Relationship New Relationship, Recently Shutout. Need Advice

[Anonymous44]

I feel like I'm reading my story. I wish I could give you a hug because I know exactly what you are goin...

I feel like I'm reading my story. I wish I could give you a hug because I know exactly what you are goin...

I'm sorry, I accidentally sent a response to you that was meant for Terri. Now I'm responding to yours.
In all honesty, I could definitely use a hug right now. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in something like this. You're right, I've felt like I had done something wrong. My mind was scattered with so many different thoughts. I completely regret not giving him his space, because now...I may have made the matter longer. I wish he would let me be here for him. But I can't ask him to let me be. He's gotta come when he's ready. I just really hope he does. I miss him an incredible amount. He goes to the doctor once a month, and is medicated. Last time he was at the doctor, it was on the 11th of this month. Any possible chance seeing the doctor this coming month may help him, and maybe help him slowly come back to me? ):

 

[Friday]

I'm just kind of blown away he told you the kennel thought his dog was about to die, and that he was having a really horrible night... And you were acting all business as usual, & were still expecting to go out on a date??? More, instead of any kind of understanding/compassion that this meant coming home from fun to meet with tragedy; & suddenly have to be rushing around to emergency veterinary care & making life and death decisions & grieving & family drama & all the things that go along with having an emergency of any kind to deal with, slapped him on the nose for making you wait? "Well I guess I should just head home, then?"

To me this reads like far less of a PTSD issue, not knowing the ins and outs of handling a disorder & overstepping an isolation; than that when he was in a crisis you were incredibly cold, callous, self centered, & uncaring.

What you did was a bitch move to pull on anyone.

-

ETA... I do really try to tread lightly in the Supporters Forum. In part because I've worn both hats, and it's a very different thing having PTSD than loving someone with PTSD / being a supporter has it's own unique hardships, challenges, struggles, etc. The above isn't me talking to a supporter dealing with a PTSD issue. Either as someone with PTSD talking about my own experiences, or as someone who has dealt with XYZ from the other side, and here're some of those experiences. The above is what I would say to absolutely anyone, regardless of whom they were dating.

 

[Anonymous44]

I'm just kind of blown away he told you the kennel thought his dog was about to die, and that he was hav...

I do apologize if I've offended you or anyone for that matter in any way, shape or form. My post was very brief and I only put in it what I could. I didn't include EVERYTHING. I should have worded it differently, or probably included everything said rather than what I have. I was sympathetic, and I was understanding. But yes I was also upset with not being able to see him. I didn't go off on him, I didn't think of just myself. I told him I was there for him and that I hoped everything was ok, as well as him and that I would talk to him the next day. We have had some but very small conversation since then. I worded that section very wrong and should have checked before I posted. So I apologize that it seems to have offended you, and that it made me look like a "bitch" :/

 

[Sweetpea76]

When your sufferer is having a crisis they cannot handle any neediness from their supporters. It's not a personality flaw, its part of PTSD. They just. can. not. It's kinda hard to get the concept of it when you don't have PTSD.

This is going to be a bad analogy... think of the worst stomach flu you've ever had. Hugging the bathroom floor, praying to the porcelain God to just spare you and let you live another day. Somebody knocks on the door and wants you to cook them dinner. You tell them you're really sick and just need some time. You can't possibly deal with food right now, or its going to make you sicker. Person says "Ok, I understand. I'll give you some time." Then after an hour they knock again -"How are you doing? By the way, I need food, are you ready to cook yet?" Then 10 minutes after that- "I'm hungry, you must not love me if you aren't willing to feed me right now." Then 10 minutes later they're knocking at the door crying and begging for food. You'd probably think that person was the most uncaring, selfish asshole in the entire world and you wouldn't want to invite them into your bathroom to comfort you because they already have a pattern of worrying about themselves before respecting your boundaries.

When a PTSD sufferer is having some kind of crisis, dealing with a stressful event, or especially if they're being triggered, they are in pure survival mode. They can't deal with our needs. It sucks, but that's how this all works. Even if you're upset. Even if you're insecure.

Relationship stuff, like making plans, "the future", lovey-dovey stuff, and the "we need to discuss this" talks have to happen when they're healthy enough for it.

 

[Friday]

You didn't offend me, at all, and there's no apology necessary.

For the record, I don't think you're a bitch (I don't know you!), I think what you did was a bitch move. The nicest, kindest, truest, best person in the world can completely f*ck up. Or be having a bad day. Or be completely ignorant/naïve/not understand a situation having never been in it themselves. Or any of 1,000 other things that means that ________ is in no way indicative of their character.

I simply don't gloss things. IMO that specific action, that day, in that situation, was a slap in the face. The results of which may well kick into PTSD-land. But the actual action, a f*cked up thing to do to anyone. To use an entirely different example of 'I did something wrong and they're responding to that'; Like cheating on someone is a f*cked up thing to do to anyone, but the results of which will be different if you're talking PTSD or something else. Clearly cheating on someone is on an entirely different scale. But either way, if someone says I did X... I don't sugarcoat it if in my opinion what they did was wrong. Or anything else not complimentary. We all f*ck up. Knowing what it was though? Let's us decide if that's something we want to change, or not. Knowing other people's opinions on what it was? Let's us decide if we agree or not. "Oh. Shit. I did do that, didn't I?" Is something I've said a lot in my own life, when someone points out something I screwed up. Other times, they can believe it was wrong until the cows come home, but I simply don't happen to agree with them. It may be wrong for them, but it's right for me. And vice versa.

Which is why I'm not offended. You presented a situation, I gave my opinion, and that's it. Agree or disagree, useful or useless, it's your life, not mine. :)

 

[PetuniaPusher]

The truth is that PTSD people need space.

Would you mind elaborating on this for me, please? I get the need for space, but usually my need is much shorter than with someone with PTSD. I'm just curious as to what runs through your mind when your need for space happens. Also, what is the point to which you know you don't need space anymore and you are ready to come back out? I've been through this with my boyfriend a few times and each time I think, this is the end of us! I realize now, it's not, but any insight would be greatly appreciated.