General New and Need Advice

[LMMSG]

Hi Everyone I have been reading all the posts and I have realized I'M NOT ALONE. So now it's time for me to ask questions and get advice. I'm SCARED TO DEATH! My boyfriend is just returning home from his deployment of 14 months. He was diagnosed with mild TBI and PTSD while over there. He has been batteling this for months and I couldn't help because we were apart. We were together the first of this year and I noticed things had changed with him. When he went back to tour--FORGET IT--he was a mess. There was nothing I could do except be on the phone listening and emailing, etc., to try and support. He had became very distant to a point where I say he is my boyfriend now (we actually are engaged) but I had no clue where his emotions went or are going to go. It has been a huge roller coater ride. It got to a point where he wouldn't talk to me, email me and we went a month and 1/2 without communtication and that was due to him. He managed to talk to family. Anyway, he is on his way home as I type this and for the first time I'm not sure what to feel with him. He is stationed out of country and he will be stateside I hope in the next couple of weeks. Honestly, I have no clue if I'll see him. Although, I honestly think i will. We have managed to decide we would start fresh and be positive and see where we can now go after deployment. I'm worried. I'm worried I won't be able to help him break his walls and try to be the person he needs me to be right now. I'm only human and the distancing has really hurt my feelings even though I KNOW BETTER. How do people remove themselves from this? How do I not take things personal? Thats what I need help with.

Thanks so much.

 

[Shoka]

Dear LMMSG,

I don't know how to tell you to learn not to take things personally. It is a learning curve though and after some time, I still am not great at it. Sometimes when my sufferer is acting distant or cold, I tell myself inside my head "this is not about me, he is in pain", and that helps me detach with love.

I think it's important to lower your expectations for getting attention from him and your ability to help him. Yes in normal relationships people can help each other break down barriers, but with PTSD, it's not up to you to accomplish this. I hope your fiance is getting help because it takes a professional to help them.

Hang in there and learn how to take emotionally good care of yourself. Keeping yourself in a good place emotionally is one of the best things you can really do to help him.

Shoka

 

[Deleted member 541]

We can all tell you not to take it personal, but the bottom line is, you are human and have emotions, and feelings. PTSD is tough, it isn't for the weak, that's for sure.....

I'm sure that you have some sort of clue as to how it is with your boyfriend, but it can get worse. You have been shut out once already, so brace yourself that it might, and possibly will happen again.

We aren't easy to be with, as I am sure that you know.....I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

[Some1sAngel]

I too find myself in your shoes. It's hard. Very hard. You wish things were the same before he left. It hurts to have them act that way towards u. You feel ignored, like they don't care. There are days when he seems normal and others he seems angy, like he doesn't care. I even feel ignored, like he's running away from me. I'm the one keeping in contact with him cuz he doesn't seem interested in doing so. He always responds which is good. He's been home for 2 months and I've only seen him once. But we are in contact each and every week. All I can tell u is .. be patient and gather strength because this isn't gonna be easy. Hang in there. And know u are not alone.

 

[pebbels]

Hello LMMSG

Welcome to the forum:hello:You have come to the best place to get advice and support. Read as much as you can about ptsd, read both carers and sufferers threads, these will help you immensely to get a better understanding from both sides. I echo what Shecat and Shocka have said.

You say it has been a rollercoaster ride, well hold on tight because it wont be easy and your partner really needs professional help to start the healing process, you cant FIX him.

Take good care of yourself and find your own support network to help you be strong and able to vent to.

I wish you both all the best:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[ISupportHer]

It's a long road

It certainly is hard not to take it personally. The few books I've read for incest survivors say 2-5 years for the survivior to come to some sort of way of dealing with their trauma. Don't know it that can transfer to your situation. I'm new here myself. I find that message boards like this are helpful. Just to feel like there is a community that understands and the ability to maybe share things and get feedback. There certainly are books out there. I can't remember the specific name but there was a lecture on iTunes that talked about PTSD and the specific effects of TBI. It was in the Health section of iTunes U, which is in the iTunes store. All content there is free. I'm listening to one series that is a Psychology 101 "course". Maybe others have an opinion, but I'm trying therapy. First therapist was not a good match last year or maybe I just wasn't ready. As I've read in other places here, you kind of have to look at yourself and make sure you do not become so stressed that you become co-dependant. Feeling that your happiness only depends on his or her happiness. I see now that I have been doing that. So many things, hospitalizations, fears that I react to. I just think that having a therapist, someone with the knowledge to help YOU work though it, is so valuable.