Thank you both. I guess it would be prudent to describe my trauma.
For context, I have asperger's syndrome, so was a very innocent, and emotionally open child to start with.
My first trauma was seeing the death of a sheep in front of me, without any warning or anything of the sort beforehand. From there, the nightmares began, and I had a lot of trouble dealing with all the feelings from that.
When I was 7, I was sexually abused for the first time. It was by another student. much older than I. I dealt with a lot of shame and anxiety over that, and never told others what I had experienced. It lasted for around 7 months, after which, the student moved to another area of the country.
But I had an enduring fear of men for a long, long time after that, and still have trust issues around other men to this day. I was the target of a lot of bullying when I was young, all through school, and it destroyed what control I had left over my life. Around age 7 is when I can identify that I was really depressed, while these sexual assaults were happening. I would feel sad each day that I woke up, that I had not died in my sleep, and wished that it would happen, over and over again.
When I was 9, I was sexually assaulted again, and only just escaped from a 16 year old paedophile who was intent on raping me. As I was running away, he grabbed hold of me, and tried to bribe me with money to stay. This time, I told a teacher, and the person was apprehended, but was never charged. My anxiety got worse and worse, and when I was almost 10, my family made an international move to Australia (from New Zealand). I faced a lot of taunting for having a different accent, and it was constant theme in my life. I grew even more depressed, and started suicidal ideations from about 12.
This continued until the next trauma, when I was 15, where I started gaining a lot of weight. I endured more and more taunting from schoolmates, and it started from my parents as well. It was like a constant barrage of assaults from all sides, and lasted for just over 2 years, by which time, I was totally emotionally broken, and unable to even get up some mornings, because of the weight of anxiety and depression pushing down on my shoulders. I had also started having sleep terrors, and the nightmares were so bad, that they were traumatic in and of themselves.
I quit school at 17, and didn't do much from there. When I was 18, I witnessed a suicide by train. A 14 year old leapt in front of a speeding train, from right beside me. I was listening to music at the time. I left the scene soon after, and never received counseling for the incident. From there, my suicidal ideations grew and grew, until I tried several times to end my life. I didn't receive any psychological support, until after my final suicide attempt, at 25, which landed me in hospital. I lied to my family, told them that I was at a friend's house, when I was in hospital from a codeine overdose. From there, I was referred to a psychologist, and I was seeing my doctor as well. I was put on a low dose of seroquel and given pristiq. I was getting better, but then started in a spiral downwards, from which I very nearly committed suicide, and voluntarily admitted myself the psychiatric ward. I was upgraded to 150mg of pristiq per day, and given mirtazapine as well, which helps me sleep, and had severely reduced the severity of my nightmares, as well as eliminating my sleep terrors (thank f*ck).
I am slowly getting better, but it is going to be a very, very long road. I've never told anyone the full story, I only told certain parts, to different people, because I never really trust anyone with enough information, that they might be able to use against me later on. I've been formally diagnosed with cPTSD and Dissociative Disorder (NOS), but I don't really know what the formal diagnosis does for me.
