Need Hope - Exhausted By This Process, Flashbacks, Panic

[MesaRock]

I just can't take this - why did I open this can of horrible stuff. Flashbacks last night after being triggered by what was supposed to be a relaxing children's movie, fell asleep but hideous anxiety attacks this morning, and i'm exhausted. what's the point. I cry and let the cork out and process something and feel a sense of accomplishment and then another trauma is right behind it.

I'm worn out existentially. I just need hope. Why go on dealing with this. Why go on. Why am I doing this. I've learned all these skills and tools and sometimes like today they're not enough. I'm not functioning high enough anymore. I don't know when I ever will. I am tired and discouraged.

the grief and sadness around these flashbacks is totally debilitating. To have to go back and deal with it all again is the worst possible thing I could imagine. My only hope is that there is a POINT to it all, to not letting it continue to fester, but i hurt so badly i just can't take it.

I have a string of good days and then I get hit with another load of unprocessed garbage and it just won't stop and I can't believe there is this much pain inside me. how on earth am i ever supposed to get through it.

 

[Friday]

When you're going through hell? Keep going.

Stubborn up. For real. It's tempting to stop, in the middle of hell... But then you're still there. And still there. And still there.

Does it get better? Yep. It can also get a helluva lot worse. There's an upside to worse, when it's constant? You get used to it. And then instead of a bad day being gutting, it's a good few minutes that you cling to. Then, gradually, those minutes stretch. An hour here, a few weeks later another. Maybe half a day in a few months. And then a whole day. Days together. Bit by bit, things start getting better, when you keep working at it, stubborn up, and keep moving.

You're in one of the most difficult places, IMO. Where you've got enough good days that the bad days are adding insult to injury, and stressing you out (instead of being, eh, normal) on top of sucking. It's hard. as. f*ck. when you're in the part where you've got about equal time, or more good days than bad. Can feel pointless. It's not. Little bit, by little bit, you're moving forward. Good on you :) And keep moving.

 

[Crow]

Hang in there. Make it through however you can. It does get better. You've just got to make it through this darkness.