Relationship New Relationship With PTSD Sufferer: I Need Some Guidance

[I4C]

Hi , my name is Rob. I was a healthy happy 38 year old male living a good stable life. I reconnected with an old neighbour 4 months ago on facebook, she contacted me.

We emailed each other for communication for about a month and finally decided to meet. She drove 6 hours to see me for about 3 weekends straight. We were very happy and really enjoying each other in a very positive way. We decided that she should move in with me and start a life together. She mentioned in general conversation that she had PTSD from an abusive relationship. She said she had dealt with a very difficult time in her life and is now on the other side. I did not give it much thought as she was extremely happy and healthy.

In the last 3 weeks she has really gone into a shell, stopped communicating with me, no sex anymore but will still hold hands and be close, very jumpy and isolated. She says she loves me so much and i tell her the same. I truly do love her, she is an angel that was sent to me.

I just really need some advice from a sufferer to carer with PTSD. Can people with this illness really love somebody? I don't want to offend anybody here. I have done a lot of reading about PTSD and look at it from both sides of the fence, suffer and carer. She says she really loves me a lot but needs time to straighten things out. I think the move and living with a man in a new relationship was just too much and triggered her into relapse. She had to leave and go back to see her mother. Thank you in advance to who ever responds to this thread. There has been some really dark days but i do see light at the end of the tunnel.

God Bless you all.

Rob

 

[TLight]

As a sufferer I'd like to believe I can truly love. Sometimes I realize feeling any emotion is very distressing to me. I was not taught to accept and move through emotions. When an emotion came up, happiness, sadness, calm, warmth, fear.....well, any emotion as a child and I was beaten.

Mostly I've only felt anger and fear my whole life. When good emotions come along.....well, I feel fear, naturally. I respond with anger, isolation, and/or fight.

Emotions are truly distressing things for us sufferers until we can learn how to cope with them as adults. It is truly a difficult process and many relapses can occur.

It sounds to me like she truly does love you......but the emotion is causing distress for her.

All I can say is try to understand. Reassure her you are still there, and don't take any of this personally.

 

[I4C]

Should i let her know that i do stand behind her , or should i give her the time and space that she needs. I'm just really confused if i should try to communicate with her now, it is mostly by text now???? Thank you so much for you help.

 

[TLight]

I think I'd want to know that you were there when I needed. But if I were in a really bad state, I might not reply.

You have no control over what she does. It is best to be emotionally prepared for just about anything. I don't know how far along in her treatment she is, the more the better. But regardless, she is free to make her own decisions about what is comfortable for her.

That may hurt you.....so just be prepared. If she doesn't respond.........you may need to back off.

 

[helena]

Hi,

It's tough being a carer and there is so much opinion and advice on the best way to deal with the trauma that often comes with it.

Letting her know you are there during difficult times can help in my experience but we have all made mistakes and it is hard to look out for yourself - very hard when you have just got into a new relationship too so I would advise you to read up as much as you can about the condition but also about experiences that carers have gone through.

No one has the right answer for you but if you read enough and learn enough it can help you come to your own understanding and therefore make an informed choice.

Good luck

Helena

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Buelly. PTSD is not easy to deal with nor understand at times.

I suggest you start by reading the sticky threads at the top of this section as they might help give you an insight into the rocky road/rollercoaster of PTSD from a Carer's point of view.

Good on you for seeking out help and trying to gain understanding of what you are dealing with. :thumbs-up

 

[Pam]

Like you, I knew my C (combat ptsd) way before we became intimate. Within 6 months I asked him if he would like to move in with me (we were spending every single moment we had together). He said no. The man is such a wise man. He knew what he needed to keep himself functioning, and knew what he needed when he was going through the muck. Had he said yes, I have no doubt we would not now still be together. We still do not live together but continue to spend every weekend we can, every holiday we can, and most of the summer warmly snuggled in the same bed. C is 65 and has spent decades coming to terms with his ptsd, so I suppose with age comes wisdom. But I am 12 years behind him and still find myself trying to act like it, instead of having the wisdom of a teenager:crazy:.

 

[Nicky31]

Hello Rob

I am glad that you have found this place. As a sufferer I would say that I absolutely have the capacity to love. Sometimes I don't love myself and I hate myself for becoming who I have in the past year, but I truly love my partner. I don't know though whether the fact that we were already together and then I developed PTSD had an effect? We'd only been together several months, but still we'd formed some foundations, if that makes sense? But still PTSD sufferers can love. I might be difficult for us to express it, but then people without PTSD also struggle with that.

My partner simply says that he hasl earned to just let me get on with it. He supports me unfalteringly but he realises its a process and a tough one at that. Some days I'll just want him to hold my hand, others I'll barely be there through dissociation and sleep.

 

[I4C]

Hello Nicky31

I just wanted to say thank you for your knowledge and letting me know how a suffer does feel. My GF is with her mother and receiving counseling, she called me and we spoke for a few minutes. She is going to need time to get healthy, from your experience should i have no contact with her and let her contact me when she feels like it, i have read other posts that me contacting her is not really good for her.I'm just trying to make the right decision for both of use.Thanks again.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Buelly -

I would let your girlfriend know that you are here for her and that you understand she has quite a bit going on right now and you want to make sure she has the "space" to do that. Ask her, what she needs from you and try to understand if it changes from time to time.

As a sufferer - I am definately capable of love. I have been married for soon to be 19 years and do love my husband, however, I do push him away emotionally at times.

I'm also a carer - (my daughter also has PTSD)- and I know that she has love in her heart, but I also have to respect the fact that sometimes she has to withdraw. It's a bit easier since she still lives at home, but then again it can be more difficult as well. I just can recognize the signals easier.

I will tell you one thing that drives us both completely over the edge though, is someone constantly asking what's wrong, are you mad at me etc. when we are having a down day. It's almost impossible to put into words how badly PTSD (and memories/triggers) can make you feel, plus there is so little energy and to attempt to explain would require what little is left.

With a new relationship, this could be difficult, I'll admit. A great first step though, is the fact that you are trying to learn all that you can, and that she appears to be seeking help.

 

[ashmarie]

Hi Buelly~
I too came to this forum with a new relationship with a PTSD sufferer and I learned SO much just from reading and talking with others (both sufferers and other carers) so I encourage you to keep really reading all you can. Obviously everyone reacts differently, but from my experience with my sufferer, I have very little contact with him that I initiate. I let him come to me when he is ready. I have made it clear that I care about him and am always there for him but I allow him to decide when he is ready. So far it has worked out pretty well! I essentially cut off all contact with him. He was gone for the army for a month without really anyone he knew so once a week, if it felt right, I sent him a text basically just saying hi and I hope he was having a good day. Nothing requiring a response but still leting him know someone was thinking about him and hopefully making him feel less alone. Almost always he would send something back and every now and then he would start a conversation with me. It even got to the point where he would send me pictures or updates on his days there, HE completely initiated (these were the best surprises). He has since come back and I am still very cautious and only contact him rarely, but he contacts me a lot more and I can see him starting to come out of this pit.

Just be patient, try to do what is right for both of you, and let her know you are there for her without overwhelming her. SO far, it sounds to me like you are doing a great job handling such a tough situation and you understand how hard caring for a PTSD sufferer can truly be. Best of luck to you! Keep on reading!