The Albatross
VIP Member
Hi Forum... I am new, reading along... just starting to realize that underneath my recovery from alcohol abuse are unresolved issues that might better be addressed here. I am one of those "fly under the radar" types, however I am situationally depressed (I was diagnosed moderate to severe) but not clinically depressed. Have not able to sustain abstinance from alcohol or nicotine (but have had two good runs 3 1/2 years and 11/2 year, with 5 free from nicotine). I only did two stints in counseling but neither were for PTSD related to child abuse and trauma. I was also molested at 14 by an adult... and as a young woman was a victim of three sexual assaults/rape, and am a product of both child and marital domestic abuse (an extremely violent first marriage).
I have resisted mood inhibiters, I learned very early on I have an addictive personality and have a healthy fear of drugs and Rx meds. I have been drug free since my very early 20's. I am exploring a way to deal with the trauma/guilt/shame/rage and feeling of disconnectedness that persists in my daily life. At my worst I was actively isolating in my home, afraid to even check my mail box at the end of the driveway. I've made some gains reintegrating, though still feel uncomfortable. "Chronically uncomfortable" is what I call my daily life and interactions with others, at work, with my family or even at church.
I have had episodes of "lost time", and DID type responses to pain or fright... episodes that surprised me, like an allergy test at a doctors office... where I was "in the room", could "see" the room, I could hear myself speak but had no idea what I was saying, and could hear the doc or nurse reply but it sounded muffled, like underwater and I couldn't understand it. I had no body sensation... couldn't feel the needles and a 25 minute test seemed to me to be over in 5 minutes... I had no concept of time. I guess it's a self protecting mechanism I developed from pain. If I had them before being in recovery for alcohol, I don't recall them. But I've had 4 episodes in the last 6 months.
Got triggered several days ago... a card from a childhood friend who had been trying to contact me previously, but when she started talking about visits, I cut it off. I have avoided people, and places... walling off a large part of my childhood. When someone or even a word pops... Wham... it's fight/freeze/ or flee... and it is hard to manage on my own. Glad to have found this forum.
So I'm looking to learn about PTSD, emotional trauma, and find some way to heal... 50 sounds late to start this process, since the abuse occurred from my childhood through to 26... but I thought I could manage it... and I don't think that anymore.
Thanks for being here.
I have resisted mood inhibiters, I learned very early on I have an addictive personality and have a healthy fear of drugs and Rx meds. I have been drug free since my very early 20's. I am exploring a way to deal with the trauma/guilt/shame/rage and feeling of disconnectedness that persists in my daily life. At my worst I was actively isolating in my home, afraid to even check my mail box at the end of the driveway. I've made some gains reintegrating, though still feel uncomfortable. "Chronically uncomfortable" is what I call my daily life and interactions with others, at work, with my family or even at church.
I have had episodes of "lost time", and DID type responses to pain or fright... episodes that surprised me, like an allergy test at a doctors office... where I was "in the room", could "see" the room, I could hear myself speak but had no idea what I was saying, and could hear the doc or nurse reply but it sounded muffled, like underwater and I couldn't understand it. I had no body sensation... couldn't feel the needles and a 25 minute test seemed to me to be over in 5 minutes... I had no concept of time. I guess it's a self protecting mechanism I developed from pain. If I had them before being in recovery for alcohol, I don't recall them. But I've had 4 episodes in the last 6 months.
Got triggered several days ago... a card from a childhood friend who had been trying to contact me previously, but when she started talking about visits, I cut it off. I have avoided people, and places... walling off a large part of my childhood. When someone or even a word pops... Wham... it's fight/freeze/ or flee... and it is hard to manage on my own. Glad to have found this forum.
So I'm looking to learn about PTSD, emotional trauma, and find some way to heal... 50 sounds late to start this process, since the abuse occurred from my childhood through to 26... but I thought I could manage it... and I don't think that anymore.
Thanks for being here.
