Relationship New Relationship, Recently Shutout. Need Advice

[Anonymous44]

I've never really gone outside of my comfort zone and asked for advice outside of family members, and friends. But this is something new to me, and completely different where I need to reach out and get advice elsewhere. I've recently been shut out by my boyfriend.

Before the shut out, everything was perfect. Conversation was great everyday, day in to day out. No matter what, we were always talking. Either on the phone, or through text. When we were together, everything was also very good.

This relationship with him is a very new one, and a few weeks ago he did tell me about his ptsd. I didn't really know much about it, he explained a little but not much. I decided I was going to still be with him, I didn't want to let this be a reason for me not to be with someone I really truly liked.

Anyway, he went on vacation for a couple of days with his family. When he came back last Friday, on his way home he was texting me the entire time and conversation was great, we even made plans for him to come pick me up after I got off work and maybe go to dinner or something. Well around the time I was about to get done, I texted him and let him know I was almost done. He responded with "I have to go pick the dog up from the kennel, they think she is about to die." I said ok, I'm in no hurry. An hour went by, I texted and said so? He said "waiting for mom to call." Another hour went by, and he finally texted me and said hey I said hey back and he responded with "horrible night." I responded with, so I assumed I should just head home then? And I never heard anything for the rest of the night.

Morning came, and I had nothing from him, which wasn't normal. I always woke up and had a text from him. So I called, he didn't answer. But, he ended up texting me, saying "work, call you on lunch." Again, not normal, he always texted me day in and day out no matter what he was doing. I let it go.

But, I got on Instagram... And I was blocked from his page. My mom wasn't though, the two pictures of me that he had up...were gone. I got upset and sent three messages in a row. Finally, I decided to ask him if something happened that triggered his anxiety. He replied back and said "yes. Just let me get myself back together." I asked if he was still my boyfriend, he said yes. I will call. Well, I let it go.

I never heard from him. Monday came, I was a wreck and just blew up his phone. He never responded until hours later. Texted me and said "I told you I needed space. Please just let me be." I told him I was trying so hard to understand, and asked him if it was time he needed or if he just wanted me to let him go. He said "just give me time."

So I did, three days went by, and I texted him and said "good morning, no response necessary, just wanted to let you know I'm still here for you when you're ready." Never got anything back. Then yesterday I sent him another text, and still nothing. I've been shut out now for a week. I never really knew much about ptsd or that shut outs could happen.

I've been googling it and trying to gather information to help me cope with this. So that's what brings me here. Any help would be appreciated. Is this all normal? I really fell for this guy, and if I wasn't already in deep with him, I probably wouldn't be sticking around. But, I really truly like him. Just need advice. Please help.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, this is normal.

I honestly think that if you want this relationship to work then it would be a good idea to listen to what he says and take him at his word. IME guys are much better at being straight shooters. I think he was completely honest with you when he said he needed space, requested space, and then confirmed that he was still your boyfriend. I think that not honoring his request and blowing up his phone added to his stress cup (good concept, I highly recommend reading up on it)-----and now the isolation period is likely prolonged.

The truth is that PTSD people need space. You were actually fortunate that he requested space and confirmed that he was still your guy. Many of us, myself included, don't give a damn when we need space and just go radio silent, perhaps after a major blow up/push away episode. (You'd think this far in id learn to handle things differently but no-------when in PTSD brain I really don't care about anything but getting space.)

Your needs matter (very much so). I think it would be a good idea to do a serious self assessment. Are you the kind of person who can be ok with your guy asking for space and going for periods of time without hearing from him? If not, then maybe a relationship with a PTSD guy isn't the best thing for you. (I take this approach with friends, too------if a friend cannot be ok with silence, unfortunately they're not the right friend for me.)

I know it's not easy. PTSD is hard to understand. I think it's great that you're reaching out to other people familiar with the disorder. I actually suggest primarily reaching out here------friends and family will oftentimes brand a PTSD person as a jerk (dump him!) when it's a matter of symptoms taking hold. They don't understand the nature of the disorder.

 

[TerriB8511]

I feel for you. I really do. I dated my Marine for 7 months before he started his isolation. We Facetimed and I Love You-ed each other on a Thursday night and on Friday he started pulling away being triggered by an unrelated event. Then within a week I was shutout, he had deleted all of my/our pictures on IG as well, saying it was too hard and stressful. He unfollowed me but I'm still able to see his posts, which I guess is ok for now. Left me with the loves me but can't do this right now.
We've have limited contact for about 5 weeks now. The hardest part for me is watching him carry on like nothing has happened and everything is fine yet all I think about is him. My best advice is stop contact for a period of time. If he's asking for space, give it. I stopped and eventually he reached out. It's a long a tedious process so only you can decide what is too much and what you can cope with. Take care of yourself in the meantime and don't let anyone try and sway you in your own pursuit of what you believe you want. BUT, carry on as though you may have lost him, because you very may well have. It's a harsh fact but it's the truth. Once you accept that, it's easier to cope with the day to day and the uncertainty. If you're unwilling to do that, then you will have a very hard time. Lots of love and hugs. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk. I'm always here.

 

[joeylittle]

So I did, three days went by, and I texted him and said "good morning, no response necessary, just wanted to let you know I'm still here for you when you're ready." Never got anything back. Then yesterday I sent him another text, and still nothing. I've been shut out now for a week. I never really knew much about ptsd or that shut outs could happen.

I'm not saying this to make you feel badly - only to point out something important.

If you are going to send him a message that says, "no pressure, just letting you know I'm here, you don't need to respond" - make sure it's true. It sounds like you actually were fishing for a response. And anyone who is in an overwhelmed stress-state (even without PTSD) will usually be very grateful for a message that says 'you don't have to get back to me'.

Well around the time I was about to get done, I texted him and let him know I was almost done. He responded with "I have to go pick the dog up from the kennel, they think she is about to die." I said ok, I'm in no hurry.

Reading this - there are two things that stand out to me. One, his dog was possibly dying, and you were still thinking that he was going to come to get you? There's some kind of disconnect there. Reading those texts from his side only, he told you the dog was possibly going to die, and your response was, oh it's OK, i'm in no hurry. Not - I'm sorry, can I help, do you need to talk - just 'I can wait'. Honestly? He might need a little more emotional support than you are really into giving right now. And that's a perfectly fine thing.

Another hour went by, and he finally texted me and said hey I said hey back and he responded with "horrible night." I responded with, so I assumed I should just head home then?

If this was texted to me, I would probably not respond, either.

I'm sorry, this is probably sounding harsher than I mean it to - but did you express any concern or empathy for what he was going through with his dog? Are you leaving out some part of the texts?

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I don't know if this is a PTSD shut-out, or if it's a person who really got their feelings hurt.

 

[Anonymous44]

I've never really gone outside

I'm not saying this to make you feel badly - only to point out something important.

If you are goin...

Yes, I have left out pieces of the texts because I didn't want to make my post a novel. Of course I felt sympathy for him. And of course I made it very well aware that I did. I appreciate all types of feedback. So, I will not take any offense to your post (but yes, it was pretty harsh) but I have never gone through this with someone before, I knew very little about ptsd and what could happen or how long, until I started googling everything and learning more about it, and also talking to other people. So I am sorry that I sound very new to a situation like this, but it's because I am

 

[Anonymous44]

I feel for you. I really do. I dated my Marine for 7 months before he started his isolation. We Face...

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. Hearing about others going through the same thing with their loved ones, I wouldn't say makes me feel better, but it's definitely helping to know I can get advice and listen to others who have been through the same thing. How long have you been shut out?

 

[Anonymous44]

Yes, this is normal.

I honestly think that if you want this relationship to work then it would...

Yes, I know that texting him probably wasn't the best idea, I definitely regret doing so. It just gets hard sometimes. At first, I really thought I did something wrong. Until I realized, it probably wasn't me at all. I know I need to give him his space, which after all of this, I definitely will. I don't want to lose him. Even though, there's a chance I could. But, you're right, it just got hard and I thought that maybe if I would reach out to him after a couple of days, he'd reach back. But, I was wrong.

 

[Anonymous44]

I'm sorry everyone. This experience is so new to me, I knew so little about it when he told me that I didn't really know what to expect. Until after this all happened...then I did some reading, and today, found this. When he completely stopped talking to me, of course I didn't know what to think, what to do, and so many thoughts ran through my mind. You're all right, texting him when he has asked for space was not the best decision I had made...but it happened. I regretted each text, which has only been two since he actually told me he needed his space. But two is enough, and I won't do it again. I am willing to wait. Now that I know a little more about all of this, and I will continue to keep reading more, and also asking for advice to help me cope. This has just completely blind sided me so unexpectedly, and I had to learn fast. I'm sorry if I sound like a little girl about it. I just didn't know what to do. I really truly like him, and want nothing more than for him to return back to me when he's ready. Which I hope will happen, because I've also read you could lose them too. Thank you all.

 

[TerriB8511]

It's completely natural to overreact. I did and I regretted it. But then I realized that I was reacting like I would have in a regular relationship. Now I've done my research and realize what he needs and have to go on without him for the time being. We went for 2 weeks with zero contact and then I reached out with a simple touching base text. And he said he was meaning to get back to me but he didn't know what to say and that he still loves me but needed time right now. And that's ok. So I left it at that. I'll do my thing and let him do his. He asked for space and time and out of love that's what I have to give him. Is it hard? Absolutely. But what is meant to be will be and if it gets to be too much at any point, I'll reassess and let him know. It's hard NOT to take it personally. But I know it's not about me. It's about him. And it's taken me this time to realize that. I hope for the best for you.

 

[Endure]

I feel like I'm reading my story. I wish I could give you a hug because I know exactly what you are going through...the regrets, the misunderstandings, not knowing what to do, wanting to do all you can to support him but fearing it is too late. It's in awful feeling. What TerriB said is good advice at this point. I would at least accept the fact that you may need to carry on like you have lost him, but also decide if you can provide loving support if he comes back. Unfortunately those of us with short term relationships seem to be at a disadvantage :(

The main thing I learned from this experience is he's not going to respond the way you would expect or want him to, and we have to be OK with that. The advice here about taking what he says at face value is also key. Mine DID communicate that well, and it sounds like yours did too. It must be something they learn in therapy. I think it's hard for those of us who don't suffer to really "get" what they are saying at the time. Then we are forced to go out and learn on our own when symptoms occur. In a perfect world they would tell us what to do ahead of time and hope they would give us patience to learn and grow with them, but I'm not sure they feel safe enough in a new relationship. By the time their anxiety attack hits, they are not going to be able to address our own insecurities.

Anyway, I hope you get an opportunity to talk to him and try and learn as much as you can from here in case he comes back. I think sometimes God puts people in our path for a reason. We now know how to support those who suffer, which is so badly needed in this world. Maybe we will be able to use this knowledge for someone else in the future.

 

[Anonymous44]

I feel like I'm reading my story. I wish I could give you a hug because I know exactly what you are goin...

It's definitely hard, and I'm only a week in. What's even harder is when I go back through our messages and read everything we have talked about, our feelings, etc. I'll put it out there that we both have never felt this way about anyone before and we have said that we both think we may have found the one in each other. Which is exactly what's making this so unbelievably hard not hearing from him. I'm scared he won't come back. I will give him his space. No more messages and no more contact until he is ready. Thank you so much for your kind words and your help. I really do appreciate it.

 

[Anonymous44]

It's completely natural to overreact. I did and I regretted it. But then I realized that I was react...

I posted the below response in the wrong spot, so it's going to show twice.
It's definitely hard, and I'm only a week in. What's even harder is when I go back through our messages and read everything we have talked about, our feelings, etc. I'll put it out there that we both have never felt this way about anyone before and we have said that we both think we may have found the one in each other. Which is exactly what's making this so unbelievably hard not hearing from him. I'm scared he won't come back. I will give him his space. No more messages and no more contact until he is ready. Thank you so much for your kind words and your help. I really do ap