What type of resources are provided to address these and any other issues in this regard? Would you still have access to those resources?

2. Is he adopted? Was he adopted by your parents or your grandparents? Who has his history and will you be allowed to have his full history so you will know what has impacted him in the past and also the notes from his current psychologist/therapist? Are you able to sit down and talk in depth with them about his current issues, treatment plan and diagnostic prognosis? Knowledge is critical.

3. Is there a specific type of environment that he needs to thrive in? Are you capable of providing that environment mentally and emotionally?

4. Will you be receiving support services for yourself and will the services he is currently receiving be continued without interruption or change?

5. What is your support system like? Are there people who are willing to step in and give you a break or to fill in and help when you are ill?

My questions are not literal, but are just things for you to take into consideration as you work to make this decision. I don't know if you are married and have children of your own, but that adds other layers to the decision process as taking a child into your home affects everyone in the home.

It is a tough decision and I do not envy your position. One thing is to anticipate the problems and to see what can be set up of offset them, continue addressing issues, but there is also the other piece that loving a child and having in them in your life is a usually much more good than bad. It is living each day and enjoying the little moments that really make up life. Most importantly, be honest with yourself and do what you know is right for you. Because if it is right for you it will be right for him. There is no shame in not being able to take on such a big responsibility, but that doesn't mean that you have to be out of his life.

 

[PlainJane]

My mother had had him since he was born. She shouldn't have had her own children let alone taking in another. It's not really an adoption, she was given custody. It's super complicated how that happened.

His disability has to do with the production of hormones. Which causes a big effect both mentally and physically. But the physical part doesn't stop him from being capable of basic cares. Insurance takes care of his medicine and stuff. I'm not so much worried about the financial aspect, not because I have the money, but because I can make that work. I will make that work.

I am just really worried about his mental and emotional needs. I really don't know how to fill. We have been working with this therapist for a while and she's concerned too that we haven't made more progress with him. "We" being her and me.

I put my grandparents in the mix because I try to help them out as well.

Unfortunately, if I give up my rights he won't be a part of my life. He'll be put in the system. That's what kills me. I don't want him there. I don't want anyone there. They won't allow contact. @intothelight if you have questions, ask away.

 

[shimmerz]

My heart just aches for you and your brother both, Jane. This is such a difficult position to be in. Has anybody asked your brother what his thoughts are on this idea? Is he privy to the plan?

@Jane1991 , I wonder if @Lionheart777 could perhaps help you with a longer term perspective of should'a, would'a, could'a's? He may not be able to speak to it, as he recently posted about a similar issue with his brother, so please forgive me Lion if I am calling you into something that I shouldn't be.

 

[PlainJane]

Yes, I try to be as honest as i can with him, without giving him information a ten year old doesn't need to know. What do you think I should ask him specifically?

He wants to live with me, that's what he is saying anyway. I've talked to him about the consequences of his actions. Without threatening to "get rid of him." I make sure we're out of the heat of the matter, so he knows that the discussion comes from facts and realities instead of anger and impulse reactions. If that makes sense.

Same from me @Lionheart777 no pressure to respond and I understand if you don't. But your input is welcome and appreciated.

 

[shimmerz]

What do you think I should ask him specifically?

I think as long as you can both hold onto the fact that it was both of your decisions, if this is what transpires, it would be helpful in good times and in rough times. Lion was speaking about his inability to help his brother given his own challenges, Jane.
1. Is there an outside person, who knows how you function who could provide input as to whether they think you would be up for the challenge?
2. How is your self regulation?
3. Does the therapist know of your PTSD and how it affects your life?
4. If so, what does he/she foresee as being challenging for you if you take on this labour of love for your brother?

 

[Lionheart]

I can only speak about my own situation which is that I have a younger brother with schizophrenia that I made a promise to. The promise was that he could live with me in the event of my father's passing. Well, My father passed away and my brother is still in an assisted living facility because I have come to understand that I cannot give him the kind of care that he needs, especially given my *disability *(PTSD / Depression)

In my situation, my brother tends to go off of his medications and does things that are out of touch with reality and becomes a danger to himself and others. I then have to call the police into the situation and have him hospitalized for his own protection. This is highly stressful for the both of us and I cannot ensure that he will have 24 hour protection from himself and from others who might misunderstand his intentions and his illness. *(There are other concerns as well but this tops the list)

I have discussed the situation with family and with several therapists and what I want to do is have him live with me and this is what he wants as well, but I have to put my brothers welfare first, regardless of our wants, and take care of his needs.

Your situation may be different and you may have different challenges and different questions to answer, but the main thing is to do what is best for your little brother and of course, yourself as well. I hope that this is somehow helpful to you.

I wish you all the best as you carefully consider your situation.

If you have other questions feel free to ask.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I know I'm a child too and won't have as reflected views on some issues as adults simply because I'm younger and some perspective can't be gained from anything else than growing up, but I'll say this anyway:

As a kid in the foster system, who's moved an approximate amount of 19 times (may be more, definitely not less) in 15 years and have had both my parents at the same time, only my mother, only my father plus 4-5 other families as caregivers (these numbers are not even the worst that's out there) I know I'd prefer one stable place to call home, one stable adult to know as primary caregiver and just in general one thing that I can fall back on. A supportive person who's always there that's not in a condition where they'll suddenly disappear from my life and that the situation is so that I won't suddenly move again. Right now I know I have to move to another family because this one doesn't have the capacity to care for a child, but I have no time perspective of how long it is until I'll move. The child protective services haven't told me anything, not even a "Considering the stage of your case as it is right now, we can say for sure it is at least x weeks until you will be moved." or something along those lines, it's all just "We're working on it", "Sorry you called outside office hours yesterday so I wasn't available, you need to learn that", "I'm on vacation right now okay".

If my caregiver were as understanding as you seem and really wanted me there and wanted to help, that alone would be amazing.

 

[PlainJane]

@shimmerz how could I have been so stupid!?
This sent me off, real eye opener these ones!!!

1. Is there an outside person, who knows how you function who could provide input as to whether they think you would be up for the challenge?
2. How is your self regulation?
3. Does the therapist know of your PTSD and how it affects your life?
4. If so, what does he/she foresee as being challenging for you if you take on this labour of love for your brother?

1. No, I don't think there is anybody who can say anything about me with conviction with the exception that I am an anti-social workaholic with the added pleasant quirk of sarcasm. Seriously though, nobody knows me. :meh:
2. My self-regulation is pretty good when I am by myself. DANG IT. Actually out of the four I scored best on this one. I'm okay at this if I don't allow myself to get overwhelmed. This is a BIG if, I have made eye contact with suicide on more than one occasion this month alone. The, thankfully fleeting but still disturbing, thought is there nearly daily. With this out of the usually I can regulate okay.
3. No, I didn't tell the therapist. In fact, nobody here knows of my head. That was on purpose, because I was afraid that they would let him stay with me if that was an issue (warning sirens going off). The therapist and Children Services work hand in hand.