New And Trying To Learn To Write Down My Feeling Again

[AngelaMarie]

I have been a member for about a week. Every day I have been trying to get the courage to open up and write something in introductions. There has been many times in my life when writing down my feelings have caused traumatic experiences for me.

When I was a teenager I used to write poems and keep a journal. One of the most vivid things I remember growing up is having my room searched and being made to sit down and told how my feelings were wrong and how stupid I was. At the same time I was warned that if I expressed my feeling or told anyone what was going on in my home I would be sent to a foster home. That was very traumatic for me because I had already been abandoned by my biological Mom at 3 years old. Three years later I was also left by my mentally ill Father. I was left only after he abandoned me in a hotel room and other misc. places when he got drunk; all before the age of 7 years old.

I am not able to write down the most traumatic things that happened to me as a child to this day. I also can not keep a journal or pictures from the past. I always end up tearing things up because I get the paralyzing fear that someone might criticize me. The only pictures I have been able to keep are the ones of my children. I am 45 years old and I still feel like that little girl that was so abused.

I am hoping that this is the first step to learning to interact with people again. For years I have only been able to be around people or in crowds when I am intoxicated. I become so full of fear that I can't leave my house for long periods of time. When I do leave the house and talk with people I feel out of place and like I am being judged. When this happens I run home and I am relieved just to be home and be by myself.

For years I have felt that no one understood me. If I am honest, I have felt that way my whole life. It wasn't until I signed on to this website that I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings and actions. For the first time I feel hope and not so alone. However, at the same time I am feeling so much fear every time I try to talk to someone or just to make a post.

Tomorrow is my birthday. For my birthday I decided not to have one. There are so many bad memories from my past that are linked to that time of year. I started having nightmares about 2 weeks ago. Things that I had pushed away are even coming back. I have been a shaking, crying individual since the nightmares began.

I don't know if it's a step forward to admit I can't be around people for a day that is suppose to be a celebration or is it a step back? I am spending it with the only two people that I love and trust in the world and that is my 2 young sons.

Where do I go from here? How am I suppose to feel? Who am I? Will the pain ever recede? I have always been so obsessive-compulsive I always had to feel that I had an answer (even though they were only excuses). This is the first time I have to admit I have no answers. I just know that those memories of the abuse as a child seem to overtake my life more and more and it is frightening for me. One minute I feel 5 years old, the next minute I feel 80 years old.

I know that as I get older the time for learning to be happy and to have a "semi-normal" life is disappearing.

 

[intothelight]

Hi AngelaMarie,

Welcome to the Forum. It is a huge step to introduce yourself and be proud of yourself for taking this step. You will find a lot of information on this site and a lot of support as you move towards healing.

Wishing you peace.

Debbie

 

[Ycg]

Hi AngelaMarie,

My name is Yvonne and I found this site yesterday. I am currently recieving CBT for my PTSD and was just looking for info. I had a good look and I feel a bit 'normal' reading through other peoples threads. I haven't had the courage to introduce myself before, but your introduction so moved me, that I felt I had to say that to you. I identify so much with what you have written and that has given me the courage to reach out for the first time, and say hello to everyone. Thankyou for your courage.

Best wishes

Yvonne

 

[The Albatross]

I wrote as a teen, and my grandmother cried when I shared my poetry with her. I clamed up for many years, and (new here as well) am only now prepared to revisit writing. Starting this today... a guided study I found. I don't think I would go back there without guidance. I have resisted journaling for a long time, thought if I wrote it it would become real (avoiding victimization)... which was pretty dumb, because it was real anyway. Thank you for this topic, as it has really helped me today.

 

[The Albatross]

I can also relate to avoiding momentus occasions... not just birthdays for me, but holidays. I avoided them by seeking out commitments that would preclude me from attending. But that time is past... it was about 6 years for me... I am ready to risk more now.

 

[jokuzzi]

Hello Friend!

I understand your feelings about writing.

When I was in 5th grade, my teacher (a really old nun) took the class down to church and told us when she was our age God told her to become a nun. She instructed us to kneel and pray to God to tell us our callings as well. Needless to say, as had as I tried, God didn't have anything to say to me that day. When we returned to the classroom, she had us write down what God told us. I panicked!!!! Holding my pen, I wrote about how God wanted me to be a writer, and I turned in my paper.

The next day, when Sister returned our papers, she singled me out. Pointing her knarled finger inches from my face, she announced to the class that my mind was warped and twisted, just like my hair. She said I would never be a writer because I had dirty fingernails. I would be better as a farmer's wife with lots of animals and children.

Thinking God was talking through this evil woman...I was relieved. I was going to be a farmers wife! I thanked her. The next thing I knew, I was being pulled by my warped and twisted hair down to the principals office for being disrespectful. What the heck!

I didn't write again for a few years. And I was good at writing. Until I found out my then husband was reading my journals. I found out because he used the information in them to manipulate and hurt me. It took serveral more years and college to start writing again. My English teachers really felt I could do something with this gift. But once again, I've stalled.

I've tried to write after my son's accident, to tell others about my experience with Traumatic Brain Injuries but everytime I try...I freeze up. 9 years and I cant even write a personal thought in a greeting card. This forum has been the most I've put into writing in years! My wish is...if I can do this, write things in this forum that I can't even voice to the people I love, maybe one day I can't put it all down. All the pain, the fear, the good and the bad will finally balance out.

I hope we all can one day...

Wishing you peace.