My therapist says being nice is a choice

[blackemerald1]

I'm getting from this thread that there is nice and then there is 'nice'.

I just think of nice as is do no harm, be kind, compassionate and respectful. As in good manners cost nothing.

It is the way I want to be treated. So that is the way I try to treat others.

 

[ILoveLife]

I don't think there's an either/or here. Black and white thinking and all that.
People can be nice while being jerks too. Nice people can be jerks, jerks can be nice, we are a mix of both to some extent.

 

[Muttly]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. Sorry, I've been on quiet mode this last week and still mostly am :P I have been reading though.

I guess, I think, "nice" is an ambiguous term and can mean many things. I think some personality traits are hardwired in and some people get some traits that make being kind, generous, patient and those sorts of things easier than they may be for people with a different set of personality traits. I guess though, that acting kind, caring, patient, compassionate, respectful is a choice. That sometimes, for pretty much everyone those things will come easier, and sometimes, pretty much anyone will really have to put in effr to do act in those ways.

And I don't think nice should automatically be assumed to be insincere or fawning, but it can be those things. And the idea of fawning gets me all sorts of tangled/triggered and I talked to my T about that today. (Once she managed to get me talking)

And yes, @Friday, I suppose the vice-versa must be true. That sometimes being an a-hole will come automatically to almost anyone, but if you are doing it consistently, you are making choices.

Blah. This whole topic tangles me knots.

 

[Friday]

And yes, @Friday, I suppose the vice-versa must be true. That sometimes being an a-hole will come automatically to almost anyone, but if you are doing it consistently, you are making choices

Yeah it can be a bit of a hard one to wrap your head around, because it both means that it’s not your fault they’re being an asshole / it isn’t anything you did or deserve ...AND... that they’re deliberately choosing to treat you -and others- like that. :wtf:

It’s not like, “Oh sorry! You got the prickish jerk personality! I’ll just have to make allowances.” But... wow. You could act any way you choose to, and THIS is what you choose to be???Shudder.

Or -worse- the other way... believing it’s something about you, or something you did, that “makes” them the way they are. No matter how much venomous cowards try and blame shift their choices onto everyone else around them, their being mean is their responsibility. Not yours.

 

[EveHarrington]

Or, as my mom says, you describe someone as “nice” when you don’t have anything better to say about them. LOL.

 

[Abstract]

Exactly what Friday said. These are the understandings this realisation generates. And that can be very uncomfortable. Also, blaming oneself and excusing others can be learnt behaviour that is very uncomfortable to break or challenge.

"they behaved like this to me because this is their nature and because I did a, b and c". rather than "they chose to behave like this and me doing a, b and c had nothing to do with it."

"I behave well towards others because its my nature" rather than "I behave well towards others because others feelings are important to me and I care about their comfort more than venting my feelings. Because its important to me I prioritise it".

I realised you meant nice as: acting kind, respectful, caring, patient, compassionate etc. Now we know your definition on that the grammar side of this can be put aside. ;-) If I am understanding correctly. You want to know if behaving well to others is a choice or an inherent trait. Yes? Its a choice!

 

[blackemerald1]

as “nice” when you don’t have anything better to say about them. LOL.

Or when you choose to say nothing worse of them. Lol :oops:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I think like @Abstract (Hi @Abstract , btw ! :):hug: ) said it's a choice. Because no matter what, we give ourselves permission to act or not act in whatever ways we choose. We might have trouble regulating it, but the responsibility is still ours. If we are genuinely loving, kind, patient, sincere etc (not sure if that is 'nice'?), that would be 'nice' (or some other word?), but I think shaped more by our attitudes and thoughts and expectations or (lack of, or hesitation to) judgements/ perspective and care and respect for others rather than just for ourselves, or simply due to genetic propensity. Maybe our nature Idk but still a choice, when it's through thick-and-thin. JMHO though. Hope it makes any sense. :confused:

 

[Muttly]

I guess... what I don't understand is why. Why did they all choose to be the way they were. Why, if they were the major influences on my life, and I had very little outside influence, did I choose (and continue to choose) to be different. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Rani G2]

Met plenty of nice awful people in my life. But hey, at least they were nice about it. :D

Like this sentence....can I borrow it?

 

[EveHarrington]

I guess... what I don't understand is why. Why did they all choose to be the way they were. Why, if they...

We usually don’t get to know “why” and just have to accept the reality of the situation.

 

[ILoveLife]

Like this sentence....can I borrow it?

sure :)