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My therapist says being nice is a choice

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I have to agree that being nice is a choice and considering that many times my responses are a reaction to how I perceive the interaction, I can't say that my responses are always "nice". Would be wonderful to slow down enough to engage in conscientious decision making when interacting rather than reacting. Go into "fight" mode way to easily when I perceive a threat even if that perception is wrong. Would be interesting if I had a "nice" or "calm" default.
 
"Nice" is a fear response, as opposed to "kind".
Nice is a default response for some of us when threatened, it's kind of a "fawn" "appease" thing. Not something to want to choose. I wish i wasn't so "nice" and have been working on being more authentic instead.
Compassion isn't always nice, but it is, ultimately, kind. Compassion starts with love and forgiveness towards one's self, as far as I know, but sometimes, the only way to gain one's own self acceptance is by treating others well, as well and as kindly as one can. Just my two cents.
I like honesty and kindness, give me honesty over "nice" any day much more trustworthy.
 
Agreed that it is a choice. Our actions are governed by what is most important to us. There are various values or concepts that can govern the way we act. These things filter through into our actions.

The exception, in some situations, may be if someone has a serious mental health issue like paranoid schizophrenia.

It sounds like you may have been excusing their behaviour by thinking they were just born like that. Thinking about this differently may be a form of processing for you. and be upsetting to think of it differently.

Although I can imagine situations where nice may be a fear response I think it can also be about caring about others comfort or respecting their boundaries.
 
if I had a "nice" or "calm" default.

So this is one area I am working on. I make a choice to be nice and calm. I am not successful a lot of the time - I haven't met anyone who has that default setting in their personality. At least those that are not medicated anyway. But it is something I keep trying to get to. I have to bc the alternative is just horrible for me and I imagine anyone around me too.
 
Today in therapy I was talking about my family. It started with me commenting about how my family always...

Can I ask a question?

Are you able to feel anger? Are you able to get angry with people?

I ask because my ex was “nice”.... But, it went to a bad place where he couldn’t even stick up for his kids... He would say that he envied how I could get angry and let it go quickly because he had underlying issues with not being able to let go of anger. It was irritating how he just couldn’t show anger. He had glowing things to say about his ex, never anything even remotely angry even though she treated him like shit. I’m not saying over the top anger is a good thing, but when you can’t even be angry at people in a healthy way, that’s a big problem!

Anger isn’t bad....Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. I agree that “nice” is a fawn response for many, and it irritates the hell out of me how those who do the fawn/nice thing get away with it and everyone thinks they’re so great because they are “nice”! But it’s not a genuine “nice”. It’s only being nice so people like you, and not because you’re a person who does it out of the kindness of their heart!

I’m not presuming what your situation is like OP.

I like that Kind bar commercial. It lays out how it’s better to be KIND than NICE! Lol.
 
Interesting topic

I think certain personality types are more fluent with courtesies and better able to access within and express outwardly what society considers "nice". I think there are different definitions based on how people interpret... e.g., a person ending a relationship quickly may consider that kinder than dragging things out to cater to someone's feelings. It all depends. Kindness is subjective...

I think about Myers Briggs when I consider this topic. Logical, thinking types tend to come off more cold and unemotional while feeling, perceiving types tend to come off as immature and childish. But those interpretations aren't necessarily the truth. Our brains have preferences and different styles that are a mixture of what we learn and what we inherit. This needs to be examined on an individual basis before arriving to a harsh conclusion...

Also considering that how people relare to those we consider closest to us (family) is different. How people express themselves relates to a sense of comfort. Example: I'd tell my mom to shut up but never an acquaintance. It seems harsh but feels entirely casual and merited with how we relate to each other. Again, kindness can be subjective. Just be mindful of making harsh character judgements. Stay balanced.
 
Just because someone is nice doesn't make that person "good".

This!!!!

Also @EveHarrington i agree on the healthy anger ; I am striving very much for that. But I would say nice and fawn are different. I fawn in trauma response certainly. But it wasn’t to be ‘liked’ it was to be safe, to buy time, to stay alive. In general I am not a popularity seeker and say things I mean : I do try to say things not unkindly, again, not to be liked but rather to be best heard and most effective and least harmful. I am a strong believer in honesty and my fawning put me out of honesty and I find this very difficult to forgive in my self
 
To clarify, I meant that nice can be fawn, but it’s not necessarily the case always.


Thanks for clarifying!

I think some people are just nice. I think these people are blessed. I am also more skeptical of this in the last year; I thoroughly believed it of my rapist until the weekend of my rape when all kinds of skeletons came out of the closet :(
 
I think that genuinely nice people are 3D and display a range of emotions. These kinds of people...

Yes.
I wonder about post trauma. I have noted that I have two modes under pressure now. If I feel safe I will be quite adamant and far more closed minded. Not because I want to be but because my mind simply cannot take on information at the rate it used to. Or I will switch off and be numb / nice.

I wonder sometimes if a lot of society is sort of .... over exposed and switched off when they ‘nice it up’ in a two dimensional way like that? There must be a cause for it?
 
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