Morning everyone, Well that's what it is in Australia. I had the treatment for PSTD in 2015 doing the lengthy hard road too Cognitive Processing Therapy the hardest 6mths, most of my life thinking it was completely normal to feel jumpy, sad, angry, night terror's, flash backs, anxious, nervous, pain, scared and always on the defence against anything an everyone which taught myself to become numb blocking everything out an gaining a lot of weight " which I'm yet to tackle " that's my next challenge.
I'm 41 years old had the treatment and now its a " new normal " where my body is able to feel but these feelings make me more scared then living the trauma everyday something I was so completely routine by everyday, I'm extremely lucky I've got a fantastic supportive family and friends that walked through this process with me, but today I've woken up looked at my son's wedding photo's and went wow I've let this darkness take over my body feeling disgusting esp. wondering how my husband could even look at me, I still have bad day's were I don't know where I belong in this life. I watch people get up for work and face the day, I'm just proud of myself when I actually make it through a day without flash backs " sad but true " I sit on my lounge hoping even though this "new normal" I might be feeling better see some sort of light that will motivate me to move and be grateful I alive and survived...
I am actually a survivor of many type's of abuse, but started when I was 7-8years old I was sexually abused by my uncle who's recently April 2016 just gone to Jail for 18years for myself and other young survivors another long battle but I made it too the end of the process, I thought the day he got he's fate after not been believed, he's karma would make me feel at peace, but I just carry so much guilt. The man that took away my innocence without my permission was finally behind bars 33years is a long wait.
When I met my first boyfriend I became sexually active straight away. Sex wasn’t enjoyable and it always left me feeling ashamed, dirty and exposed. My self-worth wasn’t strong enough to know I was worth someone waiting for me, My self-esteem was shattered that I became pregnant at 16years old. I was a teenager having a baby and your actions made me feel worthless.
In the next years, I entered into relationships that were completely unhealthy. I settled for men that smoked drugs, drank alcohol & were sexually, physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. Again, this is what I thought I deserved. My childhood had been taken away and I didn’t get too do the normal teenager stuff.
By the time I was 24 years old I was unhappily married with 4 children to 2 different father’s, one of my children Joshua Bradly " Stillborn " 98. My body over those years has been crying out for help. I gained a lot of weight for protection I can only think how my life could have been different, but left me feeling unsafe, violated, dirty, angry, sad, hurting & disassociated from my life.
Over the years I attended several psychologist, counsellors & physiatrist. It was in 2005 when I was sexually assaulted by a man I knew when I was 18years old, I was now 30years old it was 5hours 33mins of complete devastating pain, leaving my body allowing him to do whatever he wanted just so I could get home to my beautiful children, over the next few year's I lived for my children but in denial and in 2007 I met my angel, my now husband Luke Lindsey, I was this overweight bubbly, singing, caring and loving person but Luke could see the pain behind my eyes and I was like a onion he took each layer away with caution teaching me I deserved nothing but the best, and also taught me it’s alright to feel weak because I had felt strong for too long. This man showed me that I no longer had to be ashamed, hiding my past and I was able to live my life to the best I could....
After all this is said an done...how are you meant to move too your next chapter, you wake up your children are married, having children...it was like you blink your eyes and its gone those precious moments that at the time you couldn't enjoy.....
Thanks' for taking the time to read my post :)
I'm 41 years old had the treatment and now its a " new normal " where my body is able to feel but these feelings make me more scared then living the trauma everyday something I was so completely routine by everyday, I'm extremely lucky I've got a fantastic supportive family and friends that walked through this process with me, but today I've woken up looked at my son's wedding photo's and went wow I've let this darkness take over my body feeling disgusting esp. wondering how my husband could even look at me, I still have bad day's were I don't know where I belong in this life. I watch people get up for work and face the day, I'm just proud of myself when I actually make it through a day without flash backs " sad but true " I sit on my lounge hoping even though this "new normal" I might be feeling better see some sort of light that will motivate me to move and be grateful I alive and survived...
I am actually a survivor of many type's of abuse, but started when I was 7-8years old I was sexually abused by my uncle who's recently April 2016 just gone to Jail for 18years for myself and other young survivors another long battle but I made it too the end of the process, I thought the day he got he's fate after not been believed, he's karma would make me feel at peace, but I just carry so much guilt. The man that took away my innocence without my permission was finally behind bars 33years is a long wait.
When I met my first boyfriend I became sexually active straight away. Sex wasn’t enjoyable and it always left me feeling ashamed, dirty and exposed. My self-worth wasn’t strong enough to know I was worth someone waiting for me, My self-esteem was shattered that I became pregnant at 16years old. I was a teenager having a baby and your actions made me feel worthless.
In the next years, I entered into relationships that were completely unhealthy. I settled for men that smoked drugs, drank alcohol & were sexually, physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. Again, this is what I thought I deserved. My childhood had been taken away and I didn’t get too do the normal teenager stuff.
By the time I was 24 years old I was unhappily married with 4 children to 2 different father’s, one of my children Joshua Bradly " Stillborn " 98. My body over those years has been crying out for help. I gained a lot of weight for protection I can only think how my life could have been different, but left me feeling unsafe, violated, dirty, angry, sad, hurting & disassociated from my life.
Over the years I attended several psychologist, counsellors & physiatrist. It was in 2005 when I was sexually assaulted by a man I knew when I was 18years old, I was now 30years old it was 5hours 33mins of complete devastating pain, leaving my body allowing him to do whatever he wanted just so I could get home to my beautiful children, over the next few year's I lived for my children but in denial and in 2007 I met my angel, my now husband Luke Lindsey, I was this overweight bubbly, singing, caring and loving person but Luke could see the pain behind my eyes and I was like a onion he took each layer away with caution teaching me I deserved nothing but the best, and also taught me it’s alright to feel weak because I had felt strong for too long. This man showed me that I no longer had to be ashamed, hiding my past and I was able to live my life to the best I could....
After all this is said an done...how are you meant to move too your next chapter, you wake up your children are married, having children...it was like you blink your eyes and its gone those precious moments that at the time you couldn't enjoy.....
Thanks' for taking the time to read my post :)
Last edited by a moderator:
