Sufferer Trying to make sense of my feelings.

[Msconfig]

Hi guys, I’m a 43 year old male just trying to make sense of a lot of heavy stuff from my past that still weighs on me. Growing up was rough, with moments that keep replaying in my head. At 15, I found my uncle after he took his own life, hanging from the rafters, a picture I can’t unsee. At 16, I hit rock bottom and tried to hang myself, but my younger brother, who was only 13, found me and held me up for 15 minutes until my mom got there. Knowing he went through that breaks my heart, and now he’s battling depression. When I was 17, my older brother, who was 18, got badly hurt and ended up in a vegetative state, which crushed me. My dad made things so much worse. He was violent, threatening me with a knife as a kid, but this was pretty normal from the age of 12, I always took them as empty threats. But when I was 17 he stabbed me and again at 18. He’d say awful things, like wishing I was the one in my brother’s state. He also abused my mom, physically and emotionally.

As kids, his punishment for us was holding our heads underwater in the bath. I’m pretty sure all my younger brothers suffer from some kind of depression because of him.

I know so many people go through such bad things in life and I feel like I’m being a baby complaining about this. I grew up this way and it always seemed normal. But I know now it was just a way to cope. My depression and anxiety seem to be getting worse over the past 5 years. Just don’t know how to be normal again.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

I know so many people go through such bad things in life and I feel like I’m being a baby complaining about this.

Oh yeah, pretty much every member here has either said or thought those exact words!

There is no ‘normal’ that you need to strive for. Compassion for your past self, and working towards the life you want for yourself. Comparisons, when you have ptsd on board, are usually irrelevant (at best), and often plain self-destructive!

 

[arfie]

hello msconfig. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I feel like I’m being a baby complaining about this.

tragically, not too many babies would complain directly about this, not even if they had the vocabulary to complain with. acting out is the best they can do. at 71, i am still trying to find words for ^it^. some things not-so-simply defy rational logic. i am quite solidly convinced that finding words for ^it^ is the mature thing to do. it goes a long way toward finding solutions for the long-term side effects.

i'll second @Sideways assertion that comparing is unproductive at best and destructive at worst. even if you managed to find an identical case to yours, healing remains an individual, strictly personal journey. however, that strictly personal journal is best made with outside support. ya can't climb a lifeline which is tied only to your own belt.

steadying support while you commence your own healing journey. welcome aboard. i hope healing happens here.

 

[Tom Holland]

Hi guys, I’m a 43 year old male just trying to make sense of a lot of heavy stuff from my past that still weighs on me. Growing up was rough, with moments that keep replaying in my head. At 15, I found my uncle after he took his own life, hanging from the rafters, a picture I can’t unsee. At 16, I hit rock bottom and tried to hang myself, but my younger brother, who was only 13, found me and held me up for 15 minutes until my mom got there. Knowing he went through that breaks my heart, and now he’s battling depression. When I was 17, my older brother, who was 18, got badly hurt and ended up in a vegetative state, which crushed me. My dad made things so much worse. He was violent, threatening me with a knife as a kid, but this was pretty normal from the age of 12, I always took them as empty threats. But when I was 17 he stabbed me and again at 18. He’d say awful things, like wishing I was the one in my brother’s state. He also abused my mom, physically and emotionally.
As kids, his punishment for us was holding our heads underwater in the bath. I’m pretty sure all my younger brothers suffer from some kind of depression because of him.
I know so many people go through such bad things in life and I feel like I’m being a baby complaining about this. I grew up this way and it always seemed normal. But I know now it was just a way to cope. My depression and anxiety seem to be getting worse over the past 5 years. Just don’t know how to be normal again.

I'm a 74 year old retired school teacher with a diagnosis of Cptsd and ptsd. I've struggled for years with my symptoms and decided to try Ketamine.
I'm familiar with psychedelics. I used them as a college student and I always thought psychedelics were good for mental health issues.
This is working better than I imagined.

 

[Joey Bones]

Hi guys, I’m a 43 year old male just trying to make sense of a lot of heavy stuff from my past that still weighs on me. Growing up was rough, with moments that keep replaying in my head. At 15, I found my uncle after he took his own life, hanging from the rafters, a picture I can’t unsee. At 16, I hit rock bottom and tried to hang myself, but my younger brother, who was only 13, found me and held me up for 15 minutes until my mom got there. Knowing he went through that breaks my heart, and now he’s battling depression. When I was 17, my older brother, who was 18, got badly hurt and ended up in a vegetative state, which crushed me. My dad made things so much worse. He was violent, threatening me with a knife as a kid, but this was pretty normal from the age of 12, I always took them as empty threats. But when I was 17 he stabbed me and again at 18. He’d say awful things, like wishing I was the one in my brother’s state. He also abused my mom, physically and emotionally.
As kids, his punishment for us was holding our heads underwater in the bath. I’m pretty sure all my younger brothers suffer from some kind of depression because of him.
I know so many people go through such bad things in life and I feel like I’m being a baby complaining about this. I grew up this way and it always seemed normal. But I know now it was just a way to cope. My depression and anxiety seem to be getting worse over the past 5 years. Just don’t know how to be normal again.

You Def aren't being a baby. It sounds like you've had some very difficult experiences. I hope you find some peace and love friend

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Msconfig . Wow, no you've been through many terrible things, and it is not being a baby to speak of them. Besides which, if it were a contest only 1 person in the world would have it 'the worst'. It isn't a contest, hopefully just a place here you will find support and good knowledge. Also, Idk but my past 'normal' was just denying everything and pushing through while all the while falling apart. There is a better way.

Congratulations on having the guts to put that much in writing. Welcome to you!