Sufferer New And Apprehensive

[WhereIsTheSun]

I'm new to the forum thing but have been suffering silently for years. I suffered from physical and sexual abuse for years and then went into the "helping profession" as an adult. That really triggered me. I suffered so much and seen so much violence. I did this for many years. I wake with night terrors, I'm jumpy, agitated, angry. Eventually I had a complete breakdown and after 15 years left my career and everything behind. I lost everything including my retirement. I have nothing and no employable skills. I'm a wreck. I can't deal with anything. I can't focus on anything. I filled with anxiety and depression and I have nothing to look forward to. I truly want to die and fantasize about it all the time. I don't know where to turn. I can't find a job that I can do anymore. I'm sick and tired of being depressed and having no hope. I wake screaming. My anger consumes me. My fear consumes me. I'm isolated. My family doesn't understand. My friends have fled or given up. I fear I will have another breakdown. I still play the scenes in my head. I can't stop. I need to move forward but my brain keeps hitting the replay button. I need something to give me hope. I need a job. I need a life. I hate my life.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, and welcome.

Are you in treatment/therapy?

If you're unable to work, have you considered disability?

 

[WhereIsTheSun]

No I figured it would be too hard to get. But perhaps I can look more into it. Thanks

 

[ladee]

I understand being exhausted and hopeless. Most all of us here feel or have felt that off and on many times. There is hope, you reached out for help. That says there is still something worth fighting for. You do not have to do this alone.
If you don't have a therapist, that will be my recommendation first. Try to find a Trauma Specialist. In the meantime, please come here and talk about what is going on.
There is usually someone here all the time.
Welcome, wish the circumstances were different, but glad you are reaching out... keep posting, just writing things out help a lot and every one here understands...

 

[mary1979]

Welcome :)

I'm sorry the circumstances are so bad, but stick around because you'll be amazed at the things you will uncover about yourself while talking it out here with people who've walked your path and felt your desperation.

 

[cat-lady]

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that!

 

[Enaila]

Don't forget to breathe. I agree with Ladee...find a therapist who has experience in trauma. Sometimes when it seems the most dark, it makes it easier to see a light and move towards it. Don't give up. Things happen for a reason whether or not we know the reason right away or in my case 20 years later. Having PTSD sucks without a doubt...some days or weeks are worse than others, but eventually you will see some brighter days. Hang in there and keep reaching out.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome, Sun. I'm sorry that you're going through such a horrible time!

I agree with the others. Trauma therapy is critical for healing. Having people to talk to who understand your pain is therapeutic, as well, and you have definitely come to the right place for that!

If it helps, with work you can come out of this a much stronger, healthier person.

 

[intothelight]

@WhereIsTheSun Welcome to the forum!

There is only so much a person can do on their own and a therapist can provide you with options that can help you to improve your life. There is hope as many here have been in a place similar to where your are and have found their way to a much better place.

 

[WhereIsTheSun]

I understand being exhausted and hopeless. Most all of us here feel or have felt that off and on many tim...

Thank you for the encouragement

 

[WhereIsTheSun]

Thanks

 

[Stickler]

Please do get help.
...disability is -usually- denied at first, you will almost certainly have to appeal? But don't let that stop you, please. It's obvious you would be working if you could be working.

If you feel suicidal? I am given to understand being hospitalized can actually increase your chances of getting disability.
So if you're not safe at home, go to an ER.

I don't function at all without my psychiatric pill kibble, but I am figuring out I seem to just...be stuck feeling cruddy most of the time anyway.
So I have to do what I call the concrete-shoe shuffle...force myself to function. I generally don't want to.

I have no idea what help happy pills will be for you, but they *may* beat a dirt nap, so try them. If you're wanting to be dead, it makes sense to try a pill menu first.