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My therapist says my fears and background don’t make sense?

Roland

MyPTSD Pro
I was molested by my dad when I was three. He continued to be sexually harassing such as grabbing my butt, kissing, hugging, constant touching, making comments, etc.

To my knowledge, nothing else happened sexually besides that sort of thing. But I had and have an intense fear of being raped. When I was like 10 or 11 I watched a show at a neighbors house that was some kind of true crime thing where it was talking about women and children getting abducted, raped, and killed. It messed with my head so badly that I was terrified the rest of the summer that there would be men hiding in my room going to pop out and get me. I avoided going to bed. I was afraid my dad would rape me, and that if I started my period, I would get pregnant from rape and no one would believe me.

When my husband and I have sex, I sometimes get very afraid he would rape me (this one being completely just triggers, he would never, I always have the choice to say no or stop him). I don’t say anything when I get triggered though because with my dad if I said no he was more harassing. With my husband, and my ex, I feel almost like I should always consent so it would never be rape, or something like that, I can choose to say yes, where if I choose to say no I could still be violated…

My therapist basically said this doesn’t make sense. She said “Why would I be that afraid of something that hasn’t happened to me?” and implied that perhaps more shit happened that I blocked out (which is entirely possible since I don’t remember too much). But I’m kinda clapping back, because if your dad is essentially raping your mom everyday, and he molested you, and continuously to you and your sister crosses boundaries and sexualizes you, isn’t fearing he could rape you relatively understandable?? I’m taken aback by her reaction.
 
But I’m kinda clapping back, because if your dad is essentially raping your mom everyday, and he molested you, and continuously to you and your sister crosses boundaries and sexualizes you, isn’t fearing he could rape you relatively understandable?? I’m taken aback by her reaction.
I think fearing HE would/could rape you is reasonable but fearing it outside of that does seem out of the norm for someone who doesn’t have intimate knowledge of it. Being triggered generally means it reminds you of something that happened so logically I’d say your T is right. However I have no idea why they’d say it. If you were ready to discuss an event you would.
 
I think fearing HE would/could rape you is reasonable but fearing it outside of that does seem out of the norm for someone who doesn’t have intimate knowledge of it. Being triggered generally means it reminds you of something that happened so logically I’d say your T is right. However I have no idea why they’d say it. If you were ready to discuss an event you would.
I guess that makes sense. Being afraid my husband would rape me is strange for someone that hasn’t been raped, but also is it? My “no” was never respected by my dad.

I have no knowledge or memory of being raped. It doesn’t make sense to me that it could happen to me and I not know or remember, but I suppose it’s possible. I have memory gaps and foggy memory anyways.

But my therapist is very intellectual and logical, like I know she didn’t say that for no reason or just emotional reaction.
 
y therapist basically said this doesn’t make sense. She said “Why would I be that afraid of something that hasn’t happened to me?”
Because you were raped as a toddler, and continued living with a person who sexualized you AFTER having raped you as a toddler?

New therapist.

That ALL things family, normal life, love/trust, ease, sex, feelings, etc. DO NOT trigger you? Is seeeriously resilient. The facets that do? FFS. How damn strong are you that only unguarded moments shred you?!?
 
Because you were raped as a toddler, and continued living with a person who sexualized you AFTER having raped you as a toddler?

New therapist.

That ALL things family, normal life, love/trust, ease, sex, feelings, etc. DO NOT trigger you? Is seeeriously resilient. The facets that do? FFS. How damn strong are you that only unguarded moments shred you?!?
It’s the argument of “severity”. I wasn’t raped as in PIV at any point in my life to my knowledge. But having been molested and sexualized isn’t really far off from rape so I think irrationally fearing my husband could rape me really isn’t all that far off.

She specializes in PTSD and EMDR, but she mentioned that she was probably going to refer me because she knows someone that specializes in ongoing sexual abuse/sexual issues etc. which idk brings me to multiple things, what experiences do her clients have? Like one instance rape? But on a side note, I have heard mixed opinions on whether CPTSD should be treated with EMDR.
 
I have heard mixed opinions on whether CPTSD should be treated with EMDR.
I have heard this as well. I was also sexually abused by my dad when I was a baby and then sexualized by him as I grew up. Lived with him as an adult (while married) until I put the pieces together. My T did not think I was a good candidate for EMDR because my memories were so buried (mostly emotional flashbacks and body memories) and I had developed so many poor coping strategies and defense mechanisms that working on my recovery rarely involved something along the lines of “let’s look at this memory.” My memories and schemas would occasionally bubble up but not regularly. Anyway, just one perspective.
 
I dont entirely agree with your therapist. Something is causing you to feel that way. Some memories can never be retrieved but the body remembers. My ex husband believed that since we were married, he was entitled to sex, so if I said NO, he did it anyway. After 7 yrs and getting out of the relationship, I found myself in a similar situation. There are times I had sex when I did not want to and I believe it was out of fear of men just taking it, and if that happens, I have no control, but if I allow, I get to maintain some control. (though that is really not true either)
 
I have heard this as well. I was also sexually abused by my dad when I was a baby and then sexualized by him as I grew up. Lived with him as an adult (while married) until I put the pieces together. My T did not think I was a good candidate for EMDR because my memories were so buried (mostly emotional flashbacks and body memories) and I had developed so many poor coping strategies and defense mechanisms that working on my recovery rarely involved something along the lines of “let’s look at this memory.” My memories and schemas would occasionally bubble up but not regularly. Anyway, just one perspective.
What kind of treatment did work for you? I’ve only had talk therapy and barely started EMDR, and talk therapy isn’t great for me because I’m not the talking type.
 
I dont entirely agree with your therapist. Something is causing you to feel that way. Some memories can never be retrieved but the body remembers. My ex husband believed that since we were married, he was entitled to sex, so if I said NO, he did it anyway. After 7 yrs and getting out of the relationship, I found myself in a similar situation. There are times I had sex when I did not want to and I believe it was out of fear of men just taking it, and if that happens, I have no control, but if I allow, I get to maintain some control. (though that is really not true either)
Yeah I get that. What you describe follows her narrative, you were raped before (not being allowed to say no is rape even if it’s not violent or physically forceful), and then later you felt like it could happen again so you’re maintaining control in the same way.

But honestly, why would it need to be rape in my case? I wasn’t allowed to say no to my dad anyways, and even if that didn’t lead to PIV rape, I could easily extrapolate that if my dad had all the control over what happened to my body so could other men. Especially growing up in this dynamic the majority of my life.

But what is rape too? (Sorry I’m getting really existential). If say, he put his fingers inside me, is that rape?

I don’t really understand why we need definitions in the first place though.

And I mean really her point was that there was a good chance I could uncover memories I don’t expect and that could overwhelm me, which is factually true for someone with memory gaps and such, having blocked out I was molested for a good fifteen years, etc.
 
But honestly, why would it need to be rape in my case
I totally disagree with your therapist. I don't think you need to have had PIV rape to fear PIV rape. Triggers are triggers.
Running in the heat is a trigger for me. No logical link to that (in my mind) to rape (although T says it's the pressure on my body). Triggers don't need to be rational.
And anyway: I totally understand that you would fear PIV when the person who was meant to keep you safe sexually abused you. Nothing is safe then as a child. So for me: it's logical.
But what is rape too? (Sorry I’m getting really existential). If say, he put his fingers inside me, is that rape?
This is such a good question. And depends how you define it. In the US rape is penetration by anything. Which I think is the right definition. But in the UK rape is only by a penis.
 
I totally disagree with your therapist. I don't think you need to have had PIV rape to fear PIV rape. Triggers are triggers.
Agree. There's nothing unusual about having a fear of rape after being sexually abused. Her claiming that this somehow represents blocked memories (without any indication from you that you're even concerned about this) is extremely irresponsible. This is how patients wind up with false memories.
 
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