I'm new to this and I apologizing in advance for the ridiculously long post. A few weeks ago I met an amazingly sweet man on a dating site. On paper he's just about everything I could ask for. After talking a bit he told me he was a Marine MP for 9 years and planned on retiring but had to get out in 2006 due to a non-combat related injury. We were talking about hobbies and I asked if he liked going to the shooting range because it's something I'd like to try. That led way to him telling me he wasn't allowed to own a gun because when he got back from Iraq he was suicidal and placed on a 24 hr hold in an institution but he said he was fine now. This did send up red flags but it didn't send me running for the hills. He was so open and honest and different from any man I had ever met and I over analyze just about everything but I didn't feel the need to do that with him because he never left me guessing at what he was thinking. He did have some obvious self-esteem issues that in my opinion were completely unwarranted. We made plans to meet. I ended up being 5 minutes late which I told him I would be but in that time he left before I got there and sent me a text saying I was too late. When I finally got him to explain what happened he said the longer he waited he lost his nerve, and already feeling like I was out of his league decided to save himself from rejection and take off. He spent the next 2 days apologizing and I spent that time telling him he had nothing to worry about because I found him attractive and I liked him already. We decided to give it another try and although it was a little awkward due to us both having not dated for a while, we had a good time. We talked via text all day everyday since the day he found me on the dating site and would occasionally talk on the phone at night before he went to bed so feelings got involved very rapidly and he made it clear that he wanted the relationship to move rather quickly which scared me a little but ultimately I was feeling all the same things so I was okay with. He would talk about the future and what he wanted out of this all before our second date. Then I started to see the cracks! He had a day mode and a night mode. By day, I got a very sweet, caring, funny, sensitive, positive, and engaged person. At night (not always but mostly) I got a distant, cold, quite, sullen person. I would get text messages some nights before he'd go to bed saying to find someone else, he didn't want to date after all, he's not the man for me, he has to say goodbye forever. I would immediately panic when he would do this and plead with him to give it chance. I would spill my guts out to him and let him know he didn't need to be scared because I wouldn't hurt him. I did this because I really thought there was a possibility that he could be THE ONE for me and I sensed he felt the same and I wasn't gonna let that go without a fight. I wouldn't hear anything from him for the rest of the night and in the morning he would apologize and say he doesn't know why he does that and he's messed up in the head. We would spend those days with me trying to help him sort out his feelings. It always came back to him wanting to make us work. We made plans to go to the movie of his choosing, a WWII movie. I was apprehensive about it already thinking that he maybe be suffering from PTSD but he was very insistent that he would be okay because it was WWII and not anything current. We met before the movie and talked in his car for a couple hours. He asked me if I notice the day/night mode he seems to have and I told him I did. He said when he was with me (we only saw eachother at night) he didn't seem to have a night mode and everything was okay as long as I was physically with him, and the depression that normally crept in on him seemed to stay away. He also admitted to trying to sabotage the good things in life. When we got in the theater everything was fine. 30 minutes into the movie there was a drastic change. He let go of my hand, started fidgeting and moving around in his seat, bouncing his foot and just seeming overall agitated. I asked him just once, not wanting it to seem like I was babying him, if he was okay and he assured me he was. He said he was gonna go buy a drink and he'd be right back. He never came back! I knew in my gut he was leaving but I kept telling myself I was wrong because I didn't want to seem needy. I left the theater and got to my car to see his car was gone. I wasn't mad, I was worried. After various attempts to get ahold of him and find out if he was okay I started doing some research on PTSD because I was certain now that's what he was dealing with. He's a textbook case of combat PTSD! Everything peculiar about him now screamed it to me. I went to bed praying to hear from him in the morning. I did. He was embarrassed and apologized and I could tell he was depressed. I apologized for not trusting my gut and going after him or leaving with him and he said it was better that I didn't because he was really messed up. We continued to talk a little about some of his hang ups but I didn't want to make him uncomfortable or seem pushy on the topic. We had some more hiccups with him trying to cut off the relationship at night, me pleading for him not to do this and in the mornings things would go back to normal. We talked more about the future and he brought up the idea of us moving in together when our leases were up. I was scared of that but he seemed so sure that I was the person for him so I fought the urge to pump the breaks and went with it. We made plans for me to go out to see him (he lives by the beach, an hour and a half from me) and spend the day doing beachy stuff. As I'm getting ready I get a message from him saying to not come out he doesn't want to date anymore until he gets his own place. I got him to talk about some of what he was feeling or fearing. This took about 2 hours to sort it all out and by the end he was back to the jovial guy I was now having deep feelings for. I went out there and everything was amazing! Look up perfect date in the dictionary and that's what it was. Dinner, a long walk on the pier, cuddling on the beach, playing on a swing set, fro-yo! He talked more about the future and other things we could do if I came out the following weekend. He made a joke about finding a nice hotel we could go to, to be alone (we hadn't had sex yet, partially due to the fact both of us rent rooms in other peoples homes.) I told him I wasn't opposed to the idea but definitely not that night and he seemed to be okay with that. We talked some more about some of his issues and how he can't get out of his head and just live life. He took me back to my car and gave me the best goodnight kiss of my life. He told me to let him know when I got home and we parted ways. I let him know I was home via text and he responded by saying he didn't want to continue our relationship an further. In the 90 minutes it took me to get home after a date for the record book he decided he didn't want me anymore. I didn't plead with him this time because I was starting to get used to this night mode thing and figured things would be okay in the morning and I just asked him for a reason. I got nothing. Hoping in the light of day he would realize his mistake as he had so many other times I went to bed. I woke up and didn't have any messages from him so I texted him saying I didn't understand. He responded saying that no one understands. I plead with him to give me a reason which didn't work and all of his responses were cold and short. I find it ironic that part of the reason I like him so much is the lack of uncertainty and the vagueness I've gotten from men throughout my dating history, and now I have no clue why he's doing this! I told him I understand better than he thinks I do and I know that he wants this to work because when we are together physically things are PERFECT! When we part ways he gets so wrapped up in the negative thoughts and the doom and gloom and he shuts me out. I laid everything I was feeling about him and us out on the line so he would know I'm not going to let him walk away from this and I will be there for him. It's been 24 hours and I haven't had any communication from him. I'm worried that he really is resolute in his decision this time and I'm feeling hopeless and heartbroken. The worst part is he won't give me a reason! Am I crazy for wanting this to work? Is this his PTSD talking? How do I handle this? How do I get over him without any closure if this is it? Is there anything I can do to get through to him like I've been able to do before? Should I back off? Help! Please! I feel like the possible love of my life is drifting farther and farther away!
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Relationship New Relationship With A Combat Vet!
- Post starter Ablack835
- Start date
- Status
nursenurse
Diamond Member
Run for the hills. This man is clearly not ready for a relationship. It doesn't make him bad, but you are doing entirely too much chasing and ignoring the red flags you saw. By allowing those immediate feelings of want to take over, you blurred the lines for establishing a healthy relationship. I think you may have buried yourself in the fantasy of the "One" without checking out the road to getting there. What you see now is quite possibly what you will see forever.
It is very normal for someone for PTSD to isolate. If you haven't heard from him, go do something for yourself and lay off him for a bit. He may be feeling overwhelmed by your wanting to help, and in the end, he is the only one who can help himself. Let him come back to you, if that is what you want, but I keep hearing "Danger Will Robinson" in my mind. This is far too much drama for the beginning of any relationship.
It is very normal for someone for PTSD to isolate. If you haven't heard from him, go do something for yourself and lay off him for a bit. He may be feeling overwhelmed by your wanting to help, and in the end, he is the only one who can help himself. Let him come back to you, if that is what you want, but I keep hearing "Danger Will Robinson" in my mind. This is far too much drama for the beginning of any relationship.
D
Deleted member 1860
Lots of red flags. LOTS!
He's not ready for a relationship and at three weeks in you're in no position to say if you can be a supporter for life.
He's not ready for a relationship and at three weeks in you're in no position to say if you can be a supporter for life.
i would suggest standing back and taking stock - unless this person gets treatment , nothing will change and to make matters worse , the behaviour that dosent trigger around you yet , eventually will - if you want to stay be prepared for one hell of a ride. I would ask my self one simple question , what do i want , it seesm throughout this youve negated your own needs and trust me , thats the first step in losing yourself in this. I would suggest one thing and one thing only and even then its not a good way to start a relationship (notice i left the word healthy out). i would make one very clear boundary - in order to continue he has to get help, but having said that think about it ...do you want a start a relationship with serious problems , are you aware what some partners of ptsd victiims suffer ? verbal abuse, isolation, basicallly you are exposed to all manner of negative behaviours , and i say this because this is what happened to my marriage and i know of several others - i have been in treatment for 3 years , im getting better but im a long way from being able to conduct a marriage in a basic healthy manner and besides me there is my ex wife , who has endured me for 18 years and tons of abuse , she is scarred deeply and frankly i robbed her of life and yes i am helping her heal, but the marriage did not survive. So i guess what im saying is we all love to be with someone...we are all affected by loneliness its a human condition, but do not let it drive your decisions and choices and seriously question what you want out of life and then measure it against the person beside you - remember actions always speak louder than words...watch what a person does ..not what they say. Good luck and i truly hope you make a decision thats best for you first, whatever that may be.
your closure would be thanking yourself that you made a decision based on your own health and well being - sometimes we make decisions that will never give us closure and trying to get it will just create greater pain, your obviously a decent and caring person - i would just let it go and if he texted me , i would simply be kind and straightforward and tell him my decision , he may accept and never contact you , he may send a steady stream of abusive text ...thats the sad part of ptsd , as a sufferer sometimes you never know how you will react, and the supporters, never know whats coming next.
You probably don't want to hear this but if things are this bad in the first few weeks - honey you ain't seen nothing yet! If it feels like a kick in the guts now when he withdraws think about how it would feel when you are deeper into the relationship and have financially and physically merged your lives.
Do NOT go into this thinking that he will "get better" or the relationship will "get better". Chances are that in fact it will only get worse. Once you are close enough to "share his dark" you will see his suffering up close and bear the brunt of his anger.
The tragedy of PTSD is that he may well be a lovely man - my combat vet sure is - but he may also not be well enough to conduct anything resembling a healthy relationship. You have to decide whether you are able to cope with an unhealthy relationship and to be honest after only a few weeks - do you really want to?
PS - This may be overstepping the line but the other thing you need to think about is kids - if you have them already you need to protect them - they do not need to share his dark! If you don't have them and you want them... bear in mind that he may never be well enough to cope with the stress of a child.
Do NOT go into this thinking that he will "get better" or the relationship will "get better". Chances are that in fact it will only get worse. Once you are close enough to "share his dark" you will see his suffering up close and bear the brunt of his anger.
The tragedy of PTSD is that he may well be a lovely man - my combat vet sure is - but he may also not be well enough to conduct anything resembling a healthy relationship. You have to decide whether you are able to cope with an unhealthy relationship and to be honest after only a few weeks - do you really want to?
PS - This may be overstepping the line but the other thing you need to think about is kids - if you have them already you need to protect them - they do not need to share his dark! If you don't have them and you want them... bear in mind that he may never be well enough to cope with the stress of a child.
You don't know if he has PTSD but even if he does that doesn't make it ok to hurt you in this way. Unmanaged, PTSD can be very complicated, even dangerous. His behaviour towards you is unhealthy and you've only just met him. You are confused and hurt now, and this is only the beginning. Imagine how much worse it would get later on.
Walking out during the movie is understandable. The Jekyll and Hide thing is what worries me the most. This is exactly what my ex did to me. He would withdraw like that for a few days and then come back saying he was sorry and that I am too good for him. He would talk about how traumatic his life had been and how messed up he was because of it. I felt so horrible for him I didn't notice how unhappy I was. Then we would do something lovely like go to the beach, have dinner and sit under the stars. Look up the cycle of abuse. What I didn't realise at the time was that he was fully aware of how agonised I felt during these times and often did it to punish or confuse me. When I learnt to ignore the withdrawing it stopped but he replaced it with angry outbursts of yelling instead. He would cry after and curl up in a ball sobbing. Afterwards he would buy me flowers and talk about how he needed help. Overtime the verbal abuse got worse and he would start to break things and throw them around the room. Then he started throwing them at me and after that things got worse and worse. I could never figure out how it got to that stage but I had lived in a constant state of confusion since the beginning of the relationship. He was manipulative and played mind games (look up gas lighting) this made my perspective very hazy and its taken me years since I've left him to restore my core judgement. I'm still getting there.
The worries and feelings you are having now are similar to how I felt at the start too. Both the bad and the really good ones. You are probably wondering if you can help him. He has already told you that you do. My ex said the same thing to me at the beginning. Fast forward 12 months and it felt the same except worse and now add trapped, ashamed, afraid, regret, powerless, stupid, lazy, ugly and exhausted. Fast forward several years and you get the picture.
My ex had PTSD too (unmanaged) and knowing that made me feel sorry for him and want to forgive him. I blamed the disorder and saw that as the only problem. But sadly he used his traumatic past to his advantage. Instead of taking responsibility for his mistakes he shifted the blame onto his illness and his previous abuser. He would say things like "I hate hurting you but I'm just so messed up by what happened to me". He was a victim of what happened to him but wanted to be a victim of the pain and suffering the caused others too. This meant that he could never address his own abusive behaviours and still to this day he has not taken responsibility or steps to change.
I was so focused on his suffering and pain that I forgot that I was important too. You are important and your feelings matter as much as his. He may be suffering but that does not mean that you should also suffer. He has a responsibility to manage his behaviour towards others. This may sound a bit heavy and full on, you've only just met the guy and things aren't that bad but from what you have told us alarm bells are going off. This may not even but what is happening but you will probably identify with some of it. Take from it what you like. Tread carefully, if it were me I would not get caught up in this guy. It may be more trouble than its worth.
P.S. DO NOT move in with him until you know his character very well. This takes a long time.
Walking out during the movie is understandable. The Jekyll and Hide thing is what worries me the most. This is exactly what my ex did to me. He would withdraw like that for a few days and then come back saying he was sorry and that I am too good for him. He would talk about how traumatic his life had been and how messed up he was because of it. I felt so horrible for him I didn't notice how unhappy I was. Then we would do something lovely like go to the beach, have dinner and sit under the stars. Look up the cycle of abuse. What I didn't realise at the time was that he was fully aware of how agonised I felt during these times and often did it to punish or confuse me. When I learnt to ignore the withdrawing it stopped but he replaced it with angry outbursts of yelling instead. He would cry after and curl up in a ball sobbing. Afterwards he would buy me flowers and talk about how he needed help. Overtime the verbal abuse got worse and he would start to break things and throw them around the room. Then he started throwing them at me and after that things got worse and worse. I could never figure out how it got to that stage but I had lived in a constant state of confusion since the beginning of the relationship. He was manipulative and played mind games (look up gas lighting) this made my perspective very hazy and its taken me years since I've left him to restore my core judgement. I'm still getting there.
The worries and feelings you are having now are similar to how I felt at the start too. Both the bad and the really good ones. You are probably wondering if you can help him. He has already told you that you do. My ex said the same thing to me at the beginning. Fast forward 12 months and it felt the same except worse and now add trapped, ashamed, afraid, regret, powerless, stupid, lazy, ugly and exhausted. Fast forward several years and you get the picture.
My ex had PTSD too (unmanaged) and knowing that made me feel sorry for him and want to forgive him. I blamed the disorder and saw that as the only problem. But sadly he used his traumatic past to his advantage. Instead of taking responsibility for his mistakes he shifted the blame onto his illness and his previous abuser. He would say things like "I hate hurting you but I'm just so messed up by what happened to me". He was a victim of what happened to him but wanted to be a victim of the pain and suffering the caused others too. This meant that he could never address his own abusive behaviours and still to this day he has not taken responsibility or steps to change.
I was so focused on his suffering and pain that I forgot that I was important too. You are important and your feelings matter as much as his. He may be suffering but that does not mean that you should also suffer. He has a responsibility to manage his behaviour towards others. This may sound a bit heavy and full on, you've only just met the guy and things aren't that bad but from what you have told us alarm bells are going off. This may not even but what is happening but you will probably identify with some of it. Take from it what you like. Tread carefully, if it were me I would not get caught up in this guy. It may be more trouble than its worth.
P.S. DO NOT move in with him until you know his character very well. This takes a long time.
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Okay, I'm going to be blunt. 24 hours is NOTHING. I have been where you are (and also happen to be a sufferer), and it sucks when you're getting mixed messages.
However, sometimes people find someone new and that person becomes their everything because all the newness keeps the PTSD at bay. Then, when things calm down a bit, the PTSD symptoms come out. You are/were his "someone new," who (for him) was full of hope and love and all that, where he thinks that you have "cured" him of his PTSD! The whole "you're the one I've been searching for!" thing.
Then the symptoms come back. You're not the miracle cure he was hoping for. The symptoms take over.
I'm not saying he doesn't care, I'm saying that love isn't enough when it comes to PTSD. Both sides have to work at communication and the sufferer needs to focus on healing, so much so that he may end the relationship while he gets better. And when/if he does get better, he may come back, he may not.
It doesn't make his feelings (or your feelings) any less real. It's just that PTSD is an asshole and tears people/things apart in a way you are just beginning to understand.
However, sometimes people find someone new and that person becomes their everything because all the newness keeps the PTSD at bay. Then, when things calm down a bit, the PTSD symptoms come out. You are/were his "someone new," who (for him) was full of hope and love and all that, where he thinks that you have "cured" him of his PTSD! The whole "you're the one I've been searching for!" thing.
Then the symptoms come back. You're not the miracle cure he was hoping for. The symptoms take over.
I'm not saying he doesn't care, I'm saying that love isn't enough when it comes to PTSD. Both sides have to work at communication and the sufferer needs to focus on healing, so much so that he may end the relationship while he gets better. And when/if he does get better, he may come back, he may not.
It doesn't make his feelings (or your feelings) any less real. It's just that PTSD is an asshole and tears people/things apart in a way you are just beginning to understand.
D
Deleted member 1860
I completely agree w/ @bell. 24 hours really is nothing in terms of a shutdown for someone with ptsd. I've seen a lot of similar posts where a supporter goes into a state of panic after one day of silence and I always say the same thing. If you need 24/7 communication and can't handle periods of silence, then being a supporter is not for you.
Justmehere
Sponsor
Whoa. I am really sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you are here reaching out for support and help. That is a really good step to take. I'm sorry for all the pain you both are in. :hug:
I try to find reasons for people to stay in the relationship... But I'm very concerned not only about his actions, but yours as well. Not in a way you might be expecting.
People with PTSD need others in their lives who have good strong boundaries and who don't allow lots of bad treatment of them into their lives.
I know you think things are perfect when you are physically together but it doesn't sound that way. A perfect relationship doesn't go like this, even when the times are good. You both know he is unable to handle this relationship for even a ew hours, and yet during the day, you both embrace denial and talk about moving in together. That's almost leading him on towards a delusion or false fantasy. He can't do that. Clearly. And it will be a long time before he could - years.
You tell him you know all about PTSD, you understand - and if you did, you wouldn't allow this propel so fast when times are good. You would know that even then you have to go very slow and find a distance of relationship that he can maintain and after a long time of success of that, then you build on it.
Right now it's almost like he is reenacting abandonment trauma every day out of his overwhelming feelings and fear about being in a relationship and his guilt about his actions is likely making all his symptoms worse.
The amount of apologizing and begging you are doing breaks my heart. It's not healthy for you - or him for that matter. Yes, your chasing and apologizing for not chasing him is not healthy for him. He needs to face normal and natural consequences for his actions, not constant excusing of it or someone chasing him down. You may be fueling this whole cycle without either of you realizing it. You may be unintentionally enabling him to why worse by chasing him so much.
You deserve someone you don't feel compelled to run after like you are running after him. You deserve someone that you can trust will be there every day and not bail every single night.
This is serious chronic abandonment of you and signs of some very serious mental health issues. It is not likely to get better anytime soon. If he is in treatment, it is likely to get worse before it gets better - and this just doesn't sound like just PTSD to me. It could be, but it doesn't make much difference at this level of relational dysfunction.
He is just not ready. He may really need you to love him enough to let him go.
I suggest all supporters get counseling or other support for them to endure the ups and downs of a relationship with someone with PTSD. In this case, I think it would be good to consider talking to a counselor about why you are so scared to just let him go. It doesn't mean you are crazy or broken, but there is some serious co-dependency patterns you are in that tend to not build good healthy relationships.
Your attempts to rescue him from himself are not only horrible for you to have to go through - you are likely enabling him to not seek out more professional and intensive help for whatever is going on with him.
This doesn't all sound like PTSD to me - and I would be extremely careful about diagnosing these behaviors of his as being due to PTSD. Leave the diagnosing of his behaviors up to the professionals.
I know that none of this feedback is what you were likely looking for. Please know that folks here care about you and him - and that's why the feedback is so clear.
In the end the choice is yours to try to chase after him again or not. Please consider that it's not actually helpful for people with PTSD to be chased and run after. Let him go. Mourn this loss and know that you are a very lovable person. You can find someone better - someone who is honest and transparent, and who is more stable AND does not abandon you so horribly due to PTSD or anything else. It might take some work, but in the long run, letting this guy go is the likely the healthiest option for you and this vet.
I try to find reasons for people to stay in the relationship... But I'm very concerned not only about his actions, but yours as well. Not in a way you might be expecting.
People with PTSD need others in their lives who have good strong boundaries and who don't allow lots of bad treatment of them into their lives.
I know you think things are perfect when you are physically together but it doesn't sound that way. A perfect relationship doesn't go like this, even when the times are good. You both know he is unable to handle this relationship for even a ew hours, and yet during the day, you both embrace denial and talk about moving in together. That's almost leading him on towards a delusion or false fantasy. He can't do that. Clearly. And it will be a long time before he could - years.
You tell him you know all about PTSD, you understand - and if you did, you wouldn't allow this propel so fast when times are good. You would know that even then you have to go very slow and find a distance of relationship that he can maintain and after a long time of success of that, then you build on it.
Right now it's almost like he is reenacting abandonment trauma every day out of his overwhelming feelings and fear about being in a relationship and his guilt about his actions is likely making all his symptoms worse.
The amount of apologizing and begging you are doing breaks my heart. It's not healthy for you - or him for that matter. Yes, your chasing and apologizing for not chasing him is not healthy for him. He needs to face normal and natural consequences for his actions, not constant excusing of it or someone chasing him down. You may be fueling this whole cycle without either of you realizing it. You may be unintentionally enabling him to why worse by chasing him so much.
You deserve someone you don't feel compelled to run after like you are running after him. You deserve someone that you can trust will be there every day and not bail every single night.
This is serious chronic abandonment of you and signs of some very serious mental health issues. It is not likely to get better anytime soon. If he is in treatment, it is likely to get worse before it gets better - and this just doesn't sound like just PTSD to me. It could be, but it doesn't make much difference at this level of relational dysfunction.
He is just not ready. He may really need you to love him enough to let him go.
I suggest all supporters get counseling or other support for them to endure the ups and downs of a relationship with someone with PTSD. In this case, I think it would be good to consider talking to a counselor about why you are so scared to just let him go. It doesn't mean you are crazy or broken, but there is some serious co-dependency patterns you are in that tend to not build good healthy relationships.
Your attempts to rescue him from himself are not only horrible for you to have to go through - you are likely enabling him to not seek out more professional and intensive help for whatever is going on with him.
This doesn't all sound like PTSD to me - and I would be extremely careful about diagnosing these behaviors of his as being due to PTSD. Leave the diagnosing of his behaviors up to the professionals.
I know that none of this feedback is what you were likely looking for. Please know that folks here care about you and him - and that's why the feedback is so clear.
In the end the choice is yours to try to chase after him again or not. Please consider that it's not actually helpful for people with PTSD to be chased and run after. Let him go. Mourn this loss and know that you are a very lovable person. You can find someone better - someone who is honest and transparent, and who is more stable AND does not abandon you so horribly due to PTSD or anything else. It might take some work, but in the long run, letting this guy go is the likely the healthiest option for you and this vet.
scout86
VIP Member
I agree with everything else. The one thing that stuck out to me was his statement that "no one understands this." Not true! Lots of people understand. Many of them are therapists. He CAN get help and that's what he ought to be pursuing.
- Post starter
- #12
Thank you, everyone, for your feedback and having the patience to read my post. I truly appreciate your comments and have/will take them to heart. I really want to have a better understanding of what's going on here. I don't know much but I've been trying to do some homework so that I can decide if I'm ready for this ride. He did end up contacting me shortly after I made my initial post. I do understand he could have disappeared for a lot longer then a whole day. I started panicking because it was the longest we had gone without talking and I get that next time it could be so much longer than that and it's something I need to decide if I can handle. I do have abandonment issues already and I have to say that my relationship with him is triggering some of that. When he contacted me he told me he's an idiot for not appreciating me and my efforts to make our relationship work. He told me I am the perfect woman as far as he's concerned and his heart is mine and he does want to be with me. However, he hasn't given me a reason as to why after this great date together he sent me that text saying we were done. I'm starting to think he doesn't even know why. And now he's being more pushy about us staying the night together which I don't think I'm ready for after the last few days we've had and I've been gently trying to dodge the topic.
Here's the thing though, I feel like he came back to me but he's not the same. He's a lot more moody, even during the day. I only see glimpses of the sweet guy I knew just a few days ago. I don't know if he's still going through something and trying to put on a brave face for me or still trying to sort things out but somethig is off now. I even wonder if it's me that's different. He says his heart is mine but his head is so messed up he can't keep from changing his mind from one moment to the next. He's told me on a few occasions to find someone else better but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I told him I didn't want to find someone else and that I was all his and his response was he's not ready. I think someone was right when they said I have probably overwhelmed him with my want for him and wanting to help or trying to understand. Or maybe he's just playing games with me. I don't know! He keeps telling me I shouldn't want to be with him and that a normal girl would have kicked him to the curb long ago. He has said on a couple of occasions that he should be punished. Is this him asking me to leave him alone and if so why does he come back to me time and time again?
I almost feel like he's asking me to set boundaries with him. I know I need to I just don't know what those should be and how to execute them. Also what is, if any, a good why to broach the subject of his boundaries and triggers? I'm just having a hard time talking about this with him because I don't want him to feel like I'm being pushy or trying to pry. Lastly, last night he told me that we can't get any deeper. I'm comfortable with the depth that we are currently at but I don't know if I should be reading more into that. He keeps asking me what I want from him and when I tell him sometimes he shuts me out again for a bit. Then I ask him what he wants and the only answer I ever get is that he wants me. I'm having such a hard time deciphering all of this now which is funny because he was so transparent in the beginning. Rest assured I have no plans to move in with him at this time although he keeps reminding me his lease is up in just over 2 months, and there are no children involved and I don't want children. I don't know if he wants kids because we haven't gotten to that yet but I'm sensing he doesn't either.
Here's the thing though, I feel like he came back to me but he's not the same. He's a lot more moody, even during the day. I only see glimpses of the sweet guy I knew just a few days ago. I don't know if he's still going through something and trying to put on a brave face for me or still trying to sort things out but somethig is off now. I even wonder if it's me that's different. He says his heart is mine but his head is so messed up he can't keep from changing his mind from one moment to the next. He's told me on a few occasions to find someone else better but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I told him I didn't want to find someone else and that I was all his and his response was he's not ready. I think someone was right when they said I have probably overwhelmed him with my want for him and wanting to help or trying to understand. Or maybe he's just playing games with me. I don't know! He keeps telling me I shouldn't want to be with him and that a normal girl would have kicked him to the curb long ago. He has said on a couple of occasions that he should be punished. Is this him asking me to leave him alone and if so why does he come back to me time and time again?
I almost feel like he's asking me to set boundaries with him. I know I need to I just don't know what those should be and how to execute them. Also what is, if any, a good why to broach the subject of his boundaries and triggers? I'm just having a hard time talking about this with him because I don't want him to feel like I'm being pushy or trying to pry. Lastly, last night he told me that we can't get any deeper. I'm comfortable with the depth that we are currently at but I don't know if I should be reading more into that. He keeps asking me what I want from him and when I tell him sometimes he shuts me out again for a bit. Then I ask him what he wants and the only answer I ever get is that he wants me. I'm having such a hard time deciphering all of this now which is funny because he was so transparent in the beginning. Rest assured I have no plans to move in with him at this time although he keeps reminding me his lease is up in just over 2 months, and there are no children involved and I don't want children. I don't know if he wants kids because we haven't gotten to that yet but I'm sensing he doesn't either.
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