General New Here - Long Distance Relationship with PTSD

[Kathy]

Very well said Pastrychef!

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

ty kathy. i just hate seeing people go thru this pattern, its soooo hard to try to show them what its like from the 'outside'.

 

[samsara]

Sorry babe, he's playing games. He is being a selfish nightmare, and it's almost like he's getting off on making you feel as down as him -- that's not your shit, it's his.

Listen, I think the reason you can't get on with your new career life is because your head is so obsessed with what he is doing, how he is feeling, when he will next call, what does that message mean etc etc. I have been in your position, and as soon as I decided to look around at my life, I relised I was so much better off without him. I grieved, I got sad, depressed for a while. But I kept busy, and discovered life again and I'm sooo happy for it. I am a sucess now, career wise, physically, mentally. It was only after I left that guy that another door opened a year later to the guy I love now, and has PTSD, and he always treats me with respect and allows for my insecurities and respects my need for communication.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Concentrate on yourself. If it is meant to be, he will sort his shit out, but I recommend you leave him for now, and concentrate on yourself -- he's making you feel like shit and you don't deserve to. Take some responsibility for your own happiness babe.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Thank you Samsara!

Well, I did hear from him last night...

About 3 weeks ago, I'd sent him a text asking him to just let me know he's ok.

LAST NIGHT he msgs me, "Still alive here, thanks for asking"

I didn't know how to respond.... I mean, THREE weeks? It's like he wants to ignore the fact that he's been MIA and just move on. So, I responded, "k". Was that mean???

 

[Nicolette]

No, Blueeyedgirl, saying you are ok only is not mean.

The question I ask you is this (which I have asked you before).... is this really the type of relationship you want? Do you deserve a text message once every 3 weeks or do you deserve more? You have a say in this relationship too!

Sorry to be so harsh but I honestly think you need to seriously ask yourself these questions. I understand love and all that entails but at what price? You only have one shot at life so please think about your happiness too.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

I know that I deserve more. And if this is what a relationship with him means, than I don't want it. However, I did have a relationship with him (when we first met, before I moved away) that was healthy and open. It only seems like his ptsd has worsened to such a degree that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship at this point.

The thing is, I remember those good times before the ptsd got bad and really started to show, and I know that he can be a really kind person. We had fun and it was great. But, little by little, he's changed into this person that I don't necessarily like all the time.

Even still, I do care...too much. And I want the best for him. I want him to get healthy. And if he does call (bc I'm not going to), then I'm going to tell him straight out that he needs therapy. Meds only mask the issue, making him think he's fine. And, obviously he's not.

 

[samsara]

Nostalgia can play some awful tricks on us when it comes to wanting love and wanting to be loved. What he used to be like and what he is capable of being like and what he is actually like appear to be particularly divorced from one another. Don't do that lame woman thing we all do - "Oh but he used to be so sweet, we used to be great" Wise up, it's past tense, full stop.

You really need to give your life where you are a good shot. stop worrying about him, he's being a game playing prick. PTSD or not, the way he is behaving is just pain immature and attention/pity seeking.You really need to concentrate on your own life. Start looking after yourself, wallowing in the possibilities of what could have been will leave you emotionally paralysed, it's not worth it. Look after yourself, to be blunt -- Get your own life and start to enjoy it. Sounds like you have a great job there, you're still quite young and there are endless possibilities there, start a yoga class, photography class, a sport, anything to get your mind off him and meet new people in this new lease on life you have.

Pay reverence to what Nicolette above me mentioned, you only get one chance at this thing called life and its up to you to enjoy it for all it's worth. There is a better man out there for you, there really really is. Now concentrate on your life there, I bet you really have not given it a proper shot because you have been so caught up in your boyfriends selfish manipulative world. he's no good for you or anyone right now. Don't wait in hope, do something about yourself, you're worth more than this crap.

As Beth Orton so eloquently put it in her song Comfort of Strangers:

"I'd rather have no love than messing with the wrong stuff".

Nuff said.

 

[Nicolette]

Good and valid points Samsara. I agree with a lot of what you have written.

Personally though, the one differring thought I do have is that I believe "it is better to have loved than not loved at all"....giving and receiving love is a wonderful thing. I do not however encourage staying in a relationship where you are not treated with respect nor have any of your needs met. If someone truely loved you they would not treat you like a doormat unless they have a really warped way of showing it.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Well I did it!

I sent him an email telling him to go to therapy. Told him that he didn't need a relationship. Told him that he needs ... well heck, I'm so proud of myself....here it is!

"I'd call, but I honestly don't feel like it. This is really more than you deserve from me. So, let's call this closure.

Am I still moving down? Does it matter? I asked, but of course you chose not to respond.

You: Said you wanted to try again. Said nice things. Things that made me smile. Little by little, you stopped saying those nice things. Until you did stop. Only to respond to a concern for your well-being weeks later. Weeks way too late for me. Go to therapy. Medication alone is not a solution. Learn to like yourself. Learn to like others. Learn to stop being angry. Learn to be happy alone. Learn to give more than you take. Maybe then, you will be ready for anything close to what a relationship requires. Because, in the world of adult relationships, open communication, giving and compromise are necessities.

I'm sure the very thought of doing the things said above will make you want to do the opposite. But, just know that your unhappiness is ultimately your responsibility."

Thanks to you all for giving me the strength to say these things!!

 

[Nicolette]

Well done Blueeyedgirl in making a decision. While you now have said your peace, it is important that you follow through and look after yourself. If it is closure, then take the time to find it for yourself and move on...if that is what you truly want.

Take care.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

i have to admit - it *is* closure for me...as long as it's closure for him. meaning, there is part of me that is waiting for him to come back around. i wish that there wasn't. but, because it's been 2 yrs of back and forth, part of me wonders if it really is over... and, if he really does love me, wouldn't he fight to keep me? or is the ptsd too strong? ugh, i dunno...

...not to mention, i just got laid off, so now i'm moving back to georgia in three weeks and only hrs away from him by car. i've not told him.

 

[samsara]

THAT.IS.AMAZING!

I got all choked up with pride for you. You must feel like you've taken your self respect back, I bet it feels strong!.

That is excellent. Don't let him manipulate that either. He may do it with silence or words. Just be sure of your decision and move on into your life there. Sounds like you have some great opportunities you need to explore.

WELL DONE! xxxxx