General New and Could Use Some Advice - Boyfriend Refuses Contact

[FallenAngel]

Firstly would like to say Hi to everyone, I have been dipping inand out of this site for a couple of weeks now , and really I guess i am just after some advise as feeling a bit lost and confused right now.. My BF has PTSD , I didn't know when i first met him guess its not something you just drop into conversation. I am sorry if i drift abit just so much going through my brain! He has been out of the Army for many years and started to get headaches a few months ago, went to the doc's and apparently got diagnosed with PTSD, now I am not sure if this is really a "new " diagnosis or if he already has had treatment for this but didn't want to let on, anyway right now he has pulled so far away from me after what to me was a trivial tiny row...... but not to him he just sort of shut down and admits he cant shake off the dark place he is in , I dont know what to do for the best do I let him be hope he comes back to me ? or do I try and support from a far? I haven't seen him in about 6 weeks at the mo although we have up to now managed to maintain contact by messages , he wont physically speak or see me at the moment. The last thing I want is to stress him more but I just dont know what to do? and what ever I do seems to be wrong ! I am worried about him and I do care a great deal any advise from suffers or carrers would be greatly apprciated

 

[Kathy]

Welcome the forum Kazzy, lovely to have you. Your boyfriend sounds quite depressed, and it is not uncommon for someone who is that depressed to withdraw as he has. However, 6 weeks is a very long time to have not seen nor spoken to each other after an argument. What was the argument about? Has your boyfriend told you specifically why he does not want to see you? Is he currently on medication or in therapy? I need a little more information about your situation before I can make suggestions.

 

[Frankie]

Welcome aboard Kazzy, Yes, I agree with Kathy, 6 weeks is a very long time ! Is he in therapy now ? Does he live close to you ? I can imagine how you must be feeling right now, not knowing, wondering, scared !

Hope things work out and you see him soon !

 

[FallenAngel]

Hi , well it wasn't really a row as such well i didn't think so, we live about 60 miles apart and he was supposed to be coming here at the weekend, but he hada prior engagement that meant he may not have made it back to see me.. I said ok well lets scrap this weekend then i can go out with mates instaed, I didn't mean it in a bad way but he sort of took it as a threat, said he had heard all those things before ect....... I thought it would blow over how wrong was I ? anyway he says he knows his withdrawll is not all about me and what I said , he admits he is in a dark place in his head and cant seem to come out of it. He says its like everthing has reset and he has no feelings for anything not really sure what that means, also says he needs silence and solitude but when i said i would back off and give him some peace if thats what he needs, his response was I didn't need to back off as he wasn't refering to me, but never explained what he was refering too....... I'm just at a loss as to what to do.. The only contact we have is by messaging which I am finding very hard! He has been seeing a shrink for about 10 - 12 weeks I guess, that was really quick as well went to the doc's and had an appointment within 2 weeks, not normal for round here usually takes months even years unless you go private. I know he has been given some medication but he says he is not taking it but I dont know that for sure.

 

[Kathy]

It is a very long time Kazzy, for him to not speak with you, and you do not live that far apart. To be honest, even given his illness, I personally would want a bit more than simply text messaging! I would want something to change, even if that something was the two of you having a brief telephone conversation one weekly. Perhaps you should consider where the relationship is going and long you wish to endure the silence? Give yourself a timeframe? You do need to consider your needs as well.

 

[FallenAngel]

Thanks Kathy
I know in my head you are right, I also know this situation cannot go on for ever, I would end up making myself ill. I have decided that i am not going to send anything for a few days , let us both have some peace it will be hard cause I will want to know how he is , I just hope he will initiate some contact and take it from there. Nice to have site's this though , I feel abit better with just one post Thanks

 

[Shoshin]

Kazzy,

I just moved back in with my wife of ten years after a self-imposed exile of 3 weeks as I struggled through the early phases of PTSD therapy. I was angry, ashamed, suspicious, defensive, lost...and intellectually I knew I just was not myself, but could not overcome the desire to be alone, isolated, "safe", but that was not sustainable. I do not know whether your BF is in a similar boat, but I contacted my wife very little during that time. It did not mean my feelings for her had disappeared, just that they were overwhelmed by the PTSD for a while. We are now working very slowly and carefully on how to live together. I write this post from the guest room, where I have been sleeping so far...by my choice. I still need a "safe" place for now...

 

[Kathy]

Very good insight into the situation Shoshin, thank you for sharing your experiences! It is always good to hear from the sufferers, I wish you would all post in here more often!

Kazzy, I was a bit brief the other day. I did not mean that you should break up with him nor do anything drastic. That is of course up to you, only you can know what's best in the situation. However, I am concerned that you are very unhappy, and you should be thinking of your own happiness, not only his. That is why I say, think about what you want from the relationship, how long you are willing to wait for him, what you would like to see happen in future, and so forth. You count too and your feelings are also important. And, if you know clearly what you want, it will be easier for you to communicate with your boyfriend, when the time comes.

 

[FallenAngel]

Shoshin

Thank you so much for your honesty, it has given me a little more insight into what he may be going through. This is the first time I have really been in this situation with him and my ignorance or lack of knowledge is what is frustrating me , I know I will never fully understand or may be will never come near to understanding what goes on in his head as I can never live the trauma's he has. I just hope I have not pushed him further away with my own insecuritys and hurt during the last couple of weeks, I took it personnally which was so wrong , think I went into defensive mode ! I will give him some peace for a few days then try and make some gentle contact, see what happens. Thanks again

Kathy

I understand what you meant and I do feel I need a couple of days to regain my composure, I stuggling a little as it did feel like rejection, you see I have sort of been here before a previous boyfriend had depression not PTSD and just dissapeared out of my life, took him over a year before he made contact again and said sorry for what he had put me through , so I suppose the fear of that happening again has fed my insecurity, I just need to try and understand as much as I can and not compare this to the past

 

[Kathy]

I can understand your fears Kazzy, that is perfectly logical. Do take care and keep coming here to post as often as you wish.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Kazzy and Shoshin

I don't think I have had the pleasure of welcoming you as I haven't been on the forum much in the past week or so. Nice to have you around and I look forward to talking to you more in the future.

 

[samsara]

Kazzy, be careful. He sounds like he could put a lot of emotional burden on you. Are you sure you want to deal with that?