Blueyedgirl, I must agree with Nicolette. From what you described in your last post he does not seem very interested. Now whether that has something to do with his PTSD being largely untreated or it is simply him, it is difficult to say, however does it really matter? I would most definitely not make any decisions or sacrifices regarding him at this time. If you wish to move back, do so because wish to be with all your friends, however not because of him! I agree with Nicolette that backing off to see what happens is likely best. Take good care.
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General New Here - Long Distance Relationship with PTSD
- Post starter blueeyedgirl
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- #14
blueeyedgirl
Bronze Member
I can certainly see how this would appear to on-lookers (as him being disinterested) and truly value the advice.
Later in the evening, he called me back - as if everything was perfect; even had an excitement to his voice. Naturally, I just chose to roll with it, and not bring up whatever weirdness had happened earlier. I again reiterated my decision to move back (just to make sure he knew I wasn't flip flopping) based on missing those closest to me, period; and that I was really excited about it. He seemed the same.
I asked how his meds were going and he opened up...alot. And, somehow, I did, too. I told him of how I'd been struggling with my own depression this week. He said that it was strange for him to hear me talk like that - to basically echo his feelings of doom sometimes. I even heard him sniffle a bit! Shortly after, the subject turned lighter, but it was with some sense of appreciation for each other. I think I've been so wrapped up in trying to be this stable, perfect person that it's begun to frustrate him - he can't relate - and me - I can't keep up with my own facade. Most people would never know (from meeting me) that I have a difficult time even wanting to wake up some days. I finally shared it with a man in my life - aside from a doctor - and it seems to have made things better.
I just hope it all stays good for a while...
Later in the evening, he called me back - as if everything was perfect; even had an excitement to his voice. Naturally, I just chose to roll with it, and not bring up whatever weirdness had happened earlier. I again reiterated my decision to move back (just to make sure he knew I wasn't flip flopping) based on missing those closest to me, period; and that I was really excited about it. He seemed the same.
I asked how his meds were going and he opened up...alot. And, somehow, I did, too. I told him of how I'd been struggling with my own depression this week. He said that it was strange for him to hear me talk like that - to basically echo his feelings of doom sometimes. I even heard him sniffle a bit! Shortly after, the subject turned lighter, but it was with some sense of appreciation for each other. I think I've been so wrapped up in trying to be this stable, perfect person that it's begun to frustrate him - he can't relate - and me - I can't keep up with my own facade. Most people would never know (from meeting me) that I have a difficult time even wanting to wake up some days. I finally shared it with a man in my life - aside from a doctor - and it seems to have made things better.
I just hope it all stays good for a while...
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
To me, this comment says it all! Is that what you want to settle for?
pastrychefarmywife
Bronze Member
i am only new here, but not new to the dating era. I don't know if the PTSD has anything to do with his personality. He verymuch seems to play to your emotions, if you get upset, then he waits, calls, and makes you feel better, so they you call , he don't return them, you get upset, he waits, calls, ..... do you see the routine. i only say this because i have been the 'third party' in many of my sister and my mothers relationships. just watching from the 'outside', seeing what emotional rollercoaster they are on, and when i say something, it comes out as 'i am the bad guy'.
i hope that he gets his therapy, but first, think of yourself. you have to fix yourself before you can help him. I would start going to a local crafting session, or scrapbooking, something you really like. I am sure that there things in your area that you like. OR try something totally new!! if you never gardened, get a potted garden that sits on a window seal! it is quite amazing to see those little things grow!!
i really hope i haven't offended you, but i want you to realize that you are more important right now, take care of yourself first. Then you can help him.
i hope that he gets his therapy, but first, think of yourself. you have to fix yourself before you can help him. I would start going to a local crafting session, or scrapbooking, something you really like. I am sure that there things in your area that you like. OR try something totally new!! if you never gardened, get a potted garden that sits on a window seal! it is quite amazing to see those little things grow!!
i really hope i haven't offended you, but i want you to realize that you are more important right now, take care of yourself first. Then you can help him.
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- #18
blueeyedgirl
Bronze Member
Pastrychef - You spoke as though you knew us. You're right - our relationship has had a long history of doing that push/pull. And he does seem to find some kind of enjoyment out of provoking my emotions. Although, he'd deny it.
Just the other day, when he called (he's been distant for going on a month now) and he said that he knew I was mad at him for having not called latley. I just said that I've been very busy (I go to school part time and work full time). It was as if he wanted me to be upset with him.
Anyway, in the course of the conversation, he tells me that he's been taking steroids to get more muscle. Said he's been doing it for about a month. I try not to freak (though I am on the inside!) and ask him why he'd want to do that. He explained that he's only doing it for himself, that he's hit a plateau physically, and wants to get over that, that he'll only be doing it for 12 weeks. I'm still extremely concerned, I tell him. He then tells me that he's only joking, he hasn't started yet, but that he is going to start doing them, and not to worry - that his other friends have had no side effects. If he has been doing them, than that could explain the change in him. But in my mind, I can only image that wrestler, Chris Benoit, who killed his wife, son and himself because of 'roid rage'. No doubt the presence of anti depressants and anti anxiety in his body only triggered something for him to come unhinged like that. In this same conversation, he'd also told me that that morning he'd called in late to work because he was suffering from a late night out with friends the night before. This is the third time his called in within a month! But, he seems to not even notice or care. Thinks its ok, I suppose.
Well, I'd had bought myself half of a ticket the other day to visit him for v-day (told him that he could by the other half, but he said he didn't have the money, so if I could pay for it, he'd pay me back. I wasn't thrilled at all, but silently agreed). I haven't been able to find another decently priced one-way, so I msged him the next day telling him that I don't think that the visit will work out. He barely responds to that. I question what he means, and he doesn't reply. Doesn't even seemed concerned that I'm not coming.
After not hearing from him later that night, I msg him again telling him that this feels like its turn into games with him. He replies, "if you say so". I told him that he hasn't told me for weeks now how he feels, so how am I supposed to feel about that? He doesn't reply. That was Friday night. It's Sunday. Somehow I don't expect to hear from him until tomorrow or Tuesday. I feel like he's waiting me out.
My question in all this is: Is this anything remotely closed to behavior associated with ptsd? Or is he just being a game playing ass? In the beginning he tried to assure me that he was not about games, that he knew what he wanted, and he wanted me. Now it just seems to be the fartherest from the truth...
Just the other day, when he called (he's been distant for going on a month now) and he said that he knew I was mad at him for having not called latley. I just said that I've been very busy (I go to school part time and work full time). It was as if he wanted me to be upset with him.
Anyway, in the course of the conversation, he tells me that he's been taking steroids to get more muscle. Said he's been doing it for about a month. I try not to freak (though I am on the inside!) and ask him why he'd want to do that. He explained that he's only doing it for himself, that he's hit a plateau physically, and wants to get over that, that he'll only be doing it for 12 weeks. I'm still extremely concerned, I tell him. He then tells me that he's only joking, he hasn't started yet, but that he is going to start doing them, and not to worry - that his other friends have had no side effects. If he has been doing them, than that could explain the change in him. But in my mind, I can only image that wrestler, Chris Benoit, who killed his wife, son and himself because of 'roid rage'. No doubt the presence of anti depressants and anti anxiety in his body only triggered something for him to come unhinged like that. In this same conversation, he'd also told me that that morning he'd called in late to work because he was suffering from a late night out with friends the night before. This is the third time his called in within a month! But, he seems to not even notice or care. Thinks its ok, I suppose.
Well, I'd had bought myself half of a ticket the other day to visit him for v-day (told him that he could by the other half, but he said he didn't have the money, so if I could pay for it, he'd pay me back. I wasn't thrilled at all, but silently agreed). I haven't been able to find another decently priced one-way, so I msged him the next day telling him that I don't think that the visit will work out. He barely responds to that. I question what he means, and he doesn't reply. Doesn't even seemed concerned that I'm not coming.
After not hearing from him later that night, I msg him again telling him that this feels like its turn into games with him. He replies, "if you say so". I told him that he hasn't told me for weeks now how he feels, so how am I supposed to feel about that? He doesn't reply. That was Friday night. It's Sunday. Somehow I don't expect to hear from him until tomorrow or Tuesday. I feel like he's waiting me out.
My question in all this is: Is this anything remotely closed to behavior associated with ptsd? Or is he just being a game playing ass? In the beginning he tried to assure me that he was not about games, that he knew what he wanted, and he wanted me. Now it just seems to be the fartherest from the truth...
Sairadance
New Here
Hi there! I am new to the forum and it was a relief to read your post. My relationship in far newer than yours but has a similar thread. My boyfriend has had help previously and is on meds..but could use therapy again. The long distance is very difficult for me as well. I have been told so far, that giving him distance is good, but how did you keep your mind together while you were wondering if it was over?? I need help with that. I think it's awesome that you have stuck in there.
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- #22
blueeyedgirl
Bronze Member
Saira, welcome! I am rather new as well, and this has been a great place to really get some insight.
I'm sorry to hear about your issues, but perhaps there is a trend here ... that this weird behavior is ptsd related, and that these men aren't just jerks who are playing games. To be honest, I have moved on. I haven't heard from him in about two weeks. Any contact I've attempted to make with him has been futile and I am simply unable to keep throwing myself under the bus. There comes a point when you have to respect yourself enough to say enough and walk away.
If you don't mind sharing, what's been going on with you and your boyfriend?
I'm sorry to hear about your issues, but perhaps there is a trend here ... that this weird behavior is ptsd related, and that these men aren't just jerks who are playing games. To be honest, I have moved on. I haven't heard from him in about two weeks. Any contact I've attempted to make with him has been futile and I am simply unable to keep throwing myself under the bus. There comes a point when you have to respect yourself enough to say enough and walk away.
If you don't mind sharing, what's been going on with you and your boyfriend?
Sairadance
New Here
Hello again. I am sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. I do think you made a wise decision and Kudos to you for taking care of yourself. Life is meant to be lived with joy, why do we cut ourselves short? I'm not minimizing the hurt and pain involved here....honest. You are a very brave woman and I thank you for sharing.
My BF is a cop and was undercover for years. Too long. He has had help but still has a ways to go. When he feels good, man oh man, look out! LOL. his parents and i are close and go snowshoeing every weekend. We all miss him. I'm not sure where all this will go seeing as it's still pretty new, but hey, I'm 40 and he's 37, we're not kids we seem to be so compatiable in so many ways. I am very affectionate, as well as he, in the beginning that is. When the stressors came, he started to shut down slowly. I didn't get it..but I am learnig. God I hope I haven't blown it! Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Hope things go well for you..you deserve happiness.
My BF is a cop and was undercover for years. Too long. He has had help but still has a ways to go. When he feels good, man oh man, look out! LOL. his parents and i are close and go snowshoeing every weekend. We all miss him. I'm not sure where all this will go seeing as it's still pretty new, but hey, I'm 40 and he's 37, we're not kids we seem to be so compatiable in so many ways. I am very affectionate, as well as he, in the beginning that is. When the stressors came, he started to shut down slowly. I didn't get it..but I am learnig. God I hope I haven't blown it! Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Hope things go well for you..you deserve happiness.
pastrychefarmywife
Bronze Member
sorry it took me so long to reply to you blueeyed,
i have seen this senerio many many times, my mom comes from a extremely abusive past, and my sister as well. its easy as the 'odd ball' looking into a relation ship that i know was bad, but i was made the 'bad' one, getting in between my sister and her bf, or my mom and her bf. at one point, i saw my mom being druged by her car, her boyfriend had stolen her car, and she tried to get it back and he drove off, her attached by the seatbelt. she was drugged 100ft. my sister, i saw him literally 'brainwash' her. it was sickening. He would beat her, she would tell us that she rain into the door knob, hello!
I think that in your head, you know you need to move on, but your heart says no, he is a good person, when he isn't in his moods. and well, seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life, wondering what 'mood' he will be in when you call, or if you were to get married, when he comes home?
it is harder to move on than to stay in the relationship. your comfortable, regardless, you know his mood will eventually leave, and you get the 'happy' time together.
weither he really does have ptsd, or just playing games, he won't ever admit to you.
just think of it this way, you could be with someone that has 'happy ' times all the time, instead of guessing all the time.
i hate to be mean, and just 'lay it out' but you deserve better. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!
feel free to email me if you want, just message me here, then i will send you my email.
i hope you are feeling better, i am sure, once you make a adjustment in the relationship part of your life, you will see other things get better as well!!!!!!
i have seen this senerio many many times, my mom comes from a extremely abusive past, and my sister as well. its easy as the 'odd ball' looking into a relation ship that i know was bad, but i was made the 'bad' one, getting in between my sister and her bf, or my mom and her bf. at one point, i saw my mom being druged by her car, her boyfriend had stolen her car, and she tried to get it back and he drove off, her attached by the seatbelt. she was drugged 100ft. my sister, i saw him literally 'brainwash' her. it was sickening. He would beat her, she would tell us that she rain into the door knob, hello!
I think that in your head, you know you need to move on, but your heart says no, he is a good person, when he isn't in his moods. and well, seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life, wondering what 'mood' he will be in when you call, or if you were to get married, when he comes home?
it is harder to move on than to stay in the relationship. your comfortable, regardless, you know his mood will eventually leave, and you get the 'happy' time together.
weither he really does have ptsd, or just playing games, he won't ever admit to you.
just think of it this way, you could be with someone that has 'happy ' times all the time, instead of guessing all the time.
i hate to be mean, and just 'lay it out' but you deserve better. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!
feel free to email me if you want, just message me here, then i will send you my email.
i hope you are feeling better, i am sure, once you make a adjustment in the relationship part of your life, you will see other things get better as well!!!!!!
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