Relationship New Girlfriend Has Ptsd And Is Upset, Need Advice

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh.....I thought they were *just* friends. Well half of my reply is now void.... There may have been no feelings on your end but I have a feeling there may have been some on their end.

[When someone says "friend" I just assume nothing sexual ever happened, because I have had quite a few guy friends over the years and make sure that line isn't crossed as to not turn things weird.]

I can understand why your new girl might not like them. Females can oftentimes pick up on the "you want my man" vibe even when the guy who is the target of affection is a bit clueless. Maybe this is what's happening?

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I can understand why your new girl might not like them. Females can oftentimes pick up on the "you want my man" vibe even when the guy who is the target of affection is a bit clueless. Maybe this is what's happening?

She NAILED it!

 

[bell]

First honest thought here: ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!

Second thought, are you doing this because you need validation and attention? Because going on a camping trip with your new girlfriend and two people that you have kissed in the past is something you either do if you're an idiot* or are insecure.

The main thing for them was seeing that this new girl made me happier than they ever did and they could see it.

HOLD UP... You took your new girlfriend on a camping trip with two exes to show them how much you like this new girl and weren't right for them?!

*As in not realizing people have feelings, even if you just kissed. Something happened in the past to warrant some romantic feelings, so why would you put your new girlfriend (who you already know has PTSD) in this terrible mindf*ck of a situation?

 

[Nam]

PTSD and relationships is quite hard. She is trying to figure out how to fit you and her PTSD in her life. Maybe that is all she can handle right now? She may need more time to accumulate the trust and figure out how her PTSD stands with you. When that seems to regulate, then she may be able to bring more friends or a friend into the picture. Just take it really slow. After she meets new people, she may need processing time. She may need you to help her with that processing. I have a feeling a lot went on in the trip (in her mind) and she needed to talk to you about it or at least just be able to feel like she had the opportunity to. She just didn't safe enough to do so. And that makes it spiral into self-doubt that maybe she's overreacting because you don't see it....So my point is, take a it slow. When new friends come into the picture, allow plenty of opportunities to talk about it and for her to process it.

 

[StarChild]

you either do if you're an idiot* or are insecure.

Or a very egocentric guy. Maybe even a little narcissist?.. (I LOVE your post @bell)

even when the guy who is the target of affection is a bit clueless.

Oh, I don't think he is clueless, read:

The main thing for them was seeing that this new girl made me happier than they ever did and they could see it. I guess they both got a bit insecure about what they meant to me.

Well then, what do they mean to you?.. This sounds as if you would very enjoy the fact, that you let them in the dark...

I see a ton of red flags with every single sentence you wrote! Red flags about you and your attitude towards women. AND: I would drop you on the spot! Every woman deserves much more than an immature, "take-all-you-want" kind of guy! Goodbye dude!

 

[TLight]

Ease up....sometimes guys don't think things through. I was with a true narcissist and that's a very strong statement.

If you are going to be with her.....her trust issues need to be taken into account. I agree, not a good idea to take her on a trip with two 'exs'...even if it was just a kiss. The tension could probably be felt with her and sent her over the top of her stress cup.
If you truly want a relationship with her......you are going to have to use your head and put her needs ahead of your own seemingly harmless needs......please think, because if you don't, this could be extremely triggering and damaging to her. Speaking from experience.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

The main thing for them was seeing that this new girl made me happier than they ever did and they could see it. I guess they both got a bit insecure about what they meant to me.

After reading @TreeHugger comment it actually makes it sound like you only took your girlfriend there to make them jealous. That IS how YOU worded it. Nobody put those words in your mouth. In fact, how old are you, because that seems very high school!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whoops. I keep missing key parts of the info provided...

Its quite obvious now that there were feelings involved with these other two women, and I think you know that. I mean you make the statement that you were close with them awhile ago, they are insecure about your relationship with them, and you know they can see that the new girl makes you happier than either one of them did.

It is INCREDIBLY hard to be friends with ex's, and now you know why. Ex's have a tendency to stir things up when you start a new relationship. No, not all ex's, but many of them. Its hard to leave those "more than friends" feelings behind, and I don't think that either of your ex's have 'friends only' feelings for you. Unfortunately in life you oftentimes have to make a choice between your past and your future. Do you want to hold on to friendships with women who still see you in a romantic light or do you want to move forward with someone new who makes you happier than they ever could?

[Holy crap, I just had a breakthrough of my own! I just realized this is what an old "friend" of mine has done to me numerous times over the past few years. There were unrequited feelings for a number of years (toward me, I didn't feel the same). Now it all makes sense.... I don't even think my friend consciously realized what they were doing....]

 

[Slartibartfast]

Wow this thread is spiraling out of control at an alarming pace.

I do not deny that I am an idiot who didn't think everything through and I might exhibit a few narcissistic personality traits but don't think I can be truly classified as a narcissist (after a quick wikipedia check I would put my money on avoidant personality disorder but I no longer exhibit several important symptoms which I did before). It was definitely NOT my intention to rub my new girl in anyone's face. My prime motivation for taking her along was having a good time with her and giving her an opportunity to make some new friends. I only found out about her PTSD the night before we left when everything was already planned so it was hard to take that into account. Had I known earlier I definitely wouldn't have taken her.

Regarding my "exes", neither of them have ever expressed interest in a relationship or anything of the sort, we kissed when we were drunk (yes this was right after leaving high school, stuff like that happens when you're young) and have been non-sexual friends after that for quite a long time. As far as I could see there were no romantic feelings from either side (but I'm still a long way from figuring out people, and women in particular, so I could be wrong).

I have made it clear to both of them multiple times how much I appreciate the friendship but I'm the kind of person that doesn't say these things explicitly very often, if even at all, so they might feel this is not enough for them. It was never my intention and I certainly didn't enjoy keeping them in the dark, I'm just not good at saying stuff like that. I figured most of the information I gave you out after the trip by talking to them, had I known this in advance I would have handled it differently.

After reading all your replies multiple times I must agree with your conclusion, she felt a "you want my man" vibe and felt I was betraying her trust. This actually makes a lot of pieces fall into place. I will try to build up some trust again (if she will still talk to me), take it really slow and make sure to avoid situations like this. Thank you all for your replies this is helping me a lot, you are all providing insights I would have never reached on my own. Have a good evening/night!

 

[Amalia]

I feel for you, and the depth of emotion in the responses, and how true or distorted some of them may be, shows that life in the world of PTSD is always complex and strongly opinioned. Yes, you made a stupid decision. But I also know the culture of the netherlands, where things are a little more chillaxed. It`s more similar to Scandinavia than the US or UK in that way - hence the switching from somebody you just kissed to an `ex` on their part.
You did only find out the night before. You were naive. Bloody stupid, yes. And yes, if you did have an inkling that these women might react because they saw you so much happier with this new girl than with them, then yes, that would have hurt them. And yes, women are the same globally.
The issue here is, how real are your friendships with these women? Because I have male friends, and I am only delighted for them when I see they are in love. You want the best for your friends, remember? I don`t think it`s the case with these two ladies.

Having PTSd I have realised, does mean that ... the relationships I have are often painful for my partner. Because the nature of PTSD knocks partners down, and makes them raw. They then need to re-build on the inside. But. We choose well. People who ... kind of need that in a way.

So you have some decisions to make. But yes, here, the friendships don`t seem that real. It`s up to you my dear. Best of luck.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Update, for those of you that are interested.

You were right, as I expected. The issue was that I didn't tell my friends that they weren't entitled to my attention and if they were real friends they would accept that most of my attention was focused elsewhere , which I definitely should have done. It took me a while to pick up on it but I know now that a negative attitude like they had is something I should not accept and address immediately. I have talked to a good friend about it (he was on the trip as well) and he said he didn't have any issues and agreed that they should not feel 'jealous'.

The universe smiled upon my fate, I got another chance and am obviously very happy about that. I talked to my friends and explained them that they should not feel threatened and should not act that way. One of them understood, not 100% sure about the other one so I might have to distance myself from her slightly. Thank you for your advice, I guess I will probably see you around here in the future.