I was molested by my dad when I was three. He continued to be sexually harassing such as grabbing my butt, kissing, hugging, constant touching, making comments, etc.
To my knowledge, nothing else happened sexually besides that sort of thing. But I had and have an intense fear of being raped. When I was like 10 or 11 I watched a show at a neighbors house that was some kind of true crime thing where it was talking about women and children getting abducted, raped, and killed. It messed with my head so badly that I was terrified the rest of the summer that there would be men hiding in my room going to pop out and get me. I avoided going to bed. I was afraid my dad would rape me, and that if I started my period, I would get pregnant from rape and no one would believe me.
When my husband and I have sex, I sometimes get very afraid he would rape me (this one being completely just triggers, he would never, I always have the choice to say no or stop him). I don’t say anything when I get triggered though because with my dad if I said no he was more harassing. With my husband, and my ex, I feel almost like I should always consent so it would never be rape, or something like that, I can choose to say yes, where if I choose to say no I could still be violated…
My therapist basically said this doesn’t make sense. She said “Why would I be that afraid of something that hasn’t happened to me?” and implied that perhaps more shit happened that I blocked out (which is entirely possible since I don’t remember too much). But I’m kinda clapping back, because if your dad is essentially raping your mom everyday, and he molested you, and continuously to you and your sister crosses boundaries and sexualizes you, isn’t fearing he could rape you relatively understandable?? I’m taken aback by her reaction.
To my knowledge, nothing else happened sexually besides that sort of thing. But I had and have an intense fear of being raped. When I was like 10 or 11 I watched a show at a neighbors house that was some kind of true crime thing where it was talking about women and children getting abducted, raped, and killed. It messed with my head so badly that I was terrified the rest of the summer that there would be men hiding in my room going to pop out and get me. I avoided going to bed. I was afraid my dad would rape me, and that if I started my period, I would get pregnant from rape and no one would believe me.
When my husband and I have sex, I sometimes get very afraid he would rape me (this one being completely just triggers, he would never, I always have the choice to say no or stop him). I don’t say anything when I get triggered though because with my dad if I said no he was more harassing. With my husband, and my ex, I feel almost like I should always consent so it would never be rape, or something like that, I can choose to say yes, where if I choose to say no I could still be violated…
My therapist basically said this doesn’t make sense. She said “Why would I be that afraid of something that hasn’t happened to me?” and implied that perhaps more shit happened that I blocked out (which is entirely possible since I don’t remember too much). But I’m kinda clapping back, because if your dad is essentially raping your mom everyday, and he molested you, and continuously to you and your sister crosses boundaries and sexualizes you, isn’t fearing he could rape you relatively understandable?? I’m taken aback by her reaction.