Needing to Quit?

[whiteraven]

I am dealing with an immense amount of anxiety related to my job. I am a proofreader for a global company that is regulated by many different federal and international agencies. Everything we do has to be perfect and according to regulation. I have to review things and approve them. If I miss something, they have to be fixed and reviewed again.

I've been missing little things, but things that require my rejection, correction, and re-approval. I'm feeling STUPID. Inadequate. Like I have no idea what I'm doing. Like I need to quit, and the sooner the better.

I can't quit because I can't afford it, and finding a suitable job that pays well is just too hard.

I need ideas for managing the anxiety and "I'm so stupid" thoughts. Can anyone relate?

 

[arfie]

absotively, i relate. i was working as a circuit board designer during some of the hardest phases of my recovery. girl, howdy, it's easy to miss critical details while lost in a psychotic fog. i leaned heavily on my therapy support network for managing both the anxiety and the negative reflexes, such as telling myself what a moron i am. in this particular feat, i find peer support to be much more effective than pro support. the pro system is designed to make others feel inferior, isn't it?

"reframing" worked well for me on the "i'm so stupid" cliche. i started with replacing the word, "stupid" with the word, "sick." i didn't ask for my mental illness any more than a diabetic puts in a special request for diabetes. IQ has nothing to do with either condition. on the days where i know i am a few fries short of a happy meal, awareness and mindfulness help me manage the side effects which affect my functioning.

 

[whiteraven]

he pro system is designed to make others feel inferior, isn't it?

Indeed.

i started with replacing the word, "stupid" with the word, "sick."

That's interesting. I also have fibro, and saw just today a meme with a collection of symptoms, which includes every single thing I'm dealing with. Now I just have to figure out how to not tell myself being "sick"--however that manifests--is just an excuse. LOL It's neverending.

 

[arfie]

Now I just have to figure out how to not tell myself being "sick"--however that manifests--is just an excuse.

a never ending cycle, indeed and such little things make HUGE diffs in my own recovery. good thing for us that there are lots of options available for fine tuning. how 'bout "in episode" or "recovering?"

 

[whiteraven]

"in episode" or "recovering?"

I guess I have to be able to recognize an "episode" when it's happening to say that. I mean, I do, but it feels like it will never stop, so it's hard to remember in the moment that it is only temporary.

If I could see "recovering" as simply a never-ending process, that would be a good one, too.

Before, mindfulness always helped. I've just been having a hard time when I am hit with these periods of intense anxiety. And I guess, thinking about it, I am doing better in terms of the impulsiveness. I used to cut, make suicidal plans, lash out, etc.., but I don't do that hardly at all anymore. I stop and think before doing anything.

 

[arfie]

If I could see "recovering" as simply a never-ending process

among the reframings i have put on the word, "recovery" is "spiritual diet." which meal can i eat which shall make it so that i need never eat again? since anorexia is one of the main entrees on my psychosmorgasbord, that is an especially loaded question.

Before, mindfulness always helped. I've just been having a hard time when I am hit with these periods of intense anxiety.

my current framing of these periods of intense anxiety --my current headliner is the inheritance of 3 orphans with the traffic deaths of my son and his wife-- as, "psychic fogs." the best mindfulness can do is make me aware that i can't see jack shit and the clouds around me are forever shifting. enter my wilderness survival training. the best thing to do when lost in a fog is find a comfy spot to sit ^it^ out.

 

[bizness]

I am dealing with an immense amount of anxiety related to my job. I am a proofreader for a global company that is regulated by many different federal and international agencies. Everything we do has to be perfect and according to regulation. I have to review things and approve them. If I miss something, they have to be fixed and reviewed again.

I've been missing little things, but things that require my rejection, correction, and re-approval. I'm feeling STUPID. Inadequate. Like I have no idea what I'm doing. Like I need to quit, and the sooner the better.

I can't quit because I can't afford it, and finding a suitable job that pays well is just too hard.

I need ideas for managing the anxiety and "I'm so stupid" thoughts. Can anyone relate?

I have some thoughts, hopefully they are helpful:

- PTSD is really a mental injury, we know it strongly affects our executive functions (processes in the brain that control planning, organising, remembering and doing tasks)

- so with this injury, you are already pushing sh*t uphill with a role that focuses on detail

But the thing is? YOU ARE DOING IT. And that is incredible. And you are qualified for the role otherwise you wouldn’t have it and would have been fired.

I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your boss but I was in a similar role recently (email marketing, responsible for sending out hugely important communications with zero errors) and these are things I put in place when I was having a period of struggling with detail:

- recording the types of errors I was missing, trying to see if there were any patterns, writing checklists for myself if needed

- letting my boss know I was struggling, ensuring to point out that normally I am great with detail and just needed a little support

- working with the team to put in place processes that meant I had back up for quality - in my case this included a peer review process. For example you could pull someone in to check for formatting errors if that’s something you struggle with.

Basically the big things I had to battle was these (very unfair thoughts)
- it’s up to me alone
- if I ask for help I will get in trouble
- no one wants to be on my team

And the thing is - reading those so blatantly - I hope you can see that they are untrue for both of us.

We are capable people in professional roles. But we also have injuries. And they mean that sometimes we might need some help. Whether that help looks like some additional processes you fold into your workflow or a person helping (or a mixture) - you’ll know best.

But you aren’t alone. And you aren’t bad at this. And we see you. And it’s hard but you can do hard things.

 

[bizness]

As to how to reframe - honestly it’s one thought at a time. It’s catching yourself beating yourself up and trying to think “hey that’s a bit unfair”. Or realising that it’s time for a movement break or a drink of water.

And maybe it’s also recognising that part of all of this might also be building in breaks and buffers of time. Because you might need to have extra reviews to catch those last errors. So it might be looking at your workflow and thinking “knowing that I’m struggling, how can I build in more reviews and give myself more time”.

Because errors happen when we are in the awful brain fog, but also when we are rushed.

We can’t always change the brain fog or tiredness or whatever yuck is happening. Often we have to ride it out.

So I’d also thing “okay what would I suggest to someone else going through this stuff”. Because then you can take away the constant “I shouldn’t be feeling x” because - you are! It is what it is. And it’s not ideal but it’s just what’s happening.

You didn’t sign up for this, it’s not your fault. So knowing that, what would “making it easier” look like if you could take away the guilt and shame you’re feeling.