Need support

[Deleted member 34328]

Not good at this but I'm asking for personal support.

My mother has had a serious recurrence of colon cancer. Had a really good visit with both parents...I know very well that I'm blessed that way...

Her only real option at this point is a massively invasive surgery. May or may not be an option but it's her choice to make. I love her so much that I can't imagine life without her.

She isn't a supporter of my ptsd, doesn't want to be a part of it. I am sad about that and my father feels the same way. They love me unconditionally, but don't understand ptsd. Better not to involve them.

A huge problem of mine is that my trauma occurred in a hospital ER, and OR. As the eldest daughter in my family and the closest to the hospital location, I'm going to be surrounded and faced with so many stressors and triggers.

I'm badly triggered right now and that's just from listening to my father describe the details of the surgery. How I'm going to face this and even the weeks leading up to it... no idea.

Anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares..the works.

I just need to know that their are people here supporting me in this. In my world, it's huge.

Thx

 

[Ms Priss]

I can empathize with your situation. I went through a similar situation when my mother had colon cancer. My mother and I were not on good terms at the time. I was willing to work on our issues, but she wasn't. I stood by her side and supported her the best I could. I have a lot of ill feelings about the relationship we had that were never resolved. But I am so glad to be able to know I did the right thing when she was so sick. You will have the strength and the courage to do what you know is right. I did not agree with all the decisions she made about the care she received; but they were decisions only she could make. My heart goes out to you. I did not have the extra trauma about medical things you do, but I really believe you can do this a minute at a time. Continue to ask for the support you need and deserve.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you @Ms Priss . I've never spoken to her or Dad about the roles they played in my trauma... or their lack of involvement. A lot would never have happened had someone been with me at the time. I was brought in by ambulance in shock at the time.

Regardless, I realize now that I really don't hold things against her. I've had to think long and hard about it.

It's the actual trauma itself that's horrifying. So much happened at a hospital. Too bad logic and ptsd don't work well together.

 

[ladee]

So sorry to hear this is a double stressor for you.... can't imagine the fall out from this for you... I do not have hospital trauma, so other than doing what you can, when you can, I am so sorry to not have any suggestions... can't remember if you have a T? If so, hope they can help you come up with a plan, to be supportive and yet be able to take care of yourself.....

Seems one option you might have is....to share with them that you know they do not understand the PTSD, but that you may have to take breaks that they may not understand, doesn't mean that you don't love and support them, but you do understand PTSD and know when you need to take care of yourself..... don't know how well that would work, especially at this time....

But you do have my full support, if nothing else but to listen and be here for you.... don't isolate with this.... share when you need to.... very important you don't do this without support... gentle hugs

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you @ladee

Your support is so appreciated. Yes, I have a therapist. He's on vacation but is responding to my email. He's working with me on separating the two situations. I'm so grateful he's making himself available.

I will try to stay active here. You all speak my language. No one else does.

My parents do know about my ptsd. They aren't supporters but I am named in the will for a pretty big role. I had a really good heart to heart with them on Tuesday - probably why I'm so triggered right now.

I reminded them that I was being objective and candid with them then, but that when the time comes I have PTSD issues as well to deal with. I can't predict how things will go.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are going to have to take care of you first in this experience, you love your mom and that is so obvious what a good daughter you are.....but if you do not place yourself first then nothing is going to be okay for you. You have to take care of your needs and provide safety for yourself in this situation. Bring an I pod if you have one just in case to help you zone out or maybe walk to the cafeteria for a small treat for yourself and go on walks outside all to ground yourself. Take something warm because hospitals are so cold at night if you are going to be there overnight and bring a phone charger too. When you get home take a shower, because I have found after being at a hospital for a prolonged time makes you feel grungy. Eat good food too. Place a special stone or something in your pocket to also touch to ground yourself. Sorry if these are not good ideas but they were the only thing I could think of from being at hospitals with family members.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Rain those are all good things. I do have a special smooth rock that I carry with me. I also bought one of those silly spinners to keep my hands busy when anxiety is high.

Grounding is going to be important and you'really right. I should put my needs first. Optimal word being "should".

I still have to wait a couple more weeks so hopefully I'll be able to keep in touch and not fall into these panic moments too often.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am praying for you and for your mom and dad and hope for a really good outcome.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Me too. Thx @Rain

 

[ladee]

And we will try to help you remember that this is now, not then..... but stay in touch.. we will understand rambling if that's what you need.... you can do this.... you will have a great surprise at the end of this, seeing how incredibly strong you are, and courage you didn't know you had. Remember Courage is being afraid, and doing it anyway.... take care of you.... lots of gentle hugs....

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Grounding is going to be important and you'really right. I should put my needs first. Optimal word being "should".

I've been following this thread and quietly contemplating what support I could offer that would help you through and have decided on this: I am holding space, both here and in my thoughts, for what you are facing. A quote came to mind: "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."

Sending warmth and light.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I've been thinking about your situation for a little while now. STP, I think I know what is going to happen. I think you're going to get through it. I think that it will be less stressful than you've been worried that it will be. I think that you, your mom and dad, and your mom's medical team will manage to work together well, as you share a common goal.

I could be wrong, of course, but I've discovered that rarely are things as bad as we imagine they'll be.

Il be thinking of you - all of you!